Long Distance Relationship

jreentea · Post by **jreentea** » Jan 8th, '06, 16:22

I'm in a long distance relationship. I'm in US and she's in the Philippines. I don't want to go back to Philippines but she doesn't want to come to US either.

What do you think should I do? I really love her and I don't want to break up with her.

kotaeshiranaihito · Post by **kotaeshiranaihito** » Jan 8th, '06, 16:33

Give it a little more time.

Invite her over to visit and show her what a great place the US is. If after all that trying you still can't convince her to move and you definitely don't want to go back, breaking up becomes your only choice.

jreentea · Post by **jreentea** » Jan 8th, '06, 17:01

I've already asked her to marry me but she turned me down because she feels that she doesn't know me enough. So she wants me to go back there to let her know me more.
We already talk 2 to 3 hours every day and I visit her 2 times a year. She's visiting US this year but she may not be able to stop by my state, NJ. I'm really frustrated with my situation. *sigh* I don't really know what to do now.

kotaeshiranaihito · Post by **kotaeshiranaihito** » Jan 8th, '06, 18:55

ok, why don't you tell us the whole story. How it started, how you met and all the important things that happened. Also give your profile and hers (age, height, weight, race etc).

And also, why is it that she can't stop in NJ, and where will she be visiting?

slippyepic · Post by **slippyepic** » Jan 8th, '06, 22:59

Without knowing particulars, my generic advice is to NEVER consider moving unless you can plausibly enjoy living and working in the new location. If you can't, then your marraige would be set up to fail anyway, because you will resent her and put the onus on her to make things easier for you. Which she won't to your satisfaction, because you made the sacrifice, not her, and she is quite happy where she is living, and you are not. She will assume that you're not trying; and you will wonder whether she manipulated you into this situation.

I've already asked her to marry me but she turned me down because she feels that she doesn't know me enough.

That's warning signals right there.

Karo · Post by **Karo** » Jan 9th, '06, 09:56

hmm.... sounds difficult. I'd wait some more time until marrying.
I don't know how long you are together, so i can't really say something.
But wait for more time. you won't know what'sgoing to happen. You could try to stay at her place a bit longer than usual, to see how this will work out. Or she could stay longer... So you can both see if moving was a good idea.
(this is just working if you don't ahve a jobor you can stay away for a long time from work or whatever.. ^^)

That's all I can say. Just don't do thngs in a rush, cause this is a difficult situation. For both of you! ^^
Good luck!! ^___^

aNToK · Post by **aNToK** » Jan 9th, '06, 10:42

Oof, this one sucks, but here goes:

First is to realize that by what you've written, you are much more interested in furthering this relationship than she is. If this has been going on long enough (year, years?) to have semi-annual visits as part of your routine, plus spending hours on the phone every day, the "I don't know you well enough" line comes off more as a polite put-down than the real reason. To be fair, maybe she's linterested in you, but not enough to risk uprooting her entire life to come here and be with you. Sounds like you're not prepared to make that sacrifice as well, so in that you're even. Have you guys ever spent a significant amount of time together in person at all? If not, then frankly she's being the smarter of the two in not jumping into marriage. If you have, then that could be a serious indicator if after all this time she's not willing to commit. Her wanting you to come down there to spend time together would be a positive in that case.

That said, the fact that she's coming to the US and doesn't appear willing or able to even come visit you is a pretty strong sign that she will never agree to move here, marriage or not, and that while she may care about you, you're not important enough to her for her to change her life in that way.

That would pretty much leave you in the position of either giving up the idea of being together in that way, or taking the plunge and spending a month (or a few months) there with the understanding that she will come to a decision at the end of that time on whether or not there's enough interest on both sides to start talking marriage and location, etc.

Frankly, though I'm the type that would actually pack up and go for an extended visit, based on what you've written so far, I'd say you're probably setting yourself up for some serious heartache here. And even if she does end up wanting to marry you, it's going to be on you to do the relocating. Even if you did convince her to move here, I''ll bet that she'll end up being either depressed and lonely in a strange place without her family and friends around, or very clingy and insecure for the same reasons.

Your call though.

kotaeshiranaihito · Post by **kotaeshiranaihito** » Jan 9th, '06, 16:27

You're assuming way too much in that last post.

The fact is, as sillyepic and I pointed out he didn't give us enough information.

Just because he is willing to visit her and she isn't able to visit him doesn't mean he cares more for her than she does for him. You have to remember that america is a rich country while the phillippines is a poor one. Making a trip from a poor country to a rich country isn't exactly easy. We don't even know the reason why she's coming to america (that's why I asked him). It could be a 2 day business trip to NYC, or chicago or even as far away from NJ as seattle. He needs to give us a lot more information to make any sound assumptions.

aNToK · Post by **aNToK** » Jan 9th, '06, 20:57

Which of course is why the first line of my post read "First is to realize that by what you've written", More info = better advice and less assumptions. So until then I stand by what I said based on the info given. Hopefully there's much more that will tilt the scales more in this guy's favor.

jreentea · Post by **jreentea** » Jan 10th, '06, 02:04

Thanks to everyone for their input.

