Where have all the nice guys gone?

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Ply
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Where have all the nice guys gone?

Post by Ply » May 19th, '08, 09:12

I see this question posted with some regularity in the personals section, so I thought I'd take a minute to explain things to the ladies out there that haven't figured it out.

What happened to all the nice guys?

The answer is simple: you did.

See, if you think back, really hard, you might vaguely remember a Platonic guy pal who always seemed to want to spend time with you. He'd tag along with you when you went shopping, stop by your place for a movie when you were lonely but didn't feel like going out, or even sit there and hold you while you sobbed and told him about how horribly the (other) guy that you were **** treated you.

At the time, you probably joked with your girlfriends about how he was a little puppy dog, always following you around, trying to do things to get you to pay attention to him. They probably teased you because they thought he had a crush on you. Given that his behavior was, admittedly, a little pathetic, you vehemently denied having any romantic feelings for him, and buttressed your position by claiming that you were "just friends." Besides, he totally wasn't your type. I mean, he was a little too short, or too bald, or too fat, or too poor, or didn't know how to dress himself, or basically be or do any of the things that your tall, good-looking, fit, rich, stylish boyfriend at the time pulled off with such ease.

Eventually, your Platonic buddy drifted away, as your relationship with the boyfriend got more serious and spending time with this other guy was, admittedly, a little weird, if you werent dating him. More time passed, and the boyfriend eventually cheated on you, or became boring, or you realized that the things that attracted you to him weren't the kinds of things that make for a good, long-term relationship. So, now, you're single again, and after having tried the bar scene for several months having only encountered players and douche bags, you wonder, "What happened to all the nice guys?"

Well, once again, you did.

You ignored the nice guy. You used him for emotional intimacy without reciprocating, in kind, with physical intimacy. You laughed at his consideration and resented his devotion. You valued the aloof boyfriend more than the attentive "just-a-" friend. Eventually, he took the hint and moved on with his life. He probably came to realize, one day, that women aren't really attracted to guys who hold doors open; or make dinners just because; or buy you a Christmas gift that you mentioned, in passing, that you really wanted five months ago; or listen when you're upset; or hold you when you cry. He came to realize that, if he wanted a woman like you, he'd have to act more like the boyfriend that you had. He probably cleaned up his look, started making some money, and generally acted like more of an **** than he ever wanted to be.

Fact is, now, he's probably getting laid, and in a way, your ultimate rejection of him is to thank for that. And I'm sorry that it took the complete absence of "nice guys" in your life for you to realize that you missed them and wanted them. Most women will only have a handful of nice guys stumble into their lives, if that.

So, if you're looking for a nice guy, here's what you do:

1.) Build a time machine.
2.) Go back a few years and pull your head out of your ass.
3.) Take a look at what's right in front of you and grab ahold of it.

I suppose the other possibility is that you STILL don't really want a nice guy, but you feel the social pressure to at least appear to have matured beyond your infantile taste in men. In which case, you might be in luck, because the nice guy you claim to want has, in reality, shed his nice guy mantle and is out there looking to unleash his cynicism and resentment onto someone just like you.

If you were five years younger.

So, please: either stop misrepresenting what you want, or own up to the fact that you've fucked yourself over. You're getting older, after all. It's time to excise the bullshit and deal with reality. You didn't want a nice guy then, and he certainly doesn't **** want you, now.

Sincerely,

A Recovering Nice Guy

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zyrene
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Re: Where have all the nice guys gone?

Post by zyrene » May 19th, '08, 11:59

Wow!!!! :salut:

edited:
are you the nice guy ply? man, it must be hard....

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yunizuka
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Post by yunizuka » May 19th, '08, 12:52

Wow !!
I dunno what you went through, but your point of view is really pessimistic ...

And I have another question for you Ply...What happened to all the nice girls?
Guys do the same stuff with girls you know...

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Halfass
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Post by Halfass » May 19th, '08, 15:11

Enjoyed reading the OP. Well done, Ply!

IMHO, we have a very limited amount of time in our busy days to dedicate to courting women. And most of us already have enough "friends". So if you run across a woman who says "Just friends" , then I'd suggest to stop trying. You are basically wasting your valuable time. Find a woman who is interested.

Remember, never be her teddy bear/doormat, be her challenge. A guy has to be strong, confident, direct, and let his woman know that he will only give his time away to a woman that will not reject his heart.

