A Not So Interesting Story

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Valcun
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A Not So Interesting Story

Post by Valcun » Jul 21st, '08, 01:57

A not so Interesting Story

I don’t know who would really be interested in my life or read this story. My life is just full of despair, agony & pain. Everyday deep down in side, I am hurting and in pain. Yet as much as I want to talk about it, to a family member, a friend or anybody really; I am afraid I cannot. It’s not because I don’t want to, but it’s because society won’t let me. Everyday I am forced to put a fake smile, a front & personality so that I may continue to exist as a member of this human society. The society itself doesn’t care deep down inside. This is one of the truths I learned in life. As much as I wanted to tell people of the emotional feelings I am experiencing, they just look at me in disgust, shove it under the table and resume the conversation talking about them selves. Because in reality, that’s all they really care about. The most disgusting question I ever had to answer in my life is “How are you doing?” There is only one answer and one answer only that people want to hear. That answer is “Great.” I dare someone to say “Bad” or “Not so good” and tell me what kind of expression or response you’ll get. You might be thinking by now that I am a raging psychopath or a person who hates the world. But to tell you the truth, “tis not I that hates the world, but tis the world that hates me.”

For as long as I could remember, I was never liked by my peers. I’ve always been out casted and never been able to understand the workings of socialization or really, social science itself. Now if you think that I am an emo fucker who likes the darkness or is obsessed about listening to songs that talk about slitting my wrist, you sir/ma’am are clearly mistaken. To tell you the truth, I don’t quite understand which type of people I could identify my self with. I feel as if I don’t belong here. Because I never do fit in nor am I accepted by my peers; The worse part is, I haven’t hurt anyone, bad mouthed anyone or as a matter a fact did anything to anyone. I always minded my own business and try my best just to stay in the back of the crowd. But yet people still hate me and do not associate with me. They make my life hard by telling others how much they hate me and then it spreads like a virus. Next think you know; everyone hates me.

Other people tell me it’s a phase I’m going through and that when you get older things will lighten up. I was told this numerous times through out the phases of my life. Starting with preschool, elementary, middle, high school and then finally in college. Well I am almost 21 years old and you know what? It hasn’t changed. I try to make friends but after a few hang outs I am either flaked or just ignored. Even by the nerds, no offense. I don’t even want to get into co-workers. My self esteem at this point is broken beyond repair.

I’ve tried working out. I have an athletic body but, that didn’t work. I’ve tried getting my teeth whiten but that didn’t work. I’ve tried a new wardrobe but that didn’t work. I’ve tried reading personal power by Tony Robbins & The Secret but that didn’t work. Heck I’ve even tried getting a girl friend but that didn’t work either. All I got was drama and someone trying to control my life. The list just goes on and on. I could list them all, but if my English teacher ever reads this; she might pull out a glock and blow my head off for overused words and lack of word choice.
Last edited by Valcun on Jul 21st, '08, 02:08, edited 1 time in total.
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Valcun
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Post by Valcun » Jul 21st, '08, 02:02

I really wish I knew who I was. I always feel empty inside and I feel that I’m missing a big chunk of something deep down inside. I’ve tried to start off with what goals I have in life. But I don’t really have any. What I realized is after truly looking into each and every goal or dream that I could possibly have, I realized that I was just filling the holes. They weren’t even real goals. It was just something to temporarily motivate me to do things like have a job and go to school and get good grades. Because in reality you are only doing what society dictates you to do.

Right now, I have a hard time going through college because I can’t accept the fact that when I finish, for the rest of my life I will be working a nine to five job, with no time to my self and taking **** from my boss and co-workers. With the object of slaving away my life to make money to buy materialistic things to be live up to the standards that society dictates or be frowned upon.