I've met her from my previous job back in the Philippines 5 years ago. I started to become close with her when I was already here in US and in my first 3 years here, our communication was on and off -nothing regular until 2 years ago when I decided to pursue her. Officially, we've been bf/gf for 14 months.

I really wanted to be with her. That's why I asked her to marry me. But as I've said she told me that she doesn't know me enough. She doesn't have enough basis about me since ever since we became couple, we've seen each other for just 6 weeks. And she's telling me that she doesn't feel very loved by me because when I tell her I miss her, it doesn't get translated to action. She's saying that I'm not willing to take the risk because I don't think she's that worth it. It seems like she wants me to go back to let her know more about me. I told her that we just get married so we can be together. I'm telling her that there's no risk if we reallly love each other and we will make our relationship work-out no matter what. The answer is the same with the one stated above. So it's a circular thing. We're in a deadlock.

Aside from not knowing me enough, she told me that she doesn't find anything attractive in US. They have maids, drivers at home and she already manages tens of people in her company. If she comes here, she'll have to start from the bottom.

In summary, my problem is she doesn't want to come here because she doesn't know me enough and she doesn't find US attractive. I'm stuck. I dunno what to do.

slippyepic · Post by **slippyepic** » Jan 10th, '06, 02:22

And she's telling me that she doesn't feel very loved by me because when I tell her I miss her, it doesn't get translated to action.

Okay, BIG TIME warning signals there. It means that she doesn't empathize with your situation, and is taking a very self-centered approach to the relationship. It also means that she's applying a guilt trip in order to manipulate you back to her place. Whether she's conscious of it or not, she's manipulating you.

I told her that we just get married so we can be together

Yeah, that too is bad -- it's sort of equivalent to the old Catholic "let's get married so we can sex" mentality -- because basically you're saying, "I love you; you love me; let's set up a contractual obligation, so that we HAVE to work it out!" Most older women would be appalled by such an idea, because it doesn't resolve whether you go there or she comes here, and it also shows that you don't respect the responsibilities of the relationship enough to pre-empt a marraige situation. You mean well, and you want it to
show your commitment, but to her, it shows a lack of understanding over the situation.

Aside from not knowing me enough, she told me that she doesn't find anything attractive in US. They have maids, drivers at home and she already manages tens of people in her company. If she comes here, she'll have to start from the bottom.

Yes, and from her point of view, her interest is to move you there. (Which, you know, I don't blame her or anybody who already is happy with their lifestyle.) So she's pulling out the guilt trip in order to guilt you over there. Heck, it works.

She appears to have absolutely no intention of moving over here, and possibly, she may not be ready to compromise significantly in a relationship with you. But by judging the tactics which she is using, she is also running the relationship. This doesn't appear to be an equal partnership at all, and I don't think she's ready to take on the responsibility with playing God with your life.

aNToK · Post by **aNToK** » Jan 10th, '06, 03:31

Hmm.. Well, it looks like she's pretty well establshed over there, so you can't exactly blame her for not wanting to drop everything she has to marry you and move out here. After only spending such a short amount of time together in person since becoming a "couple", right now she's the smarter of you two by not jumping in to a marriage. Since she appears to have told you pretty much where she stands, it's really going to be up to you to make the next move with regards to getting together. Since you brought up marriage with her, you've declared your feelings and intentions, as has she, so don't feel sorry now that she wants you to come to her. The "if you really love me, you'll do this" argument is valid on her part because you're the one who has proclaimed your desire to always be with her. It's kind of a "put up or shut up" kind of deal, and you've set yourself up for that.

You need to decide whether or not she's worth taking the chance of moving over there for a period of time, if not permanently. As she's said, she doesn't want to live in the US at this point, and she may never want to. So it'll probably end up being on you as to whether or not you're willing to move there for the rest of your life.

The fact that she's even playing the guilt card at all can actually be a good thing, as she's at least showing enough interest to want you there in the first place. It's a pretty big risk, and I'll bet that it's one that you'll have to take if you want a chance for you guys to be together.

Who knows? She may fall totally and completely in love with you and be convinced after a month or two together, be willing to follow you over here, and start a life together. She may also fall in love with you, but not be willing to leave her country to follow you here. Then it'll be your call as to whether you're willling to make that move.

Then again, after a month or three together, you may find out that what is so wonderful and amazing to you right now may not be so special after spending a lot of time together. You never know.

Just a few more thoughts....

slippyepic · Post by **slippyepic** » Jan 10th, '06, 06:19

Let me add that whenever the woman says to the effect of "if you (really) loved me, you would . . .", you have to end the discussion of whatever topic you're discussing right there and go straight into FIGHT mode. About 60-75% of the time, when she is saying that, she is repeating some advice she got from a friend of hers and is using the "guilt gambit" to *win* the discussion. At that point, you gotta call her bluff for what it is and make her see your side of it. If you don't fight her, actively, on this, she won't see your side of it and she won't respect you in the relationship either. Like aNToK said, proposing to her was neither a smart move nor the right message you wanted to send her; but at, this point, I think she is taking advantage of the relationship in order to force your hand.