Same goes for women, as well. Do not ever allow yourself to be used and abused by men and/or women in ways that can result in low self-esteem/confidence and sometimes depression. Having such can be detrimental to a person's overall well-being.

Peace.

ainawy
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Post by ainawy » May 19th, '08, 15:57

to tell you the truth .. that nice so called " only-friend" guy is the real **** .. i mean what did he expect in the first place .. it's obvious that she doesn't see him as a man because if she did she wouldn't be banging someone else .. why would he change if it was only a platonic relationship .. i think there isn't such relationships between men and women .. there's bound to be some kind of attraction at some point .. all that talk about men and women being "only friends" is trash talk .. he settled in the first place for being the underdog in the on and off love triangles so what happened that suddenly made him say .. " you know what being nice isn't getting me anywhere" .. that just says that the relationship or at least the way he saw her wasn't as a friend but as a women .. because it seems he wanted more .. why become the " friend" if it's infact love/affection/attention is what you need from her.. you setteled for being the dog .. you were the one that never spoke up of your intentions .. your the **** here .. i hate dudes that are like that .. you hide your feelings then you drift away .. then you act like the victim .. it's either you act like a man and you express your feelings clearly or just suck it up ..

You reap what you sow my friend .. your actions made that situation what it is

if you like some one then you have to speak up
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katzenjammin'
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Post by katzenjammin' » May 19th, '08, 16:18

This was a good post. I get a bit annoyed sometimes at the things posted in this subforum but hopefully some of those people in question manage to read some of this.

That being said, let's look at the traits that are considered to be masculine... being logical or aloof, tall, competitive, strong, etc... things that don't necessarily coincide with the "nice guy" demeanor and not necessarily the important in relationships. Those are the kinds of thing that initially attract a woman. Women like guys who sometimes act like jerks, don't wait on her hand and foot, guys that don't seem pathetic. Because... if you're too much of a nice guy, you probably seem pathetic to her. It really might suck, but you've got to realize that if you want to win you have to start playing the game. You don't have to become an **** or anything, but there are things you can do. Maybe take a bit more time to pick out you clothes. Be more assertive. Get a hobby or something...

I agree with yunizuka and Halfass, though, it goes both ways. I know plenty of girls who aren't exactly "hot" or play the same kinds of games that some others do, but always stick it out for their friends, male or not. Guys are often guilty of the same type of superficial judgments.

To the OP; you're still really young and kids your age are into "the thrill of chase". Trying to get with those "hard-to-get" people is fun and exciting. As you get older, you'll find that people get more down-to-earth and realize what's really important to have in a relationship. If you'll really the so-called "nice guy", then you're bound to find someone. Until then, you can either try to compete or hold out and try not to get bitter. Best of luck to you.

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slowmoe
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Post by slowmoe » May 19th, '08, 16:38

katzenjammin' wrote: if you want to win you have to start playing the game.
well written post....but i gotta ask why women love to play mind games....seriously its bad for the health and mind.....

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xplicit
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Post by xplicit » May 19th, '08, 16:40

Halfass wrote: The Boss's blah blah..
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g-em
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there's a reason why

Post by g-em » May 19th, '08, 17:11

a really good post.. but yeah.. it also applies to the ladies.. imho it is in these happenings that i could say or realize that everything happens for a reason.. get what i mean? :P

g-em
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there's a reason why

Post by g-em » May 19th, '08, 17:13

a really good post.. but yeah.. it also applies to the ladies.. imho it is in these happenings that i could say or realize that everything happens for a reason.. its like a chain of events, if one thing didn't happen then another thing won't be what it is.. get what i mean? :P

g-em
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there's a reason why

Post by g-em » May 19th, '08, 17:15

a really good post.. but yeah.. it also applies to the ladies.. imho it is in these happenings that i could say or realize that everything happens for a reason.. its like a chain of events, if one thing didn't happen then another thing won't be what it is.. get what i mean? :P

ainawy
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Post by ainawy » May 19th, '08, 17:19

g-em i think he got your point no need to say it three times Image
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g-em
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Post by g-em » May 19th, '08, 17:23

lol.. sorry for that.. the connection just lagged and i pressed back and forward and ther you go.. it posted thrice!!! haha.. sorry for the spam.. my apologies

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Néa Vanille
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Post by Néa Vanille » May 19th, '08, 17:43

If you think about it, all those "nice guys" who befriend women with the sole attention of getting into their pants aren't any better than the women who knowingly take advantage of them. We women like nice guys, but not ones who come on with false pretense.