At this point I feel like neo in the matrix (the first one, the 2nd an 3rd one are bullshit), walking through a crowd feeling distant, unable to relate to anyone feeling that I don’t belong here. I am just standing in a crowd while everyone is walking past me. Just observing and looking at each person walk by, seeing their own agenda, their own paths they are taking in their life. Or some walking aimlessly with no goals in life and just following the crowd because they have nothing else to do. Most of them fulfilling a blueprint in life; Going to school , getting good grades, find a good job, bone a chick, make kids, buy a house, settle down, see the **** you had to go through but from a parents perspective, work like a ****, grow old & die to past on your same blueprint to your children and the cycle starts all over again. I would put no time to your self, but I assumed you already knew that. Just thinking about it makes me want to puke. I guess the only goal I think I might try make an reality, is exactly like shrek’s goal in the first movie. To make a lot of money (I added this in), build a wall around my house and tell the world to f*** off.

Anyway, now getting back on topic, I also wish I knew what I was good at, but I’m not good in anything. I swear everyone hates me, I always get that stink eye look all the time (While typing this boring story a passer-byer in the coffee shop gave me a dirty look even though he was the one who looked at me first). I’m even bad with women and I don’t even know why. I wish I could understand what Ethan Hawk was thinking in the movie GATTACA. In the end he was able to prevail over society’s behavior and was able to accomplish his goal. I envy him, I really do.
Last edited by Valcun on Jul 21st, '08, 02:07, edited 1 time in total.
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Valcun
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Post by Valcun » Jul 21st, '08, 02:06

But recently I just feel so empty. I have no friends, everyone hates me “even my family” and I don’t even know what I want in life. After much thought, I enlisted into the military. I leave to basic training soon & hopefully I get to be deployed to Iraq. I figured that maybe if I joined, I could find what I am looking for in life. After watching the thin red line and the listening to the most awesome monologing and character development you’ll see in a movie. I hope I will find something there.

If I die, then so be it. I died serving my country. I at least did something in my life. But I doubt anyone would care anyway. I bet at my funeral everyone would just be there because they “have to be” not because “they want to be”. Probably only a few people or even none will show up at all and never shed a tear. During the service everyone will be looking at their watch telling themselves “when the f*** can I get out of here?” I learned that you exist and then you don’t exist, nothing more. That is just the way of life. If there is an after life and someone were to ask me if I ever regretted anything in life (if it even exists, I’d say “Love”.

No one has ever told me that they loved me. Nor have I ever experience this emotional feeling in my life. I would like to at least feel this feeling once in my life. But people have a problem with me and won’t share such a feeling.

Anyway, sorry for wasting your time if you read up to here just to hear such a boring sad story of a kids life. Though I doubt you even care because society tends to shun people like me and act as if it never happened. I am not asking for pity, sympathy or really that I’m just some “dude” complaining about everything. All I am doing is writing what’s on my mind and what I am feeling. I kept it bottled up for so long and finally decided to tell it for the first time. I would write a concluding sentence or paragraph, but I suck at them and get scolded a lot by my English teacher. I really don’t know what to say so I’ll just say this, I’m a business major. (Oh the irony.)

Edit: I always believe things should be left on a good note. Please listen to this song. http://youtube.com/watch?v=Ywg-PdeGVL0
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yukino2002
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Post by yukino2002 » Jul 21st, '08, 03:35

Hello Valcun. For what it's worth, I understand what you feel. The fake smiling, the small talk, the acting like everything is all good and well. I do it but I hate it. The part where you don't feel like you fit in anywhere specifically. The thoughts of "what would happen if I died", and would anyone actually care. I can relate. I think I've felt it all through middle school, through high school, through college, and even now sometimes. I mean, I really can't complain too much as I have a family that albeit follows society's dictated path of going to school, getting a job, getting married, etc etc but I believe that despite that they do love me.

I hate my life sometimes for what it is. For working 9-5. For not feeling fulfilled in the least.

But you know, I have met a few people in life that are worth being friends with. They are few and far between but I think they are there. There are a few people, who when they ask "how are you", you can say, everything sucks. And you can blow off some steam and enjoy another fun-filled day in paradise.

And also for what it's worth, I was a business major too. :)

awake_at_night
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Post by awake_at_night » Jul 21st, '08, 03:47

I can certainly relate to this...I feel this way most of the time...

I don't really know what to say, though.

I think it's OK to not have concrete goals or plans for your life. Like you said, goals are just ways that you try to fill gaps. I think that's true for everyone, whether or not people realize it. But regardless of the intention, there's a hole to fill, and people feel better when they fill it. And there's nothing wrong with that, really. It's human nature. It's what we need to do to survive.