The question, right now, isn't whether you should go or not. The better question is would the relationship survive if you actually went there? I'm not hearing the one important detail from her that would even make this kind of relationship work over there; and that is, she seriously discussed the state of relationship and the mutual investment you've both put into it. She doesn't see you in the equation like I think you assume she does. From what you've described so far, you two simply aren't ready, and you need to make her empathize with you, before you even consider that big step.

aNToK · Post by **aNToK** » Jan 10th, '06, 07:07

Mmm.... All that talk of fight mode, winning the discussion, fight her on this.... really puts way too much of an adversarial spin on the whole thing. If you view relationships as needing to have a winner or loser, or having to be the one "in charge" to be respected, then that's a shame. Also a total personality flip like that would be a dagger in about 10 seconds. I can see this one:

He: "Look, I want you, you say you want me, so get your ass up here or it's over!"
She: "Oh, so after all that nice talk about loving me, etc. now you're going to start with this macho man "gotta have it my way or else" stuff? I thought you were different, but I guess not. OK, forget it then. Good-bye!"

He thinking: "okay, that sucked, but at least she respects me as a man. I really put my foot down!"
she thinking: " Hm.. I thought we could have had something there, but I guess he's just like all these macho assholes I run into around here. Since it seems like all men are like that, I'm just going to go f*** Paco the Poolboy. What difference will it make anyway??..."

If she has any pride at all, it would probably go something like that. (well, maybe not Paco, but who knows?).

There's ways, and there's ways.... Just depends on how determined and motivated you are and how much it means to you.

How about, "Lola, I think you're right. We do need to spend some more time together before we make such a big commitment. You have to know by now how much I care about you. Sometimes I can't even think because you're on my mind so much. Since you're not able to come up here for awhile, and I don't know if I'm ready to spend the rest of my life there either, why don't we take a step back for a while? I know we click really well, better than anyone else I've ever met, so maybe I'm getting a little ahead of myself. I don't want to break up at all, but I think since we've been talking so much that I haven't been able to think about anything else, and I'd hate to screw up something that could be so special because we rushed into things. Why don't we take a break for a few weeks, and not talk, so we can get some of these thoughts and feelings sorted out before we continue. I truly feel that I want to spend the rest of my life with you, but those feelings are so overwhelming sometimes that I really can't think straight, so I need a little time to sort out my thoughts and priorities. Let's take a little time to calm down, and talk about visiting and future plans after that. "

If you think about it, that's very similar to what slippy was talking about, but the tone is completely different. You get it into her head that you're totally crazy over her, so much that you can hardly think straight, and on the other hand, you take back some control by being the one who initiates the "cooling off" period. And at the same time, you're giving her credit for being so smart, etc. so she feels that you respect and value her thoughts and opinions.

Then you DON"T CALL for the time you agreed upon. Nobody likes or respects someone who comes off as too clingy and needy. Actually do what you said you were going to do and think about it. Are you really willing to move there, or at least visit? If not, then don't expect her to hop on a plane to Jersey either. See how you both feel after a bit. Frankly, the thought that you're actually stopping to think about it, and that there's a chance that you won't be getting together in the end may spark a reaction in her that causes her to realize that she'd better do some thinking and act as well if she wants to keep you. Of course, she may decide at the end of that time that it's really not worth it to continue, and if so, it's a hell of a lot better to find out about that now than after packing up and moving, or trying to push her into a marriage she's not ready for.

Tone, people, tone! Trust me, one thing I learned at a very early age was how to get somebody to like or want you, and without all the chest-thumping "man in charge" stuff that so many people think is the way to go about it. There are ways to get people to do what you want them to, and the easiest way is to set up the situation so that they feel that they've come to that conclusion all by themselves. Giving what someone wants to get what you want does have it's uses.

And yeah, the above paragraph could be taken as being very manipulative, and it can be used as such. But if the emotions on your part are real, then it's not being manipulative at all. As a good friend of mine once said, "To survive, you don't have to stand tall, but you DO have to stand up!!"

Love that quote.

slippyepic · Post by **slippyepic** » Jan 10th, '06, 07:38

Mmm.... All that talk of fight mode, winning the discussion, fight her on this.... really puts way too much of an adversarial spin on the whole thing. If you view relationships as needing to have a winner or loser, or having to be the one "in charge" to be respected, then that's a shame. Also a total personality flip like that would be a dagger in about 10 seconds.

I know it sounds like I'm asking him to beat his chest and exclaim his manhood; but it really isn't like this at all. What the guy is really doing is telling the other person that he will not put up with guilt trips in order to be convinced that she is right. It's at that point where the guy is supposed to ask her what she means by that, and to call her on what she's doing at the moment. It's not productive whatsoever in a serious discussion to go along that tangent, because you're merely capitulating to the other person's needs rather than having a truly honest, fair discussion about it.

Simultaneously, if a man says something like "I do . . . . for you", the woman should call him on it right away, and ask him what what he really means. Now, it happens that most women past the age of 25 already know this, and that is why it's hard for guys to get away with a lot. Most men don't learn this basic tenet of conflict management until they've already married. Then, they turn passive-aggressive and are unable to communicate with their wives, because they've given their wives a distorted view of what their expectations of a relationship should be.

In their "to move or not to move?" discussion, what he should isn't convince her that *SHE* should move, but to explain again and again just how much he has to lose if he moved and what he would need from her in order for it to work. In other words, if he decides to go, he has to describe her emotional and practical/vocational responsibility/spport in order for the relationship to work once he makes this move.

