Need advice from a straight or gay guy please >_<

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buttercupsf
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Joined: Apr 13th, '06, 21:42

Need advice from a straight or gay guy please >_<

Post by buttercupsf » Feb 21st, '08, 15:38

Hi everyone
I think i'm feeling quite lost at the moment. i've been friends with a boy (i'm a girl) for over five years. we're the best of friends, we know everything about each other but we've never met. we spend hours each and every day talking. up until now he only dated boys, now hes going to start dating women. his mother isn't around and its safe to say i was the most important girl in his life. i know its selfish of me but i don't think i could take him having a girlfriend. the idea of some other woman caring for him in the ways i used to, emotionally, spiritually, listening to every word he said, and making him feel better when he was sad, i couldn't do it and it wouldn't be fair to his new girlfriend that he spends so much time with me.
right now i'm going to help him find a beautiful girlfriend who will marry him one day and treat him like the sweetheart his is, after that i want to disappear but my heart feels so broken. with him around i was never lonely, now so many things have changed.
I was going to go live in japan with him and leave canada but it wouldn't be fair to her, who ever she may be.
any advice at this point would be helpful, even saying that i'm being utterly selfish
thank you very much, i appreciate everyone's time for listening to my sorrows.

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kobe23
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Post by kobe23 » Feb 22nd, '08, 13:13

Wait...let me get this straight. Your male friend is bi-sexual? And you only feel jealous when he dates women but not men?

Ok, that's not really relevant, but from what you wrote, I think you are being slightly self-ish. Even though the way you feel is totally natural, you really have no right in holding on to him since you have never met in real life. Back when I was younger I used to talk to a girl from America and we used to discuss how we would meet eachother one day and be together, but one day suddenly, she called me up and said she found a boyfriend. I felt like I was dying inside, but I accepted what happened (almost felt like being cheated on) and wished her all the best. We didn't stay friends, because like yourself, I couldn't handle the fact that another man was caring for her.

But you know life goes on and you'll find another guy who you can give all your love to. I'm now married with 3 kids and I haven't even thought of her until I read your post :)

jholic
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Post by jholic » Feb 23rd, '08, 04:56

Need advice from a straight or gay guy please
don't mean to distract from the original post, but if you buy into the theory that there is no such thing as bi-, then don't you just want advice from guys??
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Noale
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Post by Noale » Feb 23rd, '08, 10:01

Okay, just pretend I'm a guy for a second.
How about you go up to him by flying to Japan - or making him come to Canada - and actually meet him? Just by doing that you'll learn a whole lot more.
Either the sweet internet relationship will be sprinkled on with real life magic powder and he will agree that only you can be the girl for him. That way you can eventually move to Japan to live with him.
Another option; you'll find that the two of you don't really get on that well in real life and he wasn't quite as what you had hoped he would be. That way you shouldn't have a problem letting him go and date anyone he likes.
The worst that could probably happen is that you'll love him at first sight, but he will not be all that enthusiastic about you. I think the chances of this happening are rather small though.
Besides, whichever option it will be, at least you'll know the truth and get a reality boost, which always helps.
Follow your feet and you will not get lost :thumright:

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Star-Bolt
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Post by Star-Bolt » Feb 23rd, '08, 12:54

Love on internet its possible. But dont force anyone to have the feelings of loving you. He must show you an advice of his feelings. Its something imposible to hide. Look for it without subjetivity. You can find the answer without testing him.
Star-Bolt
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buttercupsf
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Post by buttercupsf » Feb 24th, '08, 00:31

Thank you so much everyone for your feedback. Its such a difficult relationship for me to describe because its not like a lover but like a really strong friendship. i don't know either i think i'm being selfish. hes the type of person that people instantly fall in love with and i'm not even saying that lightly. most of his friends eventually confess their feelings for him and i don't think i'm in love with him at all. I just want to be there forever in his life, watching him grow, but having another woman, i dont think any woman would let their husbands have that close a relationship with another woman. gaaaah...i'm hoping to make it there by september, hes been waiting for me to come too. i won't push anything and see how it goes i guess....oh so scary..

nankasento
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Post by nankasento » May 5th, '08, 01:28

Don't get your hopes up to high, it's not going to be that peachy.
You only know from eachother what you tell eachother, it's not like your able to view it up close and expierence it first hand, it's completely different almost opposite.

I also get the feeling your contradicting yourself, you don't love him but you want to be in his life forever to watch him grow but not with other women. Forever is a pretty long time. Does the word jealousy mean anything to you? From what I'm reading you sound like a very jealous girlfriend or rather, want to be girlfriend, since you actually never really spend the night together. Don't take it wrong, I'm not attacking you, saying your a jealous girl, it's just that's how you come across to me when I read your post on this matter.

Before you actually decide to migrate to another country it would be wise to actually meet him first more than once before you take that step. Also go on vacation with him to another country than the current country either of you are in, and make sure it's for a substancial time period, then you'll really get to know eachother.

Migrating to another country is quite the hassle and doing that for someone who is actively looking for someone other than you(be it male or female) is not a good choice.

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slowmoe
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Location: westcoast

Post by slowmoe » May 5th, '08, 02:08

whats going on....why do straight women always fall for gay men....

