My situation (please check it out) I need your ADVICE !!!

hakkablood · Post by **hakkablood** » Mar 14th, '09, 19:07

Thanks guys for the advices. Ill update ya! Im closing the thread because i might have mistyped a little and also my friends seem to know about this website haha

aNToK · Post by **aNToK** » Mar 14th, '09, 19:56

Simple. You're her security blanket. Safe, always there, blah, blah. She wants the security of having someone familiar there, but she wants to go experience all the new things and still have you around. She's been dishonest, played you 10 ways from Sunday whether you or she realizes it or not, and you're thinking of getting back with her? Give it a rest, man.

You're something to keep around while she waits for something better to come along. If you think anything other than that, you're dreaming. Wake the hell up already. Let her know that you're friends, and that's it. If she wants to risk losing even your friendship, let her mess with your head some more. Even doormats get cleaned and replaced eventually.

If you just flat-out can't get her out of your head or whatever, then tell her to approach you when she's ready to commit to something more permanent. She's obviously not ready for that right now. And with you, maybe not ever. Deal with it.

To quote "Battlestar Galactica" of all things, "All this has happened before, and all this will happen again."

Bet on it.

SHiNB0 · Post by **SHiNB0** » Mar 14th, '09, 20:11

Agree with Antok...

Find somebody else.

hakkablood · Post by **hakkablood** » Mar 15th, '09, 02:34

Yeah, your statement is something i have already thought about, thanks for the helpful advices.

Serveral things i forgot to add was:

We was first of everything: love, relationship, kiss, hug, and yeah so on.

We been through thick and thin.

So would this change your statement a bit? I forgot to add it sorry

Puppet Princess · Post by **Puppet Princess** » Mar 15th, '09, 02:59

First love is just that. The first. They don't have to be your soulmate.
This is like when battered women keep going back to their abusive husbands. Odds are 99.999% that he's going to hit her again.

She keeps lying, cheating, manipulating, and hurting you. However, you are the one allowing her to do so by taking her back.

SSJSubgeta · Post by **SSJSubgeta** » Mar 15th, '09, 03:17

"She starts to lie to me is what really hurts also.
She lied how no one texted her, later that day she went to his place and lied to me about
she was still at work. I don’t know what’s wrong with her its all just so stupid. "

My biggest gripe is she LIED to you, isn't a relationship based on trust? She flat out lied to you.
If she lied to you now, think of it in the future. What other lies she will make up just to get her way?
No matter what you been thru with her bro, thick or thin. It will never be the same.

To put it simple guy, and to add another quote:

You are trying to drag a stubborn mule on an up hill battle, you never going to get there.

I too once came to D-addicts for relationship advice and they mentioned the same, Its just not worth it.
Go with what aNToK said, leaver her and move on to something better.

hakkablood · Post by **hakkablood** » Mar 15th, '09, 04:15

True, i have thought about it how trust must be important in a relationship. I guess my best situation is just too be friends with her and if she wants to come back ill take it. Correct me if im wrong.

SSJSubgeta · Post by **SSJSubgeta** » Mar 15th, '09, 04:40

Remember when you said you regret it breaking up with her. Now flip that the other way.
"I regret getting back with her." will be your next ordeal.

Don't do it.

Peggy · Post by **Peggy** » Mar 15th, '09, 05:15

Dear young man,
I would suggest that you go back and read your first posting. Try to be a stranger reading it for the first time. It should tell you that this young lady is not emotionally interested in you. She is not mature in any way. She is selfish. She lies and yet she tries to keep you tied on a leash.

I don't know how old you are but I guess you have many years of life ahead of you. Time for you to grow out of your 'first love' and get on with your life...without this young lady.

You are sadly wasting your time and energy on a lost cause. Give it up and find a better group of friends and don't try so hard to be with just one person. Please.

sometimes first love is like trying on a new pair of shoes. They look smart but later they pinch like hell and look shabby.

Peg

Zarine · Post by **Zarine** » Mar 15th, '09, 05:17

First of all I think you should have a good sit down talk with her and call her on all of her lies. I agree with SSJ, lies are absolutely the WORST.