Then, she will realize "wow, this affects me a lot too, maybe we should talk about it this more . . ." So, yes, when you fight, it's best not to accuse the person directly or use that much anger.

The point isn't to win the argument. The point, actually, is to avoid situations where it turns into a competitive discussion over who is right or wrong. What most men don't understand is that when the woman goes into "if you love me . . .", the woman is already going into "win/loss" mode. The productive portion of the discussion must be temporarily halted in order to address the manipulation. The way you do is to acknowledge when the other person is using a manipulation tactic and air it out. Argue for a bit (they'll say they're not doing it, but then admit it eventually), and then get back on topic of discussion. And, in the future, not only do they use that particular tactic less, but they actually better understand your side of things.

Now, I'm not saying your way doesn't work. I would assume it's worked well for you in your own life. In fact, I would hope that, after the main fight is over, they would eventually get to what you're describing. But my hunch is that his girlfriend is already a pro-active, hands-on kind of person and is a little aggressive by nature. Then again, she could be a blushing violet, and in which case, he should just explain how he feels the situation. As you said. However, it's my hunch from what he's described so far, that she isn't that way at all. Otherwise, they would be much further along in this discussion.

You're very much right that tone is everything. Fight, but fight with love -- that's how I like to view it. And, yes, that really does exist.

aNToK · Post by **aNToK** » Jan 10th, '06, 11:49

Only a few things I'd point out at this point: First is the assumption that there has to be a fight in there somewhere. There may very well be, but not definitely. Again, it depends on the approach. It's not really neccessary to assume that if the woman pulls the "if you love me..." card that she's automatically going into a win/lose mindset. Though that may be how you'd see it, she may very well feel whatever way she's feeling, not looking at a scorecard. Same goes for assuming that the guilt trip thing is intentional. It may be, but then again, as you yourself pointed out, it is also such a common ingrained reaction that she may not even realize that she's doing it. Which is why taking the "not putting up with the guilt trip" tack is really dependent on whether it's her natural reaction or something contrived to get a certain reaction from him. She may be that calculating, but then again, she may not.

To be fair, you softened your comments a bit later, so I don't doubt that you'd come across much smoother than the more batter-ram approach of the post.

Other things that come into play that we're not aware of at this point: What exactly would jreentea be leaving behind if he went over there for a while? Apparently, she's either a manager, owner, or key person in some business over there, and stands to lose quite a bit if she were to up and leave. Does jreentea have school, an irreplaceable job should he leave for a few months, a business, or what?

If they're fairly equal in terms of what they would probably lose by even a month or so visit, it's one thing. It's quite another if she were to lose a fairly lucrative career on one side while he's flipping burgers or just hanging out, etc. If one has much more than the other to lose than the other, then the one with less careerwise to lose should be more accomodating as far as who goes where.

So what's up jreentea? Would you be giving up an ordinary 9 to 5 that could be replaced upon returning, or are you climbing an irreplaceable corporate ladder or something? Inquiring minds want to know....

Of course, we're just sitting here playing Monday morning quarterback on this one. How you approach things depends so much on your personalities and a whole lot of things we have no way of knowing, so I'd take anything I or anyone else here says as simply suggestions based on our own experiences. And everyone's is different.

slippyepic · Post by **slippyepic** » Jan 10th, '06, 12:27

It's not really neccessary to assume that if the woman pulls the "if you love me..." card that she's automatically going into a win/lose mindset. Though that may be how you'd see it, she may very well feel whatever way she's feeling, not looking at a scorecard

Yeah, that's true too. Usually in that circumstance, there's usually a significant pretext of her doubts over his feelings in general, in addition to the "if you love me . . ." statement, which would be liberally discussed in addition to the discussion of "should he or shouldn't he move?" Key thing is her doubt should lead to her admission or expression over her lack of trust and faith in their relationship, and what she would want, emotionally besides practically, from it.

My contention is that, had the above been largely the case, jreentea would have reworded her standpoint as "she has a lot of doubts over our relationship, and whether my feelings are strong enough to . . ." Because the above would have led to genuine communication and discussion over each other's feelings for the future, its demands and so on. The focus would and should be on the relationship, and not what seems kind of a power struggle between the two. But a honest discussion on relationship may yet be the case between jreentea and her.

It may be, but then again, as you yourself pointed out, it is also such a common ingrained reaction that she may not even realize that she's doing it.

In most cases, it's actually the fault of the guy, because he sufficiently hasn't brought it to her attention . It goes without saying that both men and women have many self-defense mechanisms, and it's really up to the partner to let him or her know what is acceptable and what it isn't. A big problem that most of us guys have in relationships, in general, is that we just don't give enough clear and vocal feedback early in the relationship over what we find acceptable and unacceptable in terms of behaviour, habits, and communication patterns from our partner. We just assume that if we "show", they will pick up our thoughts by telepathy. Unfortunately, when we do bring it up, our partners are shocked to hear we had issues with it all along. It really isn't fair to either the man or the woman.