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KissedInuyasha
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Post by KissedInuyasha » May 19th, '08, 17:56

well...I'm still asking where the nice guys are. Never had a good guy friend who didn't come with intentions like those. And then, when you try dating and it turns out bad guess what? You've lost a friend. Coming from someone who's so-called good friend like that turned into an **** after dating. And it's also hard to find a good friend, period. So what if we don't want to ruin it.



I was the friend who tried harder than the guy at the friendship. Helping with his "bad" girlfriend, talking to him when he was down and just being around in general. and I never got anything but heartbreak over it. So it works both ways my friend.

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yunizuka
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Post by yunizuka » May 19th, '08, 20:32

ainawy wrote: if you like some one then you have to speak up
yea I agree with you ainawy !
you can't have something if you just watch and wait patiently, if you want the girl : tell her ! It's just that simple, no need to take it out on girls

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indyana
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Post by indyana » May 19th, '08, 20:36

In some ways, it's probably true. I've seen a nice guys being used by not-so-nice women, and it isn't pretty. I'm a woman, and even I don't understand why some women play the games they do. Of course, I've also seen the reverse, where a nice girl gets used by a not-so-nice guy. I think it can definitely go both ways.

Too many people spend their lives obsessed with appearance, social status, sex, money... any number of things. And it isn't until they get older, if ever, that they realize that they may have missed out on a lot of the deeper, meaningful experiences along the way. Life is too short to spend your time acting for someone else or ratcheting up the drama for kicks. And I know that I, at least, have got more important things to do with my time than spend it with someone who's 'playing the game'.

I'm sorry that you had someone use you like that, but I hope that you won't let her leave a permanent mark on you by turning your heart to anger and bitterness. You shouldn't have to become someone else or play any sort of role when you find the right person.

Peace out.

g-em
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a chain reaction..

Post by g-em » May 20th, '08, 01:01

indyana wrote: I'm sorry that you had someone use you like that, but I hope that you won't let her leave a permanent mark on you by turning your heart to anger and bitterness. You shouldn't have to become someone else or play any sort of role when you find the right person.
I agree with this.. If you want to make a sort of revenge to someone who is like that then go on.. but be careful on who you play with, maybe you could hurt somebody who is some like you (if you are the nice guy).. and will turn out to be like you (who turned into a "player") because then on, more and more nice people will become like this.. :argue: :alcoholic: where is the LOVE?

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Synique
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Post by Synique » May 20th, '08, 01:53

A good post, and completely understand.

But don't stop being the nice guy! Yes, you should speak up! But if you can not, there are loads of other hints to dish out if shyness and fear of rejection is the problem. The worst that can happen is that the girl says no. (And if she laughs and belittles you then she was definately not worth the time and effort.) Pick flowers for her, (true you can buy them, but I'm always charmed and the thought of someone going to a park or field or ah... neighbors lol to pick a few makes me smile), write a short but sweet note... There are lots of small hints to give out to show true intentions other than the just-be-friends type. As others have said, you should be clear. I don't know where anyone got the idea that we're mind readers and sometimes we can be dense too. :P

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blamvitaburst
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Post by blamvitaburst » May 22nd, '08, 04:18

Woah woah woah, reality check!
You are NOT the nice guy.
Case in point: http://www.d-addicts.com/forum/viewtopic_55646_0.htm

It's also made obvious in the description of events in your post that you're not a nice guy, but you are the kind of guy who gets emotionally close to a woman with the hidden motivation of banging the beejeebles out of her. You take advantage of her kindness in befriending you (whereby she shows she is already willing to have a fully equal EMOTIONAL friendship with you- which means you are already in an equal relationship with her) with your hidden desires to jump her body.

Ultimately, you expect these women you act "nice" towards to understand themselves as sexual objects who should reward your kindness with sexual attention. Basically, you think that if you listen to their problems they "owe" you sex. You are full on WRONG about this. If you give a person attention emotionally, then all you can expect back is emotional support as well. Now, if they will have you listen to their problems and then not listen to yours as well if you bring your issues up with them, THEN they are being an **** to you and you have every right to be upset and to break your friendship with them.