I think you should call her on her lies and manipulations and tell her that you have feelings for her, and you'll be there for her when she can get things straight. But I think for now you should really distance yourself from her until she is ready to come to terms with her own problems.

I had something of a similar problem (on her side that is) last year. I broke up with a guy I had been dating for awhile (really because we just weren't that compatable) and started dating another guy. I ended up staying with that guy for a short period of time because he turned out to be childish and a jerk, but I did not go running back to my ex. I knew that trying to rely on him to help me with a relationship would be the wrong thing to do because it would be unfair and cruel to him.

Going back to your problem, she is not thinking of your feelings at all. You really should let her know this. If she really cares about you and wants to be with you, she should be able to handle this boyfriend (or ex-boyfriend if she has really dumped him) and leave that behind to be with you. Besides being based on trust, relationships should also be based on equality. You should not have to put 100% into a relationship where she is only putting in 10%. You will only end up draining yourself and becoming less of a person in the process.

Sure, relationships aren't all smiles and rainbows, but they shouldn't be totally filled with mistrust, depression, and sadness.

Calevera · Post by **Calevera** » Mar 15th, '09, 10:20

I have thought about how to reply to this topic for a good 20 minutes and Zarine has just posted everything I have wanted to say and more.

If you don't like that she is lying to you, you have to adress the issue with her directly. I was faced with a situation where a girl I liked was seeing another guy, which I did not know, until I found out from someone else (a teacher) that she was 'showing her bf around town'. So I called her that night and asked what she had been up to. She said she was out with her girl friend and I revealed to her what the teacher told me. She said nothing and I asked her please be honest with me. Our relationship improved from that day on.

Also, as Zarine said, equality is important in a relationship. How much she does for the relationship does say something about what she thinks about it. If she is not pulling her socks up for you (i.e. making any sort of changes to accommodate you into her romantic life) even after you sort out the issues in the relationship with her, then I think friendship is your next safest option with her.

Best of luck, mate! Don't hesitate to give an update if you decide to make a move.

aNToK · Post by **aNToK** » Mar 15th, '09, 10:29

hakkablood wrote:Yeah, your statement is something i have already thought about, thanks for the helpful advices.

Serveral things i forgot to add was:

We was first of everything: love, relationship, kiss, hug, and yeah so on.

We been through thick and thin.

So would this change your statement a bit? I forgot to add it sorry

Yes, they do change my statement. Multiply everything I said by 10!

Here's a thing about "firsts". They're exactly that, firsts. Notice that the preceeding statements don't mention "lasts" anywhere in there. Here's the deal: First off, you'll never forget your first love, first kiss, first time, etc. It's just not going to happen. I can still recall all of those and more and they were well over two decades ago (almost 3 for some, but anyway...). Remembering the past does not mean not moving forward and moving on. And consequently, moving forward does not mean forgetting the past. Two different things.

So you've been through thick and thin together. OK, and you've also broken up, had other lovers, etc., so without denying the shared history and memories, your relationship also hasn't survived all the ups and downs and remained unscathed. Something to think about if you were to get back together and more problems popped up. History is NOT on your side there.

Lastly, about the firsts thing. You're both young, and when you got together, you had nothing else to compare each other to. It's perfectly normal over time to be curious about what it would be like with someone else. Even if you were totally in love with the other person, etc. it would be very unusual to not want to experience a few different partners, scenarios, etc. just to see what they're like. From what you've described, this girl has had a more intense and affecting relationship with someone else. Could have been because it was someone new, but if I read correctly, there were a few years' involvement with the other person, and she's still hung up on him (enough to lie to your face about it.)

I wouldn't say that she's a bad person, but she's young, very immature, and very selfish. She wants her experiences, but she wants a back-up if she gets hurt. Know what we call that back-up? A FRIEND. Since I'm pretty sure she knows how you feel about her (and she wouldn't have lied if she didn't, btw), she's playing on your emotions and you seem pretty willing to let her. What's the old expression? Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.