Other things that come into play that we're not aware of at this point: What exactly would jreentea be leaving behind if he went over there for a while? Apparently, she's either a manager, owner, or key person in some business over there, and stands to lose quite a bit if she were to up and leave. Does jreentea have school, an irreplaceable job should he leave for a few months, a business, or what?

Yeah, I wonder that too. I've already assumed that the decision is strictly whether he will move there or not. Women who run or manage a business are, in a sense, caretakers for their employees as well as their own livelihood. You wouldn't expect a mother to leave her family anymore than a businesswoman to leave her (and not "their") lucrative concern.

Then again, maybe she will. Can't wait to hear from jreentea.

aeryck · Post by **aeryck** » Mar 17th, '06, 19:48

been their...but sad to say it didn't work out...but the good part is that she's the one who gave up...not me...how bout u guys??

Yukiko_Chan · Post by **Yukiko_Chan** » Mar 17th, '06, 19:59

Yeah

I'm in a long distance relationship. In the beginning of the relationship, it was so good, but now it's just awkward. Man, he's just f****** lucky that he doesn't live in Minnesota! If he did, I would beat him down to the ground because of all the harsh things he's said and did to me, during the course of our relationship...that little blockhead pisses the hell outta me, but I can't seem to say s*** to him...

aeryck · Post by **aeryck** » Mar 17th, '06, 20:06

Yukiko_Chan wrote:Yeah I'm in a long distance relationship. In the beginning of the relationship, it was so good, but now it's just awkward. Man, he's just f****** lucky that he doesn't live in Minnesota! If he did, I would beat him down to the ground because of all the harsh things he's said and did to me, during the course of our relationship...that little blockhead pisses the hell outta me, but I can't seem to say s*** to him...

ur scary

aNToK · Post by **aNToK** » Mar 17th, '06, 20:14

Yukiko_Chan wrote:Yeah I'm in a long distance relationship. In the beginning of the relationship, it was so good, but now it's just awkward. Man, he's just f****** lucky that he doesn't live in Minnesota! If he did, I would beat him down to the ground because of all the harsh things he's said and did to me, during the course of our relationship...that little blockhead pisses the hell outta me, but I can't seem to say s*** to him...

If it's like that already, there's one thing you could and should say: Goodbye!!!!!!

ShaolinMunky · Post by **ShaolinMunky** » Mar 17th, '06, 22:43

Yeah I agree with antok

whoooa its ShaolinMunky

(I think only the older regulars of this forum will get that joke)

wtf? there's Life & Relationship forum?

beldaran · Post by **beldaran** » Mar 17th, '06, 22:59

i'm in a long distance relationship... mostly because my bf has gone off to grad school (for the next 5 years) to get his phD in biology at carnegie in pittsburgh... while i've got my own work/career in seattle... we'd been together for almost 3 years before he left and talked extensively about next steps.. we've decided to stay together... it's only been half a year, but it feels like forever.. but we're still willing to go through with this.

Post by **jholic** » Mar 18th, '06, 06:56

ShaolinMunky wrote:whoooa its ShaolinMunky (I think only the older regulars of this forum will get that joke)

woah, there's that booty-shakin' avatar!! oh, yeah, and shaolinmunky too.

hey, man, it's good to see you again!

aNToK · Post by **aNToK** » Mar 18th, '06, 10:15

ShaolinMunky wrote:Yeah I agree with antok

whoooa its ShaolinMunky (I think only the older regulars of this forum will get that joke)

wtf? there's Life & Relationship forum?

Hey, SpunkyMunky's back!!!!! It's only been what 4 or 5 months? (and I thought I hadn't been around much for awhile....)

Yep, there's actually a relationship forum now. (btw, your avatar and I have decided to elope..... Sorry!)

Yukiko_Chan · Post by **Yukiko_Chan** » Mar 18th, '06, 17:22

Hahahaha!!

I didn't mean to make myself sound scary..hehehe..yeah. I think that I'll say--> GOODBYE YOU LITTLE F*****, but I feel pity for him.

aeryck · Post by **aeryck** » Mar 18th, '06, 18:01

hahaha...well eniwie we just broke up last january and she'll be coming home maybe this april....i dont know what will happen....but i think im not stupid enough to love her again...well actually i dont know wat to do!hahahaha...any1 out der who wants to give dummy an advice

whuttz · Post by **whuttz** » Mar 18th, '06, 18:26

i'm in this kinda relationship also...true...one year sounds n feel like 4ever....i guess when we trust each other things will work out for us...it might took me 4 years till we can be together again...funny!! i try to trust him......but now i'm not so sure bout that myself....

so much pressure n loneliness.....so what do u think?
is this kinda relationship really last??!!or it's just fade away with time

confused.....

Schala · Post by **Schala** » Mar 23rd, '06, 11:31

I was a couple years ago, and then I discovered all the lies he was telling me. He turned out to be a major pothead jerk.

(Pokute probably knows exactly who I'm talking about actually...heh.) So after that, I learned my lesson, and I'll NEVER do it again.

