hey you, first generation asian-american kids

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jaded20
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hey you, first generation asian-american kids

Post by jaded20 » Oct 22nd, '07, 01:45

My brother and I are part of the first generation of asian-american kids in my extended family. we were born in the states, and my parents were born in s. korea. they are very crazy conservative ... well at least my mom anyways. it's like whatever i say that is not to agree with her is considered back talking. am i the only one who has such a crazy asian mother? who has such a crazy family that fits all stereotypes that can be made of asian parents and lifetsyle?? am i supposed to suck it up and listen and obey to what they say until the end??? will i be shaming them if i as the first child decide to take the reigns of my own destiny? if i say no to what they want me to do? i feel so frustrated sometimes, so suffocated. am i alone in this????
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lynchmob72
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Post by lynchmob72 » Oct 22nd, '07, 02:05

I am not asian-american, but i feel like i need to say something here. It doesn't matter what race you are, NOBODY will ever care for you more than your parents. If you feel like your being smothered by your parents ways, try talking to them in an adult manner.
It will probably take some time to get through to them, but if you show that you are serious, and mature, they may just listen to you.

jaded20
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Post by jaded20 » Oct 22nd, '07, 02:25

you so do not have a clue about what i am talking about. sure, no one can love us more than our own parents, but they sure as hell can love us better

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Post by ittiou » Oct 22nd, '07, 02:33

-raises hand-
Me. I know what you're talking about. I'm Chinese though .

...but yes, the nagging never stops...

Asian parents want to control their children's lives. Its tradition. I'm probably going to follow that...

jess22
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Post by jess22 » Oct 22nd, '07, 02:47

I'm Chinese and yeah, the nagging never stops. However, it's definitely not exclusive to just Asian parents. A lot of my non-Asian friends complain about their parents as well... as they say, the grass is always greener on the other side.

Also, there's a difference between "love" vs how they treat you. To them, being strict is how they express their love.

But I do believe the conservatism factor might be where the biggest problems are.

Personally I've learned to just not argue with my parents. It's way too tiring.

So if they say something I don't agree with, I'll just nod my head, but I'll do it anyway :) making sure they don't find out. And if they do find out, I just preempt them and say, "Wow, I really shouldn't have done that..." kekeke... but then again I don't do anything TOO crazy...

But like lynchmob72 said, I think when you get older (like near your mid-20s) you'll start to see that you're parents are really as strict as you think they are. Nowadays I can't believe what I did as a teen.... sigh....


***

I should add that Asian parents seem to do more than the traditional American parents (I know that's a generalization, but at least when I compare with my friends that's what I see).

For example, my parents paid for my college and grad school, my first car, and even gave me a huge down payment for my condo.

I'm not saying money is the only thing, but it's more like the sacrifice.

Like instead of spending money on themselves for a nice vacation, they put the money in for my education. My parents never spent money for them. It was always for my tutor lessons, piano, violin, sports, etc.
Last edited by jess22 on Oct 22nd, '07, 02:53, edited 1 time in total.

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InTr4nceWeTrust
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Post by InTr4nceWeTrust » Oct 22nd, '07, 02:48

suck it up. be willing to do anything for your family. anything.

edit: you sound 16 or so. like others have said, you will understand when you get older.
ありません

jaded20
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Post by jaded20 » Oct 22nd, '07, 02:56

dude i'm 20 and things don't look like they are going to start looking good anytime now. i go to a university near home <--- biggest mistake of my entire life. i'm gonna grad and get the hell out of this place and fly to the other side of the continent for grad school <-- the only thing that keeps me going ..

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lynchmob72
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Post by lynchmob72 » Oct 22nd, '07, 03:04

When i was in my teens, i totally disrespected my parents wishes. Did what i wanted.... period. What a mistake that was. when i turned 18, my parents moved, and told me i wasn't going with them lol.
Funny thing is, when i was on my own, and in trouble, i found myself falling back on the things they tried to teach me. Back then it just felt like control, now that i am older, i see what they were trying to do.