Here's a little personal history to give you an idea where I'm coming from:

Started dating a girl 2 years younger than me my Junior year of high school (All-American couple, star jock, chearleader, etc.). I was her first, though she was far from mine. Dated pretty steadily for 3 years with the occasional 2 or 3 week break-up here and there. I was nearly every "first" there was for her. Started hearing some rumors about some pretty explicit things here and there after the first two years, but believed her and ignored them. Stayed together after her family moved to LA and had a long-distance thing going for the rest of her high school years.
She gets out into the "real world" a bit, and I notice little things different (my pictures not by the bed, being around less when I call or come by, more time at "work", you get the idea.
Find a hickey in a fairly private place, she confesses to messing around a bit, apologizes, and I take her back. 1 year later, I'm in Colorado in Tech School in the Air Force and buy an engagement ring. Before going back home, I find that that other guy is going to be driving her to San Diego to her new college, and has apparently been with her the whole time I've been gone. Not very fun. I get the picture, hit a few walls, cry a few tears, and get on with my life.

She tries to contact me a year later and I answer and get the whole "missed you, let's get back together, should have never left, etc." Come to find out that she called me 3 or 4 days after having the other guy's kid (who, turns out, has a two year old with his wife (yes, wife). I tell her the same thing I told you. I'm there if she needs a friend, but I'm not dealing with the lies and manipulation, and I'm never going to get back together with her.

Fast forward 6 years and I'm married to the love of my life, a proud father, and she's on baby and daddy number two.

Fast forward another few years. She's pregnant with baby number 3 and engaged to daddy number 3 who, she tells me every chance she gets, reminds her so much of me that she almost feels like we're back together again.

I'm hopeful that when she says that, she's trying to make me feel good. I still love her to this day, but I haven't been "in love" with her for a very loooong time. Frankly I feel sorry for her husband, as I'd have a hell of a time waking up to someone who never got over her first love completely.

These days, I've been married to my lovely lady for over 12 years, and our son's almost 13 with a possible baby brother or sister on the way. I still look over those old yearbooks and pictures every now and then, and still remember all of the old emotions, but I'm thankful every day that I've moved on with my life and found something real and many times better that what the other first and I ever had.

I wish I had woken up a bit sooner and saved myself that last year or so of pain. Took a long time to put it aside the last time. You have the opportunity to put yours aside now.

I'd seriously recommend that you take it.

Good luck.

hakkablood · Post by **hakkablood** » Mar 15th, '09, 19:09

Thanks guys, the advice is harsh but ill have to think about it a little longer before actually letting go. Yeah antok you situation is messed up. She actually messed around behide your back. A girl being with another guy is already enough but having someones baby is far beyond the morals we have. You did the right thing man.

nankasento · Post by **nankasento** » Mar 16th, '09, 00:07

italic text was censored so I changed it to something else, I'm sure you can think what I actually mean... sh...

Friend? You still want to be friends after she pulled those kind of things?!

I can see why she picked you, you're the most gullible and easy target on the planet.

Since everyone else is giving you a very nice suggestion I'll be the one that gives you a far more effective nasty one, don't stay friends and preferably hurt her feelings a lot in the process of becoming not-friends, that ensures she'll really stay away, you'll probably be called a jerk and a lot of other things, don't let it get to you, others will find out the truth later on anyways, the truth always surface even the unpleasant she pulled.

You can hurt them in various ways, it doesn't always have to be a physical or mental obvious pain, ignoring her very being usually is a very passive yet effective method of hurting someone. Don't return calls, block her on your computer, mail, IMs, ignoring her when walking past her, ignore her when she's calling you from where ever, but first and overall, ignore her the first time when she really, really, really needs you when she's in some really deep trouble, that really hurts them, if you have skill, you can even set that event up.

She's playing a game with you and you are getting played big time.
Grow a spine be a man and move on, you don't need that damaged goods even if she was your first.

Zarine · Post by **Zarine** » Mar 16th, '09, 14:37

nankasento wrote:italic text was censored so I changed it to something else, I'm sure you can think what I actually mean... sh...

Friend? You still want to be friends after she pulled those kind of things?!

I can see why she picked you, you're the most gullible and easy target on the planet.