The amusing thing is, my friend used to make fun of me for being in that sort of relationship, and now she's been in an internet relationship for like the past 6 months or so, and now she's packing up to move across the country to live with this guy and his family. And she's only been with the guy in person for ELEVEN DAYS. I'd go into more details, but yeah, it'll just make me angrier....-_-

ali-chan · Post by **ali-chan** » Mar 24th, '06, 21:41

I´m on that kind of relashionship too, he´s german, I´m spanish, and we are together for a year and a half.... but it´s all so good between us

.... there´s complete confidence and trust...it´s hard sometimes though, because of the distance, but there´s only good things to share

!!!
hope we can live together soon, but as long as this situation still remain like this, let´s enjoy everytime we are with each other!!!!!

schala wrote:And she's only been with the guy in person for ELEVEN DAYS

oh my....

so soon!!

jreentea · Post by **jreentea** » Apr 12th, '06, 04:11

Hi Guys,

I didn't know that you guys have replied. I haven't checked the forum for a while and I'm actually out on vacation right now since she's now here with her parents. I'll update you guys once my vacation is over.

I really appreciate your input.

Jreentea

ApathyEcstasy · Post by **ApathyEcstasy** » Apr 12th, '06, 05:27

not worth it..never worth it..but you're free to take your own risks..live and learn..just don't get too ahead of yourself

jonasr_jp · Post by **jonasr_jp** » Apr 26th, '06, 10:20

i have been in a long distance relationship since 2 years ago, it's hard but with 2 free hours per day, with msn and cam you can go far.. going there for 11 weeks now in summer,,, the moment i meet her again, im going to be the happiest man on this forum

AzN_Doomstay · Post by **AzN_Doomstay** » May 1st, '06, 17:30

I have a long distance relationship with a girl. She's at Ottawa while iam at Toronto. I just wanna see what advice any1 can give me, cause apparently, i dont know what to do anymore. I just want some suggestions and advice to see what i can do. Basically, we met online on zuup, we have been together for 3months or so. But the thing is, she cheated on me at the beginning of April. But i forgive her, yea i think i shouldnt but w/e whats done is done. Kinda sad i know but please respect me at least.... Anyways, soo just recently, she met some guy from the guy that she cheated on me with. And for the pass 3 weekends, she has been going out with him. Movies, shopping, ALONE. Its kind of a long story but now we havnt been really talking recently for some reason. Well we have but not as much as before. So i was wondering what is going on. I know the things i said isnt detailed enough, but if any1 is willing to help. I can share more hopefully. Thanks in advice.....

jonasr_jp · Post by **jonasr_jp** » May 1st, '06, 17:52

Atleast it seems like she tells you that she cheats,, but i don't think you have any other choice then braking up or maybe moving there, but if it was me i would end it right away, i don't really know the details though so i can't say for sure.

AzN_Doomstay · Post by **AzN_Doomstay** » May 1st, '06, 18:05

i seee.. alrite well i can give you details lol xD if you want...

albertoavena · Post by **albertoavena** » May 1st, '06, 18:10

This topic is pretty familiar to these:

http://www.d-addicts.com/forum/viewtopic_30979.htm

http://www.d-addicts.com/forum/viewtopic_27499.htm

You might want to merge them..

Crazy Penguin · Post by **Crazy Penguin** » May 1st, '06, 18:13

From my understanding, and the way I see it... if my GF would cheat on me, well... I'd walk out on her. I expect loyalty from my partner, simply because I would be loyal towards her, too. If she'd cheat on me, well, I'd say that she would want it that way, so she and the guy she cheated with can be happy. My opinion.

I'm old fashioned, yeah, I believe in loyalty, dedication, duty, honor and other things along that line.

AzN_Doomstay · Post by **AzN_Doomstay** » May 1st, '06, 18:17

albertoavena wrote:This topic is pretty familiar to these:

http://www.d-addicts.com/forum/viewtopic_30979.htm

http://www.d-addicts.com/forum/viewtopic_27499.htm

You might want to merge them..

Yea you should try merging them but its gonna get too complicated to tell which 1 is which...

shokasan · Post by **shokasan** » May 1st, '06, 18:41

I'm in a long distance relationship as well. My boyfriend and I met while in college; he's from India and I'm a born and raised Kansan. After he got his Master's, he had to pretty much accept whatever job came his way so that he could stay in the country--and he was lucky and got a really fantastic job... in San Jose, CA. I wasn't too excited about that, but oh well. ^_^ We had dated 2 1/2 years before he left, and he's been gone for over a year now, and we're still going strong! In my case, the distance has been a good thing, because it has helped us to realize how important we are to each other, and we really cherish the time we get to spend together. I'm really excited though, because he has been transferred to Colorado Springs, so he'll be much closer in the future!

onjena · Post by **onjena** » May 1st, '06, 20:55

Been there, done that. I'm not suited to long distance relationships at the moment. I just can't get around the fact that I can't see the person, or physically hold them. It really gets to me after awhile.

nikochanr3 · Post by **nikochanr3** » May 3rd, '06, 18:08

My wife lived in Japan and moved to the US to marry me, If the person is not coming (at any point) to your country, and you are not going there, its not happeing. Sorry, but it cant be long distance forever. There has to be an endgame.

pubbie · Post by **pubbie** » May 12th, '06, 10:17

Doomed. Hit some new ass.

albertoavena · Post by **albertoavena** » May 12th, '06, 10:44

nikochanr3 wrote:My wife lived in Japan and moved to the US to marry me, If the person is not coming (at any point) to your country, and you are not going there, its not happeing. Sorry, but it cant be long distance forever. There has to be an endgame.