I guess you need to try some more things out. God knows I'm still trying...right now I'm pre-med in college. I work so hard at it all the time, and I don't even think I'd make a good doctor. But I have learned a lot about myself in the process. I used to be pretty apathetic about everything, but I realized that being happy is something I need to fight for...constantly. Anyway, I might not become a doctor. I also sort of want to travel around the world and become a musician. Right now my plan is to take a year off after college and do exactly that. Do I really love playing music or have a burning desire to travel? No. But the fact that I came up with the idea means that something inside of me wants that. I think that's as close as I come to having goals.

Hell, give the army a shot, why not. The important thing is to keep trying. (Just please don't get killed...)

Maybe it's just that I'm a psychology major...but I really think the worst thing you can do is keep this to yourself. You shouldn't have to be ashamed. A lot of people feel this way...it's hard to find them but they're out there.

Sorry if this message was rambling and/or depressing...I really hope reading it didn't make you feel worse.

But you aren't alone. Really!!

P.S. I NEVER post. I think this is the first time. So...you're special?!

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saki-chan
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Post by saki-chan » Jul 21st, '08, 04:04

A lot of what you're saying, i can totally relate to. i'm only fifteen, but i too have felt these things my whole life. everyone's told me it's gonna get better and that's been the extent of their involvement or advice or caring. there are only a few things that make me feel better when i'm feeling like you.

first, there are people out there who get you and will like you. even if it's one in a million, there is someone out there you can connect with. even if your just living life to find that one friend, that one significant other that you can truly talk to and count on, it'll be worth it.

second, think about all the little things you like in life. be it dramas, or books, or music. list them off, to yourself or in a word document or notebook or something. i think you'll find out you enjoy life more than you realized, i certainly did.

third, realize that you are better than all the people who judge you or hate you without knowing you. understand that you're more 'evolved', if you will. that you have more capacity to love and even think than they do. (of course, i'm generalizing, but this is how it is in my experience.)

i actually feel almost exactly like you do most of the time. all the time, really, till recently. the only thing i could do to make myself feel better was change my situation. hopefully the change you're making, enlisting in the military, will help you figure things out. maybe being so close to death will make you appreciate life more? i'm not sure. i don't know if it gets better in life, but in my opinion, the happy times there are have got to be worth it. maybe you're just getting all your shitty time over with at once. good luck tho, sorry if i wasn't much help.

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gnossienneslent
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Post by gnossienneslent » Jul 21st, '08, 06:51

Oh yeah! Sing those American Suburbia Paradise Blues!

Okay now that's out of the way... actually you really need to get a damn blog. Hundreds of thousands of people find that to be a therapeutic outlet for their feelings. Personally, I think if that's your only problem you have it pretty damn good.

I have to tell you this, but I don't think people hate you. I think you believe and wish that they hate you because it's more comforting than thinking that they couldn't care less. Maybe people look at you weird because you have a fake smile on your face. Maybe because you want to want to want to build your fortress and become a hermit. They can sense you don't like people. I've never met you so I couldn't say for sure, but it's momentary and they aren't thinking about it anymore. Meanwhile, you are still dragging around that reaction and every other one that didn't make you feel good.

Listen, I've ticked off a bunch of people on this forum and I can tell you that there are a handful of people that probably do hate me for speaking my mind (feel free to join the crowd), but that's the way life is. If you are popular, rich, smart, lucky, whatever. there will be someone that resents you for it. I could care less who hates me because I'm not investing the energy into it. Besides, I've managed to con some really interesting people into engaging in fascinating exchanges on all sorts of topics. I'm not actively seeking the hatred of others. You seem drawn to it.

Your life is way too short (and you may have made it shorter by enlisting). If you think all the people around you are too wrapped up in themselves you might look over what you wrote. It's pretty self-absorbed. You have to care about people, then they will care about you. There are plenty of interesting people in the world. Learn as much as you can and develop some skills so you can be counted among them. It seems you tried really hard not to stand out and did all the things you were supposed to. You didn't figure out what you like so now you have nothing and are empty inside. It makes sense. Get a personality. Do things. If all else fails, go do volunteer work with disabled kids and get some perspective.