It makes me annoyed when two faced people like you claim to be "nice guys" so as to excuse your truly awful behavior towards women. You are basically saying that because a single woman in your life didn't see herself as being valuable only for sex acts and therefore didn't reward your fraudulent emotional support with booty calls you then have an excuse to treat all women crappily.

I know LOTS of nice men. And they have very sensual and romantic relationships with the women in their lives without ever resorting to being assholes. They have sex, love, AND friendship. They got to that point by being honest, open, and truly kind people. If you fail with one woman, try dating others until you find one who *is* attracted to you and romantically interested in you. The key word is dating. Nice guys are generally open about their motivation and don't befriend women with the intent to guilt them into sex. They do not pressure them for sex, but they show their interest in them as both sensual *and* emotional beings. Even shy nice guys wouldn’t treat women the way that you describe.

Really, the basic point I’m making is that everyone of either sex gets dumped, used, mistreated, or otherwise ignored by someone they are attracted to at least once. That's no reason to treat all the other possible love interests in your life terribly. And further, if acting like a jerk gets you laid easily then you have to ask yourself what kind of person you've been all along. If that kind of life of emotionless sex satisfies you well enough for you to give up on treating others kindly then you were never a nice guy to begin with because a truly nice person would always want to treat others well, even if they weren't rewarded with sex by doing so. You just didn't have the guts to be outwardly confrontational with your sexual nature until you found out that underhanded, cowardly methods will ultimately fail one way or another in getting you laid.

A jerk who gets laid is getting laid because the person laying him doesn't want to be bothered with someone else's emotional needs and not because all women prefer jerks. The basic truth is that like attracts like, and jerky men will ultimately attract emotionally aloof or possibly cruel women who are more sexually active in general. If that's what makes you happy, then enjoy that lifestyle. But don't claim to have been made that way by someone who couldn't appreciate how "nice" you were. You were always that jerky person just out for sex, and your description of your situation definitely shows that.

I'm not trying to be a total ****, but posting something like this in a public forum after you just admitted to being a jerk in an unrelated post is basically begging for someone to disagree with you. And maybe once you get over this victimized "nice guy" crap you'll be happier by being true to what you really are.
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zippyflu
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Post by zippyflu » May 22nd, '08, 07:22

all i can say is being the nice guy sucks... and its not like we can stop being the nice guy.. cuz i def tried and cant.

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Ply
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Post by Ply » May 22nd, '08, 22:50

blamvitaburst wrote:Woah woah woah, reality check!
You are NOT the nice guy.
Case in point: http://www.d-addicts.com/forum/viewtopic_55646_0.htm

It's also made obvious in the description of events in your post that you're not a nice guy, but you are the kind of guy who gets emotionally close to a woman with the hidden motivation of banging the beejeebles out of her. You take advantage of her kindness in befriending you (whereby she shows she is already willing to have a fully equal EMOTIONAL friendship with you- which means you are already in an equal relationship with her) with your hidden desires to jump her body.

Ultimately, you expect these women you act "nice" towards to understand themselves as sexual objects who should reward your kindness with sexual attention. Basically, you think that if you listen to their problems they "owe" you sex. You are full on WRONG about this. If you give a person attention emotionally, then all you can expect back is emotional support as well. Now, if they will have you listen to their problems and then not listen to yours as well if you bring your issues up with them, THEN they are being an **** to you and you have every right to be upset and to break your friendship with them.

It makes me annoyed when two faced people like you claim to be "nice guys" so as to excuse your truly awful behavior towards women. You are basically saying that because a single woman in your life didn't see herself as being valuable only for sex acts and therefore didn't reward your fraudulent emotional support with booty calls you then have an excuse to treat all women crappily.

I know LOTS of nice men. And they have very sensual and romantic relationships with the women in their lives without ever resorting to being assholes. They have sex, love, AND friendship. They got to that point by being honest, open, and truly kind people. If you fail with one woman, try dating others until you find one who *is* attracted to you and romantically interested in you. The key word is dating. Nice guys are generally open about their motivation and don't befriend women with the intent to guilt them into sex. They do not pressure them for sex, but they show their interest in them as both sensual *and* emotional beings. Even shy nice guys wouldn’t treat women the way that you describe.