I agree, if neither is willing to go to each others country, then it's not a very good relationship. Some people might be againt long distance relationships but I'm actually all for it. As long as they're in love..

But, like you said, it can't be like that forever..

mede · Post by **mede** » Jun 20th, '06, 16:31

wow.. thats a really huge distance... im currently in a long distance relationship too but not that long.. =T hes in jersey im in new york. but i think that if you two really do love eachother and are determined enough to make it work.. it will work. good luck!

nankasento · Post by **nankasento** » May 5th, '08, 02:46

They don't work, you either brake up or move closer or atleast spent a good amount of time on a regular basis (people who work on oil rigs, submarines etc.) together.

zyrene · Post by **zyrene** » May 5th, '08, 07:07

i've been in a long distance relationship too. and we end up in a break up. it wont work yah!

EniramNocer · Post by **EniramNocer** » May 7th, '08, 03:58

I disagree with both above. It can work, but what it really boils down to is your resolve.

Some stay together, but allow themselves to see others; while others stay true until they see each other again. Tiff is in China, and her man is in Chicago. They've been seeing each other for 3 years and are going to get married this winter.

Again, it's all about maturity and drive. If you're anxious and unwilling to compromise, call it quits. But if the desire is there, and both want it, it can definitely work.

Personal experience for me, however, states that it can work, but usually doesn't work out with the young kids.

nankasento · Post by **nankasento** » May 8th, '08, 01:52

EniramNocer wrote:They've been seeing each other for 3 years and are going to get married this winter.

Are they moving in together after marriage, because then that exactly my point, long distance doesn't work and they'll eventually live together, and then it's not a long distance relationship anymore or are you telling me they are just going to get married and never, ever move closer together / live together?

From the latest research on long distance relationship there's none after 7 years.
If I recall correctly the numbers in 2000 where 85% end after 3 years (either break up or move closer together) 4 years it's 93%, 5 years 97% well and then the last couple of % goes up in the last couple of years.
I don't exactly remember what the requirement is for what they labeled long distance but if you browse around for it I'm sure you can find it. I do know it's x amount of distance and x amount of time for overall and then there's a factor for transportation.
I was in a continental long distance myself around that time so I looked into it, I eventually moved across the globe. And after some years I moved away again, as far as possible, lol.

So actually they "work" for an x amount of time but after that it's either moving closer or move on.

EniramNocer · Post by **EniramNocer** » May 8th, '08, 02:10

nankasento wrote:Are they moving in together after marriage

Yep; hence the 3 years to build up finances and secure job positions to make the transition seamless.

According to her, he plans on moving to China to have the wedding there; which is a **** because I might be stationed somewhere else by then.

*sighs* Weddings are inconvenient sometimes.

nankasento wrote:From the latest research on long distance relationship there's none after 7 years.
If I recall correctly the numbers in 2000 where 85% end after 3 years

The fundamental question that needs to be answered here is where are you getting your data from? Current research dictates that Long Distance Relations (LDR) do not seperate, or breakup, at a greater rate then close couples within the same geographic area. The separation patterns are similiar over time.

So again, I do not agree with your assessment. I do agree, however, that you summary is proven greater in young couples than mature ones.

rikochan · Post by **rikochan** » May 13th, '08, 16:49

hi its me again.
my friend also have a long distance relationship. for a 5 years they far from each other but finally they end with happily ever after. they married know and have 2 child.
the key is must trust each other.
how you can live with somebody that you don't trust?
so be patient and let the time begin.

wujou_mao · Post by **wujou_mao** » May 13th, '08, 17:07

jreentea wrote:I'm in a long distance relationship. I'm in US and she's in the Philippines. I don't want to go back to Philippines but she doesn't want to come to US either.

What do you think should I do? I really love her and I don't want to break up with her.

if you thought your's was long distant, i live in UK and my now ex-gf was from the philippines. i only saw her online for 2 hours sunday morning GMT, and she worked nights in a guest house in reception. a good 8 hours distance.

i decided to break up with her after 7 months away. when i was in asia, it wasnt so bad. i could speak to her no problem as we were in the same time zones. but back home in UK, it was a differant story. plus she kept whinging on about me when i was returning to philippines. hell, its not like i can come over every 3 months.

if i was too of married her, i dont think i could live in the phillippines to long. it will do my tree right in. its too american for my liking. and she wouldn't like UK either as its too cold and wet all the time, plus no Balut here. the RSPCA will see to that

nankasento · Post by **nankasento** » May 17th, '08, 16:06

EniramNocer wrote:
The fundamental question that needs to be answered here is where are you getting your data from? Current research dictates that Long Distance Relations (LDR) do not seperate, or breakup, at a greater rate then close couples within the same geographic area. The separation patterns are similiar over time.

So again, I do not agree with your assessment. I do agree, however, that you summary is proven greater in young couples than mature ones.

I could ask you the same question on your comment, where did you get your information about seperation patterns?