P.S. Your English teacher wouldn't happen to toting around a Glock 7 by any chance?
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fastat3m
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Post by fastat3m » Jul 21st, '08, 07:27

Maybe you should join a church or something. I'm not religious or in a church, but from what I see, it is a good way to connect with others. Even if you know nothing about religion, most churches have beginner groups that meet together and learn. It is easier to make friends with people with common interest or goals as yourself. By the way, I'm not really religious, and I don't go to a church, but from what I see from friends and family, they seem to be able to make friends their. Maybe you should join some type of club or class so that you can meet people with similar interests. Most of my friends that I have currently were from high school cross country. We became friends because we had similar goals as each other, and we had something to talk about that interest all of us. I'm far from the most popular kid in the world, but most of my friends are from cross country, and we became friends by talking out on the run. I don't think the people you meet ignore you on purpose, I think that they just don't know you as well or just lazy. If you called them, they probably would hang out with you. Well, good luck finding good friends. You should have faith though, and try to keep your spirits high. It is important to have high spirits, because people want to be around people who lift up their own spirits instead of ones that lower their spirits. I'm sure things will work out.

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Puppet Princess
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Post by Puppet Princess » Jul 21st, '08, 07:30

gnossienneslent wrote: Maybe people look at you weird because you have a fake smile on your face. Maybe because you want to want to want to build your fortress and become a hermit. They can sense you don't like people. I've never met you so I couldn't say for sure, but it's momentary and they aren't thinking about it anymore. Meanwhile, you are still dragging around that reaction and every other one that didn't make you feel good.
Yup. Yup.
People aren't as stupid as you think. They can sense when you feel unhappy and like you are disgusted with them. It's a HUUUUUUGE turn off. I mean, everyone has their own issues. Why would they want to get involved with someone they sense has bigger issues? People with issues are like leeches. They steal energy.

I'll tell you a secret... Most friendships are shallow. There are maybe two friends that I have known since forever that I can say anything to and will care if I want to scream, cry , and curse the world. Everyone else... is just fun to spend time with. The conversation never gets very deep.

As cliche as it sounds... the key to getting people to like you is to first like yourself.
Most people don't know what they want to do or get from life. Focusing on that does no good. You just need to accept that you are lost and then start trying new things until you find something that makes you feel something special.

Running away from the world and people and hiding behind a wall will only make you feel this way more and make people shun you more.

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Ootori Kyouya
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Post by Ootori Kyouya » Jul 31st, '08, 05:13

I am appalled at what I am hearing from this topic.

I'm not going to say something like 'I understand' because no one can fully understand what you are saying. It's impossible. Personal feelings are immeasurable. People can try to relate, but that's as much they can do.

As for what you and everyone who replied with a negative attitude has been saying, I'll just say one thing.

'You're all pathetic'

Why do I say that? Because you all gave up. What the hell makes you think you're the only one going through all this? Do you think that this makes you special? There are people who experience stuff FAR MORE WORSE THAN YOU. Stop pitying yourself because that is a desperate tactic for wanting attention.

Don't give me this bullshit about how this is what is life about. You don't know that. No one know what life is. I am a living proof that has beaten extreme odds. I credit that to myself because I never gave up. I gave everything I had to achieve it.

You all look at failure as a dark reminder that nothing will be achieved. The problem is that you let fear paralyze you. For me, it's a motivator because I want to conquer it, no matter what.

When you are born, our life is never your own. Whether it's religion, parents, friends or a loved one, they share a part of your life.

If you want something, go get it. No one will give it to you. You must earn for it and not let anything stop you from getting it.

rezeero
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Post by rezeero » Jul 31st, '08, 05:34

hey!
I'll be quick :roll

1) get yourself a blog and a nice friendly board to participate in, and
2) look for professional help

you won't get anywhere with church or the army, it's obvious you don't believe in any of them
life is not as disappointing as you say and all the answers you're looking for are right in front of you. you're just too confused to see it right now

take care :)

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