All i am saying is, i regret not listening to them.After all, they were just trying to prepare me for the real world.And by the way, highschool life is not the "real world".

Edit: or college life.

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Post by InTr4nceWeTrust » Oct 22nd, '07, 03:09

then you have different standards. if you want to "get the hell out" then do it now. what do you do now? go through each day pretending everything is fine? and when you graduate you're gonna move and pretend like you had to?

btw, you sound like a troll. i've never once heard a 20 year old korean female living in (insert state here...i looked up your IP location) use "dude".
ありません

jaded20
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Post by jaded20 » Oct 22nd, '07, 03:24

jess22 wrote:I'm Chinese and yeah, the nagging never stops. However, it's definitely not exclusive to just Asian parents. A lot of my non-Asian friends complain about their parents as well... as they say, the grass is always greener on the other side.

Also, there's a difference between "love" vs how they treat you. To them, being strict is how they express their love.

But I do believe the conservatism factor might be where the biggest problems are.

Personally I've learned to just not argue with my parents. It's way too tiring.

So if they say something I don't agree with, I'll just nod my head, but I'll do it anyway :) making sure they don't find out. And if they do find out, I just preempt them and say, "Wow, I really shouldn't have done that..." kekeke... but then again I don't do anything TOO crazy...

But like lynchmob72 said, I think when you get older (like near your mid-20s) you'll start to see that you're parents are really as strict as you think they are. Nowadays I can't believe what I did as a teen.... sigh....


***

I should add that Asian parents seem to do more than the traditional American parents (I know that's a generalization, but at least when I compare with my friends that's what I see).

For example, my parents paid for my college and grad school, my first car, and even gave me a huge down payment for my condo.

I'm not saying money is the only thing, but it's more like the sacrifice.

Like instead of spending money on themselves for a nice vacation, they put the money in for my education. My parents never spent money for them. It was always for my tutor lessons, piano, violin, sports, etc.
Yeah, besides stuff from loans and financial aid, my parents are funding my education, too, and it feels like they are holding it over my head. Thanks for the comment. Haha, that's what I seem to do, too... I just nod my head and answer in the affirmative, turn around and do what I want to do, all the while hoping I don't get caught so that I just end up looking pathetic instead of the true rebel. I just realized that the more parents want to control their kids, the easier it will be for them to lose their kids and have them slip away forever.

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Post by jaded20 » Oct 22nd, '07, 03:27

lynchmob72 wrote:When i was in my teens, i totally disrespected my parents wishes. Did what i wanted.... period. What a mistake that was. when i turned 18, my parents moved, and told me i wasn't going with them lol.
Funny thing is, when i was on my own, and in trouble, i found myself falling back on the things they tried to teach me. Back then it just felt like control, now that i am older, i see what they were trying to do.

All i am saying is, i regret not listening to them.After all, they were just trying to prepare me for the real world.And by the way, highschool life is not the "real world".

Edit: or college life.
No way... really? I would feel so lost... but then again I bet it would be a wakeup call for me too (which I really seem to need) as it was for you. Thanks for the comment~

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Post by Puppet Princess » Oct 22nd, '07, 04:50

jaded20 I believe your problem is NOT that your parents are Asian but that they are parents.
Anyone who tells you they never argued, disagreed, or resented their parents is a huge liar. Every parent tries to control their child as long as they can because they are trying to protect them. Parents only try to control their children because they know they can't and it scares them because they know the world is vicious and uncaring.

Though you may be 20 you still may not have reached the maturity level needed to understand why parents do what they do. And even when you do understand that, it doesn't stop you from arguing or disagreeing all the time. That's what families... and humans do.

Everyday normal life never really gives you a chance to see just how much your parents love you. Them paying for your schooling and stuff is part of the expression we get to see. They are trying to make sure we are prepared for life and these things make it easier. But a parents love normally goes beyond that. Money is nothing because they are willing to do anything for their child.

