advice needed from ppl who have been/are in a relationship!

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hisa
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advice needed from ppl who have been/are in a relationship!

Post by hisa » Jan 4th, '07, 04:24

Yeah, I know this is probably pretty sad to have to do this in the first place...and really embarressing, but I need advice...and don't really know who to ask, so I came here ^^;

I'm in my first relationship, it's been about...a month now, we got off for winter break about 2 weeks ago and haven't seen each other since. I'm a really really shy, quiet person...esp around him, I get nervous and have trouble expressing myself, so I worry he's just going to get bored of me if he hasn't already or he thinks I"m just someone to toy around with for a while..I don't know. I don't call him everyday...not even every other day mostly because I feel like I'd bother him if I do...how bad is that? When he calls we don't really talk for that long. He knows I'm the really quiet, shy type...but even so, I'd like to be able to be like a normal couple that talk a lot and hang out a lot yknow? Also, he's only older than my by 2-3 years but I feel like a kid compared to him. But sometimes I wonder if it is just me that's the problem. He's just seems the type that wants to be perfect and has this wall around him, SO I left him a mesaage about how I feel like there's a wall between us and I'd like to be able to talk to him more about a lot of things...but he hasn't responded or even txt'd any sort of response or greeting in the past two days. Am I worrying too much???? Ha...I know I'm such an inexperienced dork...but any advice is welcomed. =)

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Post by AboutDrama » Jan 4th, '07, 12:00

Before I give my opinion or advice, I have some questions for you. If you can give me more info, it'll be helpful...
1)Did you know him before the relationship started? How long have you know him?
2)You mentioned that your relationship has been 1 month, am I correct?
3)Does your BF like to chat a lot? Or like to tell you things such as what happen today, or about him?
4)When you say “He's just seems the type that wants to be perfect..,” what do you mean? Can you give some examples?
5) Has he have a GF before? I mean "Are you his first GF"?


You can choose NOT to answer any of the above questions if you feel uncomfortable. I just want to know if he's also shy or other possibilities.

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Post by nikochanr3 » Jan 4th, '07, 13:44

aboutdrama is right, more info is good....

not talking at all is not a good sign, but maybe you just aren't close enough yet. not all couples talk all the time. Usually things start hotter and fizze to normal (normal is not bad!) so if you don't talk already that might not be a very good sign. i wouldnt NOT call on purpose to just to not bother him, if you feel like calling, call. ive never been annoyed at gf's who called a lot as long as they had a reason. they ones who annoyed me were the ones who either wouldnt get off the phone if i was busy (or were annoyed by it) or who called to check what i was doing (big no no). if you feel like saying hi, do so!
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Post by irwinc » Jan 4th, '07, 14:01

I think he's seeing someone else...

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Post by javinian » Jan 4th, '07, 14:04

I have a dumb but important question:

you guys had sex already or not?

I don't want to sound harsh, but it has some importance since it's real life.

Id like to know whether you guys have asian backgrounds or not, it might help, knowing that.

Sounds like you guys havent had much dates nor sex... anyway, just thinking from the guy's point of view...

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Post by bugsie » Jan 4th, '07, 14:07

@irwinc lol, it's funny but I really think it's possible too.
Confused? Go FAQ yourself!








Last edited by bugsie on Thu Jun 18, 2006 12:00 am; edited 998 times in total

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Post by hisa » Jan 4th, '07, 14:37

Haha, I'm already uncomfortable asking this stuff in the first place, but eh, not like anyone knows me here in real life (at least I hope ^^;)

@AboutDrama:

1.) Yeah. Not that long...hung out with him n a bunch of friends for about 1-2 weeks before the relationship
2.)yup
3.) He's the big talker type...yeah. I noticed mostly in person though...
4.) Hmm...like I think he's always trying to impress me or something, so he doesn't want me to see any faults? I don't know, the constant 'im amazing, like me' deal kind of annoys me though.
5.) Yeah, quite a few...but really long relationships.

@javinian:
...uhm, no we have not done that.
As for asian backgrounds I'm part asian and he's white.

mmm...he claims to be really honest, so I doubt the possibilty of him seeing someone else...plus I just don't think he's that type.