Ending a LDR doesn't necessary mean having to end the relationship, moving closer together is also ending a LDR. Still together but you can't technically call it a long disntance relationship if your living in the same house/apartment, I wasn't talking about seperation or by that, just seperation but also getting rid of the distance.

oovanillaoo · Post by **oovanillaoo** » May 19th, '08, 02:55

I have faith on my own long-d relationship ^^

I've been with him for more than 2 years and I'm going to marry him and stuff... Things do work if you and the other partner DO BELIEVE that the relationship will turn out good. You must put a lot of effort in this relationship.
And to mention, you need money for long-d... Plane tickets! Ka-ching~

zhinsara · Post by **zhinsara** » May 19th, '08, 04:59

oovanillaoo wrote:I have faith on my own long-d relationship ^^

I've been with him for more than 2 years and I'm going to marry him and stuff... Things do work if you and the other partner DO BELIEVE that the relationship will turn out good. You must put a lot of effort in this relationship.
And to mention, you need money for long-d... Plane tickets! Ka-ching~

yea. i agree with oovanillaoo. you two should trust each other and have faith. fate brough you two together and if you two can endure this, then next time in the future, everything won't be that hard anymore. i am now going to celebrate 2 years together with my bf soon

and yes, we have been through a lot. i went away for 3 months with NO CONNECTION to him at all (no phone calls, no internet, not getting to meet him, not even letters!) but we still made it through. it is very hard, i know. words sound easier than doing it. if she really loves you like how much you love her, this relationship is going to be stronger than diamonds!

meredith · Post by **meredith** » May 29th, '08, 12:16

if you really love her, there shouldnt be any problem. the same goes to her. love can overcome anything. remember that. my friend also had a long distance relationship. at first i thought, it wouldnt last long. but then, they always keep in touch with each other and they understand their situations. so, it really is no prob if both of you love each other...

p/s- for your info, my friend already get married last week...

GOOD LUCK!!!

paul120 · Post by **paul120** » Jun 3rd, '08, 08:51

Dont worry..dude. There is absolutely no problem..Just marry her at hawaii..And http://www.mauius.com/ is helping people in this.. It has already planned more than thousands maui weddings to make the newly wed to bulit up a strong relation..So for whom you are waiting for!!!!

Lovelymagic · Post by **Lovelymagic** » Jun 29th, '08, 07:23

I think it works if it's the relationship is on its way to marriage, but if it's not, then i doubt it would work. I don't think it would work at all if it does'nt go for marriage. And even if the relationship would become a marraige, i don't think even THAT would work. But the marriage would work if couple learned about HOW to be married. Something that not even dramas teaches you. Yepp, the ending of the dramas i've watched and the romantic novells i've read, the ending is only the beginning of a marriage. In other words, we won't see how it is after they have gotten married. I'm not sure even the creators of the novells/dramas have the strenght to create alot more of those episodes/novells to continue the first story just to see how to be happily married.

biniBningPunkista · Post by **biniBningPunkista** » Jun 30th, '08, 19:15

EniramNocer wrote:I disagree with both above. It can work, but what it really boils down to is your resolve.

Some stay together, but allow themselves to see others; while others stay true until they see each other again. Tiff is in China, and her man is in Chicago. They've been seeing each other for 3 years and are going to get married this winter.

Again, it's all about maturity and drive. If you're anxious and unwilling to compromise, call it quits. But if the desire is there, and both want it, it can definitely work.

Personal experience for me, however, states that it can work, but usually doesn't work out with the young kids.

nankasento wrote:
EniramNocer wrote:They've been seeing each other for 3 years and are going to get married this winter.
Are they moving in together after marriage, because then that exactly my point, long distance doesn't work and they'll eventually live together, and then it's not a long distance relationship anymore or are you telling me they are just going to get married and never, ever move closer together / live together?

From the latest research on long distance relationship there's none after 7 years.
If I recall correctly the numbers in 2000 where 85% end after 3 years (either break up or move closer together) 4 years it's 93%, 5 years 97% well and then the last couple of % goes up in the last couple of years.
I don't exactly remember what the requirement is for what they labeled long distance but if you browse around for it I'm sure you can find it. I do know it's x amount of distance and x amount of time for overall and then there's a factor for transportation.
I was in a continental long distance myself around that time so I looked into it, I eventually moved across the globe. And after some years I moved away again, as far as possible, lol.

So actually they "work" for an x amount of time but after that it's either moving closer or move on.

nankasento, where did you get hold of that research? i think that's inaccurate. why? I am living with some who is in a long distance relationship for more than 20 years. she's now 49 and reaching the golden age of 50. she's had a relationship back with this man but there are no clear chances of them on getting married or actually seeing each other agian. (they've already met and had built a relationship with that guy back in her own country before moving here in the states) they continued that relationship even without seeing each other. research is just according to chosen subjects that researchers chose. it may be biased or not... but still the result could not be truly like this--->"From the latest research on long distance relationship there's none after 7 years."

i would have to agree to what EniramNocer posted, "it's all about maturity and drive. If you're anxious and unwilling to compromise, call it quits. But if the desire is there, and both want it, it can definitely work." it's always up to the individual... and according to an unsaid rule, communication is the most vital thing to keep a relationship. may it be once in 5 or 10 years, its still a communication.

Asian DramaWiki Forum