I personally "ran away" from home when I graduated at 17. Not because I hated my parents but because I felt suffocated my own circumstances. Though it broke my parents hearts and makes them worry endlessly even today, they let me leave because they knew it was what was best for me after spending 2 years locked up in bed and hospital rooms. But in those two years I got to see the side of my parents most children never get to see. I saw my mother worry to the point where she needed to be hospitalized. They would both sleep for weeks at a time sitting up in chairs so I wouldn't wake up and be alone. They would grant my every wish if it could make me happier for just a moment. I would be an angel to the doctors and nurses and never complain once, but a venomous **** to my mother. I vented all my pain and frustration on her and she would take it all with a smile and never get upset. I could hear terror in their voices when I was in drug commas and they couldn't get me to open my eyes all day (drug commas are where you are conscious but are unable to open your eyes or communicate, they are annoying.) I would hear my mother cry when she thought I was sleeping, and watch my father fiddle with everything in the hospital room becasue he didn't know what else to do. They looked helpless when doctors would tell them they needed to operate again but couldn't unless they gave me another blood transfusion because just simple incisions would be enough blood lose to kill me. And just by looking at them I could tell that if there was any way they could they would trade places with me without a second thought so I wouldn't have to suffer or hurt. And though she would never say it, I know my mother blames it all on herself for not paying attention to me because she was packing for our flight home the night I asked her to play judge in the argument my cousin and I were having. He said I had a temperature, I said it was just hot in the house. Turns out he was right.

None of this stops my mother form calling me to nag or me to get annoyed and wish she would shut up. The difference is now I understand that she's nagging because that's all she has the power to do. It's her worrying and showing me that she loves me.

This is what most good parents are like. If your parents didn't love you they wouldn't nag and would let you do whatever you wanted... then of course you would end up a extremely messed up pregnant crack whore at a freaky young age like some people I know. No lie.

hmmm I feel as if I might have gotten a little carried away there on my bizarre tangent so I'm shutting up now.
Last edited by Puppet Princess on Oct 23rd, '07, 02:30, edited 1 time in total.

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biniBningPunkista
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Post by biniBningPunkista » Oct 22nd, '07, 05:54

lynchmob72 wrote:When i was in my teens, i totally disrespected my parents wishes. Did what i wanted.... period. What a mistake that was. when i turned 18, my parents moved, and told me i wasn't going with them lol.
Funny thing is, when i was on my own, and in trouble, i found myself falling back on the things they tried to teach me. Back then it just felt like control, now that i am older, i see what they were trying to do.

All i am saying is, i regret not listening to them.After all, they were just trying to prepare me for the real world.And by the way, highschool life is not the "real world".

Edit: or college life.

i definitely agree with that. i thought college life would be the start of the real world. or even after the graduation... or even after you find a work.. i think it starts when you are totally on your own.

your parents will NOT be always there... the least you could do is thank them. no matter how they put the things they have done for you over your head. you will look back and thank them.. they may not be perfect. but they are seldom wrong. and the culture and tradition you're saying.. it would separate you from everyone else and me you unique. that would be the one thing that could hold you on to your roots. (if you really love your roots) sometimes. being different is good and obeying doesn't hurt.

if the nagging really gets into you... lock your room, watch some dvd's or listen to music. hype up. jump around till you are tired.. let it pass. when you're calm enough, face the wind head on :D the best way to deal with things is to do it with a clear head.

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Post by AboutDrama » Oct 22nd, '07, 08:49

jaded20 wrote:
dude i'm 20 and things don't look like they are going to start looking good anytime now. i go to a university near home <--- biggest mistake of my entire life. i'm gonna grad and get the hell out of this place and fly to the other side of the continent for grad school <-- the only thing that keeps me going ..
I think I kinda understand but not sure if I'm right. You want to experience things in life not restricted. To experience everything, failure, screw ups, and success and learn to be independent. The problem is your Parents are overprotective of you and restrict you not to simply do things that they considered wrong and you might make a mistake.

You may need to change the way you speak and act and show you're really matured. But you also have to realize that no matter how old are you, your parents will always see you as a kid.
Last edited by AboutDrama on Oct 22nd, '07, 08:50, edited 1 time in total.