Since everyone else is giving you a very nice suggestion I'll be the one that gives you a far more effective nasty one, don't stay friends and preferably hurt her feelings a lot in the process of becoming not-friends, that ensures she'll really stay away, you'll probably be called a jerk and a lot of other things, don't let it get to you, others will find out the truth later on anyways, the truth always surface even the unpleasant she pulled.

You can hurt them in various ways, it doesn't always have to be a physical or mental obvious pain, ignoring her very being usually is a very passive yet effective method of hurting someone. Don't return calls, block her on your computer, mail, IMs, ignoring her when walking past her, ignore her when she's calling you from where ever, but first and overall, ignore her the first time when she really, really, really needs you when she's in some really deep trouble, that really hurts them, if you have skill, you can even set that event up.

She's playing a game with you and you are getting played big time.
Grow a spine be a man and move on, you don't need that damaged goods even if she was your first.

While I might agree with the "not staying friends" part (at least until this girl gets her act together), I don't think acting in such a childish manner would help him get over anything. Being harsh is one thing (and sometimes it can have a good effect), but acting like a jerk and just being mean won't get anyone anywhere. Adults should act like adults in relationships. If everyone did that we'd have a lot fewer problems these days I think.

nankasento · Post by **nankasento** » Mar 16th, '09, 23:03

Zarine wrote:
nankasento wrote:italic text was censored so I changed it to something else, I'm sure you can think what I actually mean... sh...

Friend? You still want to be friends after she pulled those kind of things?!

I can see why she picked you, you're the most gullible and easy target on the planet.

Since everyone else is giving you a very nice suggestion I'll be the one that gives you a far more effective nasty one, don't stay friends and preferably hurt her feelings a lot in the process of becoming not-friends, that ensures she'll really stay away, you'll probably be called a jerk and a lot of other things, don't let it get to you, others will find out the truth later on anyways, the truth always surface even the unpleasant she pulled.

You can hurt them in various ways, it doesn't always have to be a physical or mental obvious pain, ignoring her very being usually is a very passive yet effective method of hurting someone. Don't return calls, block her on your computer, mail, IMs, ignoring her when walking past her, ignore her when she's calling you from where ever, but first and overall, ignore her the first time when she really, really, really needs you when she's in some really deep trouble, that really hurts them, if you have skill, you can even set that event up.

She's playing a game with you and you are getting played big time.
Grow a spine be a man and move on, you don't need that damaged goods even if she was your first.

While I might agree with the "not staying friends" part (at least until this girl gets her act together), I don't think acting in such a childish manner would help him get over anything. Being harsh is one thing (and sometimes it can have a good effect), but acting like a jerk and just being mean won't get anyone anywhere. Adults should act like adults in relationships. If everyone did that we'd have a lot fewer problems these days I think.

True, adults should act like adults in a relationship that would also eliminate cheating and playing someone just because you can, both also very childish acts.

Sometimes the only way a child (since this friend was behaving very childish and trying to resolve it in a more adult way didn't seem to work or in the event it won't work) holding a mirror in front is the only way they learn, if being a jerk and mean works then why not?

Some things can only learned by losing, winning or a draw just doesn't cut it.

Zarine · Post by **Zarine** » Mar 17th, '09, 02:55

Sometimes the only way a child (since this friend was behaving very childish and trying to resolve it in a more adult way didn't seem to work or in the event it won't work) holding a mirror in front is the only way they learn, if being a jerk and mean works then why not?

Darlin, I've been working with children since I was 11 years old. One child pushes another one down because that child hit him happens all the time, and trust me it doesn't do anything but cause more anger and more retaliation.

nankasento · Post by **nankasento** » Mar 17th, '09, 09:03

Zarine wrote:
Sometimes the only way a child (since this friend was behaving very childish and trying to resolve it in a more adult way didn't seem to work or in the event it won't work) holding a mirror in front is the only way they learn, if being a jerk and mean works then why not?
Darlin, I've been working with children since I was 11 years old. One child pushes another one down because that child hit him happens all the time, and trust me it doesn't do anything but cause more anger and more retaliation.