Thanks for the input so far~~

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Post by javinian » Jan 4th, '07, 14:56

hisa wrote:Haha, I'm already uncomfortable asking this stuff in the first place, but eh, not like anyone knows me here in real life (at least I hope ^^;)

@AboutDrama:

1.) Yeah. Not that long...hung out with him n a bunch of friends for about 1-2 weeks before the relationship
2.)yup
3.) He's the big talker type...yeah. I noticed mostly in person though...
4.) Hmm...like I think he's always trying to impress me or something, so he doesn't want me to see any faults? I don't know, the constant 'im amazing, like me' deal kind of annoys me though.
5.) Yeah, quite a few...but really long relationships.

@javinian:
...uhm, no we have not done that.
As for asian backgrounds I'm part asian and he's white.

mmm...he claims to be really honest, so I doubt the possibilty of him seeing someone else...plus I just don't think he's that type.

Thanks for the input so far~~
We can't really guess what he's thinking, but let's try and guess what he might have been expecting from you. Going out with a shy asian girl... sounds cute at first glance, but over a month, he might want to get to know you better... you guys are a couple, don't be strangers to each others..

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Post by iceberri » Jan 4th, '07, 16:55

I would give it some time before you jump to any conclusions. If you've only been in a relationship for a month and you've spent two of those four weeks away from each other, yeah, it's going to be a little trying. Personally, I think knowing someone 1-2 weeks before you date each other is a little hurried and I probably would have spent the time getting to know him over break as a friend (so you know it's not just physical) before dating him. As it is however, what's done has been done. I wouldn't freak out yet and tell him that you feel there's a wall with him... he perhaps hasn't responded because he feels you're being a bit clingy after only a month together. I don't know him so I can't postulate what his thought processes are, but that's just my guess and my understanding of men.

Instead, I would probably just make an effort to spend some time with him when you get back... and I mean having long chats, figuring out what type of person he is, etc. before the more physical progresses. Even heck, try boardgames. They're fun, somewhat childish, but you can learn a lot about a person based on how he reacts to things & what he says. I know that before my boyfriend and I got together last year (around this time too!) he used to visit me and we'd stay up until 5 or 6 am just talking in my room. During winter break, we spent every night talking either online or over the phone for an hour or two... Because of that, we learned that not only were we extremely compatible with each other, but we could communicate well with each other (how else do you sustain nightly 5 hour conversations? lol) - something that's very important in a healthy relationship.

Hope what I've said has given you a little insight! I haven't had a lot of experience with relationships (since high school relationships hardly counted for me... parents didn't allow me to date so nothing ever progressed.) but I have had some success with the one I'm currently in.

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Post by hisa » Jan 4th, '07, 17:39

Thanks guys...

iceberri: hah, I figured it was hurried...><; felt a bit overwhelming.
I couldn't help but cringe when you mentioned 'clingy'...I hope I never become that way...ugh
your input makes sense though....I think I'll try the board games, haha ^^;

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Post by AboutDrama » Jan 4th, '07, 20:31

Hisa wrote:
@AboutDrama:
1.) Yeah. Not that long...hung out with him n a bunch of friends for about 1-2 weeks before the relationship
2.)yup
3.) He's the big talker type...yeah. I noticed mostly in person though...
4.) Hmm...like I think he's always trying to impress me or something, so he doesn't want me to see any faults? I don't know, the constant 'im amazing, like me' deal kind of annoys me though.
5.) Yeah, quite a few...but really long relationships.


Thanks for answering my questions. Now looking back the questions, seem to me he has experiences in relationship. If he’s a big talker type and he is always trying to impress you a lot, this means, sorry to say, he hasn’t understand you and trying to figure out how to “talk” to you. You’re at fault too for letting this happen; I can’t blame you because you’re inexperience too. I agree with iceberri. Just give some time and talk. Really talk (openly) to each other.

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Post by cool_drama » Jan 4th, '07, 20:45

To second iceberri about her understanding of men:
I had a girlfriend who was being pretty clingy; she would call me everyday and we would end up talking for about 3-4 hours...but after a few weeks of calling me everyday, I got really tired and i told my mom to pick up and say that i was busy or not home..Lol...yup it's the sad truth that men tend to avoid girls that are clingy... :goggle:
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Post by iceberri » Jan 4th, '07, 21:08

cool_drama wrote:To second iceberri about her understanding of men:
I had a girlfriend who was being pretty clingy; she would call me everyday and we would end up talking for about 3-4 hours...but after a few weeks of calling me everyday, I got really tired and i told my mom to pick up and say that i was busy or not home..Lol...yup it's the sad truth that men tend to avoid girls that are clingy... :goggle:
Ah yes, I forgot to mention that it is always important to be aware of how a guy responds to you. If he's feigning interest or is starting to look bored, know when to stop talking!! If you are doing 95% of the talking and he's left saying the "uh huhs," "oh cool." or "that's interesting." that's not what I'm talking about when referring to meaningful conversations. That's important to file away for your own information. If conversation and communication is important to you and you recognize that your boyfriend does not share your interests (nor is he willing to listen to them at all), then that's a problem.