Really, the basic point I’m making is that everyone of either sex gets dumped, used, mistreated, or otherwise ignored by someone they are attracted to at least once. That's no reason to treat all the other possible love interests in your life terribly. And further, if acting like a jerk gets you laid easily then you have to ask yourself what kind of person you've been all along. If that kind of life of emotionless sex satisfies you well enough for you to give up on treating others kindly then you were never a nice guy to begin with because a truly nice person would always want to treat others well, even if they weren't rewarded with sex by doing so. You just didn't have the guts to be outwardly confrontational with your sexual nature until you found out that underhanded, cowardly methods will ultimately fail one way or another in getting you laid.

A jerk who gets laid is getting laid because the person laying him doesn't want to be bothered with someone else's emotional needs and not because all women prefer jerks. The basic truth is that like attracts like, and jerky men will ultimately attract emotionally aloof or possibly cruel women who are more sexually active in general. If that's what makes you happy, then enjoy that lifestyle. But don't claim to have been made that way by someone who couldn't appreciate how "nice" you were. You were always that jerky person just out for sex, and your description of your situation definitely shows that.

I'm not trying to be a total ****, but posting something like this in a public forum after you just admitted to being a jerk in an unrelated post is basically begging for someone to disagree with you. And maybe once you get over this victimized "nice guy" crap you'll be happier by being true to what you really are.

I was waiting for someone to point that out. I'm surprised it took 2 pages.

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zyrene
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Post by zyrene » May 23rd, '08, 09:00

@ply
hahaha i thought you would say that the guy back at the prom was once a nice guy...

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Post by Tofuspeedstar » May 29th, '08, 01:40

They gone..o..by the way I'm new here lol, watched dramas for a long time, just never bothered to post, sup.

Name's Neemo, wrd.

zippyflu
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Post by zippyflu » Jun 8th, '08, 05:52

nice guy here~~just got dumped ~~ the girl couldnt find a reason why she stopped liking me.. lolzz.. lame! lolz

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Ply
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Post by Ply » Jun 8th, '08, 19:14

Image

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leo008
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Post by leo008 » Jun 8th, '08, 21:59

ahaha. Great post guys. Very engaging. Nice twist there too ply. Thanks alot for the fun read guys, keep it up.
Adversity doesn''t build character, it reveals it...

merou2
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Post by merou2 » Jun 10th, '08, 05:29

well said dude :salut:

But again, the "nice guy" has his own faults , sometimes you have to take initiative, and sweep that girl off her feet, and show her what your all about, instead of being her pillow. But well said, hahahaha. :cheers:

EDIT

/** Plagiarism anyone? **/

:cussing:
Last edited by merou2 on Jun 10th, '08, 05:34, edited 1 time in total.

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pn0yb0i
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Post by pn0yb0i » Jun 10th, '08, 05:32

http://www.google.com/search?q=+At+the+ ... =firefox-a

Too bad the first post was a copy and paste.

TLDNR.

Sorry for the kill joy.

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leo008
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Post by leo008 » Jun 14th, '08, 13:24

thats even funnier! :lol
Adversity doesn''t build character, it reveals it...

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jiraiyasama
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Post by jiraiyasama » Jun 23rd, '08, 16:02

nice guys always lose out being nice is apparently weak in girls eyes, they look sub conciously for a leader and thats why jerks show that, leadership your my woman these are my followers we won't make waek kids! haha...

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Lovelymagic
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Post by Lovelymagic » Jun 29th, '08, 07:35

I'm to tired to tread through the whole thread so i'll just give my two cents.
If you want to learn how to attract women, then do so. For what cause? to get laid? Shame on you, but if you only aim for those women who wants to have a 'good time', then go ahead, have fun. But do you want to attract that special someone so you can make her forever happy(untill you stop loving one another)? Then go ahead, if it's for a good cause, then learn learn learn!

dabogy
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Post by dabogy » Jul 15th, '09, 03:37

since they are nice..they were taken already...nyahahah..

bjharm
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Post by bjharm » Jul 15th, '09, 04:24

They all watched K-drama and released the nice guy never gets the girl..:-)

huycha04
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Post by huycha04 » Nov 29th, '09, 06:59

i think they are going away from you, jokes jokes


i think you need to look harder and lower your standards a bit, then you can find that someone

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peshti
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Post by peshti » Dec 6th, '09, 22:46

The nice guys turned bad when girls started to **** our best friends

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Secret_Symphony
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Post by Secret_Symphony » Aug 12th, '13, 15:53

I have a nice guy. They exist out there. You just have to keep looking and keep trying!

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