If the amount of years working with children is your only argument that your knowledge is greater than mine I out rank you by far.

aNToK · Post by **aNToK** » Mar 17th, '09, 09:45

Ooh, a new pissing contest!!! Can I throw my pee-pee in too????

Kidding. While it may be cathartic on some level to confront someone on every little lie and transgression, I'd wager a decent sum of money that if he were to simply tell her that he's simply sick of the lies and head games, that she's destroyed his trust in her, and that frankly, he just doesn't care the way he used to because of it and walked away it would be quite a bit more devastating to her than having some big confrontation where he nit-picked on every lie and f***-over she ever subjected him to.

Little conventional wisdom: Sure, he has a good excuse to act like a total dick to her, and sure, it's mostly justifiable, but at the end of the day, he'd still be a dick.

(and this, of course, would totally blow any chance of sympathy or rebound sex from any of their mutual friends. That should always be a benefit of getting screwed over. Just my thought....)

I love that expression a female friend told me a long time ago:

"The best way to get over one man is to get under another!!!!"

Pretty sure a paraphrased version of that would work for men as well. Then again, I was a hoe for a long time so maybe I'm just justifying my own former slutty behavior.
I can live with that.....

hakkablood · Post by **hakkablood** » Mar 17th, '09, 21:45

I have recently confronted her, she told me everything how yes she did lie to me and wouldn't do it again. She didn't want to tell me because she didn't want me to do anything about it. She knows me better then anyone, that i would beat the **** outta the guy even i have no prove. She says that its totally over and that she wouldn't lie to me no more. All the stuff like locking her phone ,not letting me read her text, and not informing me anything is over. Should i give her a chance? We spent two total days just watching movie at my place and at her place. Having the good old days again.

aNToK · Post by **aNToK** » Mar 17th, '09, 22:03

Just remember that it's having the good old TWO days again.

Take her back and things will be all hunky-dory and snuggly and lovely for a while and she'll be super appreciative and all that. You're both back in a comfortable, familiar setting for a bit. Don't forget though, that she warned you fairly recently that she wasn't ready to hop back into a committed relationship, and right now she thinks she needs you. It's called being used for a reason, and the person doing the using is not going to sit there and remind you of that fact, as it'll tend to upset the little comfort zone she has right now.

Nobody here knows you or her, and everyone's a little bit different. Could she have "learned her lesson" and all that? Sure, it's possible. Likely? Not very. Dude, she's still rebounding from whatever happened with this other guy, and she's obviously got some serious unresolved feelings there no matter what she tells you right now.

So be her comfort boy for now if you wish. Just keep what's happened before in mind and don't be surprised if one month, 3 months, or 6 months down the road you find yourself in exactly the same place you were in recently.

That "fool me once" phrase is pretty damn consistent, so do what you wish, but don't come crying back on the board a few months from now with something like, "I can't believe she________".

Actually, do come back on here then. You'll have plenty of people lined up to say, "I told you so."

Good Luck.

Zarine · Post by **Zarine** » Mar 18th, '09, 02:24

I am inclined to agree with aNToK on both of his recent posts. I think you should be cautious in letting your feelings overwhelm you right now. Keep a bit of emotional distance until you know for sure that she isn't just using you as a security blanket. Sure you can give her a chance, but I think it's a good idea if you guys just keep friends for a little while first.

aNToK · Post by **aNToK** » Mar 18th, '09, 05:14

@hakkablood: Just out of curiosity, is your avatar a picture of you? and the girl whose hair is visible the lady in question? If so, that should say something about how hung up on her you really are. You need some serious distance and perspective or you're going to end up exactly where you were before, only with more wasted time and good/bad memories to try to work through. I'd like to be wrong, but if what I believe is correct, you're practically begging to get yourself scrrewed over and hurt...

hakkablood · Post by **hakkablood** » Mar 18th, '09, 06:18

I really like your perspective antok, and i seem to already know but it refreshes my memory. I'm going to take it down a step and act more like friend and see how she goes from there. I know im the rebound guy but sometimes in life things are easy at all. I have fucked up in the beginning of our relationship and she deserves better but its a good thing she had dated another guy and finally notice its time to settle down with the one. She is a very hard to find type of girl, she has only been in two relationship and there both are serious. In Oklahoma City there ain't one damn girl out here you can find that hasn't been with at least 3-4 relationship. Especially at her age. If i was to drop her it would be almost impossible to find another girl here like her besides moving out of here lol.