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Post by Noale » Oct 22nd, '07, 08:50

It depends on how crazy your mother truly is. And in order for us to know that you could perhaps give us a few more examples. Are you really not allowed to disagree with her on anything and discuss certain topics, even if you use the right words and tone? Does she, for example, never let you go out to the movies with a couple of friends? Does she forbid you to date? If that's the case than I agree your parents are too strict and conservative. But if it's not, the problem might also be solved by treating your parents with respect, instead of calling them crazy, and by talking things out with them on a mature level and earning their trust. Perhaps they restrict you from so many things, because you haven't earned their trust yet and haven't showed that you might be able to handle such things.
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Post by Crazy Penguin » Oct 22nd, '07, 18:32

What is this "asian-american" you're talking about? For me, they're all American. This PC "Asian-american", "afro-american", "whatever-american" is a load of bull. BTW, why isn't it applied to white Americans? Where are the... italo-germanic-irish-americans? Nope, they are called... "white".

There's only one type of American: the American.
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Post by Noale » Oct 22nd, '07, 21:49

Crazy Penguin wrote:What is this "asian-american" you're talking about? For me, they're all American. This PC "Asian-american", "afro-american", "whatever-american" is a load of bull. BTW, why isn't it applied to white Americans? Where are the... italo-germanic-irish-americans? Nope, they are called... "white".

There's only one type of American: the American.
I don't see what's wrong with calling yourself an "asian-american". If you're originally from Asia and moved to America, I can very well understand that you'd like to call yourself that way, because you're also part of this Asian culture that you came from and you're proud of it. So why not be both? Being "asian-american" or "african-american" does not make you any less American. Neither does it make you a greater or more interesting or unique person.
Why it isn't applied to white Americans, I do not know, but if there are Americans originally from Europe who like to call themselves "european-american", they ought to be free to do so.
Follow your feet and you will not get lost :thumright:

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Post by knuts » Oct 22nd, '07, 22:40

it probably won't help whatever people say to you now. It is maybe something everybody has to go through. Kinda stupid, because we keep making the same mistake, but maybe that is life. You do what you think you should do now and one day you will look back and think: "yeah...my mother/parents was/were right about that...and that...and that..."

My mother said things of which I was absolutely sure that it was crap at the time. Now I think she was right. But other things are still BS...lol.

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meviet
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Post by meviet » Oct 23rd, '07, 02:06

well, for me, i used to think my parents are the most difficult people to deal with, and they're good at making their kid's life miserable. my friends always ask me if i have to listen to everything they say, and i felt awkward (yes, i meant embarrassed) saying yes. but without those scolding and yelling, i couldn't have survived my years in high school at all, where you can get influenced easily by other kids. and now think about it, it's more like my friends' parents didn't care enough for them, not my parents being too strict.
ALSO, as you said, you're the first Asian American generation. so, that means your parents have worked hard for years just so you can have a happy life (no need to go deeper into this right?). therefore, they would not let your limited knowledge ruins everything they have prepared for. and they don't want you to face the same problems as they did.
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jess22
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Post by jess22 » Oct 24th, '07, 02:01

Puppet Princess wrote:I personally "ran away" from home when I graduated at 17. Not because I hated my parents but because I felt suffocated my own circumstances. Though it broke my parents hearts and makes them worry endlessly even today, they let me leave because they knew it was what was best for me after spending 2 years locked up in bed and hospital rooms....
Wow! That's quite an experience Puppet Princess! Thank you for sharing it with us :)


Crazy Penguin wrote:What is this "asian-american" you're talking about? For me, they're all American. This PC "Asian-american", "afro-american", "whatever-american" is a load of bull. BTW, why isn't it applied to white Americans? Where are the... italo-germanic-irish-americans? Nope, they are called... "white".

There's only one type of American: the American.
Yeah, I agree with Noale. I don't think it's any more PC, it's just more descriptive. And for the record, I do know people who call themselves Irish American, Italian American, etc. (Most of them are 2nd gen immigrants).