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zyrene
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Post by zyrene » May 5th, '08, 07:04

Yeah why dont you be like Gina, halfass, and g'boys.... :D

@nankasento

why dont you tell him that you dont want him to have a GF and that you want to be always by his side forever and ever? hehe

is it hard to do? i think it is. :D

nankasento
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Joined: Mar 5th, '08, 22:48

Post by nankasento » May 5th, '08, 22:59

zyrene wrote: @nankasento

why dont you tell him that you dont want him to have a GF and that you want to be always by his side forever and ever? hehe

is it hard to do? i think it is. :D
You completely missed the point but that's okay.
I never said it's not difficult, did you actually took the time and read what I wrote or did you just come across me telling that she comes across as a jealous girl and that was enough for a low blow?
So you think it's wise to migrate to another country for a person you've chatted with for only 5 years? A person you have never stood face to face with? Are your actually saying that it's a wise thing to do as a girl to migrate to another country for a guy you've never seen in person?, ever. This doesn't come across as hazardous? Have you ever migrated to another country? I have done that a couple of times so, please share your view clearly on this subject instead of a couple short sentences on peoples post.

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zyrene
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Post by zyrene » May 6th, '08, 04:30

sorry i never said about migrating, i should have said email him instead of tell him. because as far as i understood the guy does not know that the girl, her chatmate, have feelings for him, right? so why not tell him or email him. and if he also loves the girl then he'll find a way for them together. thats how things work out here. guyz always finds the way for him and his girl to be together. :D

buttercupsf
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Post by buttercupsf » May 7th, '08, 17:18

Wooozers...I really appreciate everyone who posted or even read what I had to say, but the bottom line is that I'm not in love with him. Our relationship is so difficult to explain, everyone has a relationship like that, that isn't clearly defined by labels and words. I'm just saying since I've always been the female in his life (his mother not in the picture) its hard to share that role. I've seen him go through so much. Every woman and man thats come as a friend has confessed their love ruining any friendship there. I love him but I'm not IN love with him. I just don't want to lose my closeness to him to someone else. Yeah its selfish but really who in this world isn't. Since i've been in his life for such a long period and we have this closeness I know him very well and the whole reason hes trying to be with girls now is because of the failure of being with some men. Relationships are quite different in that aspect. Sometimes being gay, in some families, is a lot harder than it is in other families. The pressre, the ridicule, the disappointment. The point is, that I love him more than anything in the whole world and I always will no matter what happens. Hes my best friend, he's who i cry to when all the bad things happen, hes the one who understands me the best. And no thats not love, its just a very strong friendship. When he finds her, and I'll do my best to help him with that...as hard as it is and as much as i don't want to...I'll disappear from his life. Its the only way to keep my sanity.

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zyrene
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Post by zyrene » May 8th, '08, 08:10

buttercupsf wrote:Wooozers...I'm not in love with him. Our relationship is so difficult to explain,
Ok, you are not in love with him and does not have an oficial relationship with him.
buttercupsf wrote: Every woman and man thats come as a friend has confessed their love ruining any friendship there.
Sounds like you want to confess to him but you are afraid that it might ruin your friendship.
buttercupsf wrote: I love him but I'm not IN love with him.
Now, you are not in love with him again.
buttercupsf wrote: The point is, that I love him more than anything in the whole world and I always will no matter what happens.

Now you love him again, more than anything else.
buttercupsf wrote:I'll disappear from his life. Its the only way to keep my sanity.
does this action guarantee that he'll keep his sanity after you disappear from his life? i mean he could be in love with you too.

:crazy: confucius was confused, aristotle did not understand, plato tried to defined it but failed. Love

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expanzee
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Post by expanzee » May 8th, '08, 08:54

She did say that their relationship is complicated. Period.

Only people who has a best friend of an opposite gender will understand I think. (Talking from your point of view) You care for him but you're not in love with him. It's always difficult to tell whether he has no feeling for you and people in this kind of relationship always afraid of finding out. That's why people say guys cannot be friends with girls and vice versa (Which in I kinda disagree until some extent).

I say you guys must clear your feelings first. He must know how you feel. You must tell him directly that you care and love him but not in the romance way, just as a frined. Then work it out whether you guys should stay the same or you guys must keep a distance. Every relationship is different. And I think the guy must be truthful with his current gf.

My two cents.

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G'boy
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Post by G'boy » May 8th, '08, 16:33

buttercupsf wrote: [ blah blah blah]
Darling, before you add more of your butter into his cup, I'd suggest to give it up and look for another cup to add. I mean really gf, what on earth are you thinking? Your bestfriend is GAY as in G. A. Y. = GAY!! Yes gf, I've heard it all, he's out finding a girl (with you wanting to help) questioning his sexually, whatever you wanna call it, But really gf, your friend is gayer than gay!

Leave him to be, gf. invest your time wisely. Find your own man to stir your cup and a make fresh brewed love. If he's truly your friend, you guys will never lose contact. Go out and explore and stop droolin' on gay men will get you no result but heartaches at the end. Love yourself first, gf. Mwah!

Asellus
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Post by Asellus » May 18th, '08, 01:12

I'm a straight woman who is also in a similar situation, but the man is single and straight. I've talked to him around 5 years, as well. I love him. He's my best friend. We've talked about meeting each other someday and promised to be good friends forever, even if we date or marry other people. I can understand that part.

In any case, all I have to say is, don't dismiss it as not being in love with him. Where do you think love comes from? It comes from friendship. I can't say I'm in love either, but I'd say knowing you love a person a great deal is enough. I'm not sure there's even any difference.

I would have to agree with what some of the other people said. You don't know until you meet the person how you really feel about them.

Also, nobody's relationship isn't complicated.

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