P.S That woman is my grandmom =D i really hope you didn't that wrinkled old woman i love is her haha.

nankasento · Post by **nankasento** » Mar 18th, '09, 08:43

I think you should just do it, go for it, no seriously, if it isn't for her it'll be something for you to learn and it looks like it you'll only learn the hard way, besides it'll gives us much lulz when you return a couple of months later.

Good luck.

aNToK · Post by **aNToK** » Mar 18th, '09, 09:24

hakkablood wrote:I really like your perspective antok, and i seem to already know but it refreshes my memory. I'm going to take it down a step and act more like friend and see how she goes from there. I know im the rebound guy but sometimes in life things are easy at all. I have fucked up in the beginning of our relationship and she deserves better but its a good thing she had dated another guy and finally notice its time to settle down with the one. She is a very hard to find type of girl, she has only been in two relationship and there both are serious. In Oklahoma City there ain't one damn girl out here you can find that hasn't been with at least 3-4 relationship. Especially at her age. If i was to drop her it would be almost impossible to find another girl here like her besides moving out of here lol.

P.S That woman is my grandmom =D i really hope you didn't that wrinkled old woman i love is her haha.

Ah, didn't notice the wrinkles 'til you pointed it out. Cool.

Just a quick thing or three:

I'd look at the way you're thinking of this thing. It's 90% worried about her and about 10% thinking about you. Quit putting yourself down already. Look at what you've written:

"I have fucked up in the beginning of our relationship and she deserves better"

Ok stop a sec and flip it. She's lied, fallen for someone else, played with your feelings all over hell. YOU deserve better. Look at it that way as well.

"She is a very hard to find type of girl, she has only been in two relationship and there both are serious"

And what? Who cares if a girl's had 10 boyfriends? You should realize by now that you can collect more baggage and hurt from one serious relationship than a dozen more casual ones. If you get along well and she's straight with you and treats you well, Isn't that more important? Try worrying more about your and your partner's present and future and not get hung up on their past. I read somewhere that every guy wants to be his girl's first, and every girl wants to be her guy's last. Get too hung up on trying to be both and you're limiting yourself and setting yourself up for disappointment.

And finally,

"she had dated another guy and finally notice its time to settle down with the one."

Sure, she's apparently had exactly one other relationship, it didn't work out, and now she's back for the familiar. Not exactly an emotional growth indicator there.
And was it her who said that she's ready to settle down with "the one" on her own? No offense, but that doesn't necessarily mean that you're automatically "the one". For someone who recently posted that you knew you were probably her "second choice", I think you're reading into it what you hope to be true. Seems she very recently said that she wasn't ready to settle down into another relationship. If her story's flipped (or if she said something like that after hearing how you felt), you'd do well to remember that she's rebounding, and she's telling you what you want to hear to keep you around. She may even have herself convinced of that at the moment, but odds are good that that will change after you've been around each other more and you both start to remember the things that caused you to fight and ultimately break up. Those things are still there a little below the surface somewhere, and the "honeymoon phase" doesn't last forever.

I'm rattling on waaaay too long here, methinks. I'd be very surprised if you did anything other than break down and get back with her very shortly. Your call, it's your life. Just do yourself a favor and step back here and there and remember that what's true today may not be true tomorrow.

Again, good luck. feel free to PM me if you have any thoughts that you'd rather not put out there for public view.

aNToK · Post by **aNToK** » Mar 18th, '09, 09:27

@nankasento, there's a nice flip! Who knows, maybe they'll get married and have a couple of cute little rugrats. Or maybe he'll have a story similar to the one I posted earlier. Time will tell....

hakkablood · Post by **hakkablood** » Mar 18th, '09, 20:22

I like this quote haha "Time will only tell your future"

Calevera · Post by **Calevera** » Mar 26th, '09, 13:32

hakkablood, if you don't want your friend to find out that you made this thread, I suggest you change your avatar pic.

any news?

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