But the main issue is that right now, we're sort of forced to use this label. Let me put it this way, whenever I tell a fellow "American" that I'm also an American, their next question is, "No, I mean where are you really from." or "Where are your parents from."

jaded20
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Post by jaded20 » Oct 25th, '07, 06:00

I am not always like this... not always so angry. At least not on the outside. Anyone can pass me by on the streets and not notice that I am screaming and dying inside. This reminds me of a classmate who I thought was another regular happy kid when I was proven wrong the day I saw him in the school's clinic crying and asking the nurse for medicine to treat his depression.
Ahhhh, the beauty of anonymity in cyber-world.
People are telling me different things... they either tell me to deal with life's injustices and ride it out or to listen to no one but what my heart is telling me. Somehow the first solution seems to be more realistic than the second, and the second sounds more romantic and idealistic. But once you relinquish your control of your own fate, are you even human? What are you then? Corny, huh?
By the way, I didn't mean to offend anyone by starting this thread. I was just being blunt about my situation. Yeah, it doesn't really matter what you guys say to me now because in the end I still feel what I feel, if that makes any sense.

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Post by biniBningPunkista » Oct 25th, '07, 06:08


yeah.. the decision making is up to you in the end..

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Post by yoda smgee » Dec 8th, '07, 17:56

I'm a first generation Asian-American as well. Laotian and Vietnamese...two completely different ways of caring for a child from what I've observed from my parents. Laotian side is very, very caring and the Viet side is super strict.

I've argued plenty with my parents, especially with my dad now. Heck my dad and I have come close to fist fighting a few times (only when I'm defending my hot-headed little brother). During normal arguments, I keep my cool and talk eye to eye. I make my parents see and accept my point of view so they know that their's isn't the only one. I went to U.T.I. (Universal Technical Institute) against my parents' wishes and moved 100+ miles away from them. They couldn't convince me otherwise and I didn't feel that I had the focus necessary to excel in a university, although I got accepted. I've completely disappointed my dad because none of the kids have gone to a university yet. I figure that if I can make a decent living as a tech, I can go to a university in the future and pay for it myself because my parents have given me more than enough. I take the advice my parent's give me into consideration and I make the ultimate decision. The older I got, the more I've tried to fit into my dad's small size 7 shoes and tried decipher what he was trying to relay to me.

I don't know how it is with other Asian families but between my Viet side, there's always been an "education battle" to see who's kid was smartest. My sister and I were always at the top of our game but we didn't go to a university. Our parents are afraid that we won't be able to live a comfortable life in the future. The more I think about what they're trying to tell me, the more it ends up with having a comfortable life.

Did I just go severely off tangent? There must be a point somewhere in there that relates to the OP's question but I don't even know what I wrote anymore. Haha.

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Post by Ply » Dec 9th, '07, 22:20

My parents have always been pretty much exactly how I would want them to be. Both of them are extremely progressive by "asian american" standards and with the exception of my longish hair, never really nag me (and that's only my dad really). They set high expectations for me but I always end up fulfilling them. The only real downside I see is that I don't really feel that large of an attachment to them. I go to college in a state that's far away and only see them once or twice a year.

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Post by ackirom » Dec 11th, '07, 01:50

First Generations are people who were born in another country and moved here to the U.S., as adults. Second Generations are kids or people, who are born (here in the U.S.) to parents who are First Generations.

That said, first and second generations will naturally have a tendency to clash. Both were born and raised in two different places with different values, so the cultural gap is expected. Disagreements between the two are inevitable and only understanding of each other can really resolve this issue. I have first generation parents so of course, I completely understand how you feel. It's suffocating because you're torn between two cultures. You don't know whether to follow what you believe, or obey your parents wishes. 20 years old is still not old enough really understand the breadth of this issue. But you can learn from discussions of history. This isn't something new. If you've ever taken Asian-American history, you'd know that this was a prominent reason for the rift between the issei and the nissei during WWII.

EDIT: Forgot to add, but after learning and reading about that, I've tried to understand my parents more and, luckily, my father, who loves to read, has also read much of the same things I read so he's become a little more flexible on some stuff. :-)

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