Of course, this is not to say that you should have the exact same interests as your boyfriend... that would be pretty boring, I predict. :lol But the tone of the conversation is totally different when you genuinely want to know more about someone or you're willing to learn more about the other person's interests/activities. For example, I found out my boyfriend is a total basketball nut, so I went to a Nets/Suns game with him. Now I'm a Nets fan and we watch NBA highlights together. And last time, he wanted to attend an opera & a Broadway show with me. In the end, we both managed to have fun; I certainly never saw myself as a basketball fan a year ago!

I didn't mean to call you clingy in any way, btw. I definitely sympathize and understand where you're coming from, especially since it's a fledgling relationship. But I was merely trying to put myself in your boyfriend's shoes, when you mentioned that he hasn't responded to what you said.

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Post by xbabygmonsterx » Jan 5th, '07, 05:35

hey. haha. I'm kinda like iceberri with my boyfriend. we only knew each other for about a month before we started dating(I know that sounds kind of rushed), butttttt we talked to each other every night basically until like 3 or 4 (school nights included hahhaa I'm not sure how I functioned with only like 3 hours of sleep a night... **for like the whole year hahaahah**) anyway. off topic. So before we started to date, we really got to know each other pretty darn well and even considered each other best friends. I guess it kind of helped because the two of us are just REALLY talkative in genral, but I think anyone can have a talkative side to them if you know what the thing to talk about is. I know that you're shy, so how about trying to do a few double dates? or just go out with a group of friends? And I'd personally say... don't let your first dates be like to the movies. That setting alone might feel pressuring for you guys. Going out to dinner is nice or like iceberri said BOARD GAMES! whoever invented board games is a genius! hahaha. Or card games, or getting into a group a friends and playing Charades (sp? lol). something like that. Something that's fun--something that you'd do with your friends(besides maybe shopping) that you can just be yourself. Something that you guys can do that involves interaction or talking. This may sound a little daring since you're the shy type, but after a few more dates you should talk about some stuff that not too many people know about haha. Like... I remember spending a whole entire night talking to my boyfriend about like embarassing moments and stuff. I dunno, maybe you should save that for later haha. If he's trying to be "mister perfect" then he might not agree hahaha. but just a suggestion. It'd help break down a lot of walls and barriers.

BUTTT
yeah I know there are always but's huh -_-
I kind of rambled on about me and my boyfriend and based it off of my experiences and stuff. About half the guys I know are really talkative and about half the guys are pretty quiet. Some guys like girls that talk, others don't. Maybe if you have a few friends that are his friends, you could talk to them about him and ask for advice or ask to help you with a few problems (I assume they'd know the situation better than we do). I don't really know. I just kind of rambled on and on -_- haha sorry if I actually even confused you more -_-;;;
so anyway good luck. oh and if you happen to look at my age and figure that I'm too young to know about anything, my boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over two years and we seem to be having a good time. *shrugs* I dunno haha.
anyway, goodluck hisa. :) I hope things work out between you two!
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Post by hisa » Jan 6th, '07, 01:55

Thanks a lot AboutDrama, iceberri, nikochanr3, xbabygmonsterx, cool_drama, javinian!! Reading all of your opinions actually made me feel a lot better about the whole situation. :lol

Yeah, so I'll be aware of his responses and definately put more effort in talking openly...and def play board games ^^; Thanks!

So...yeah, I'm actually really regretting mentioning the 'wall' thing..I was in a wierd mood, and like 'AboutDrama' said he probably hasn't figured out how to talk to me and I'm not making it any easier by being my quiet self...so that probably made him frustrated or something...I dunno.

But I actually talked to one of my friends the other day (who happens to be friends with my bf too) and he gave me a good smack in the face. He told me that I need to loosen up and talk more because it makes other people uncomfortable since it makes them feel like they're dominating the conversation. Yeah, so my main social problem is basically what my relationship problem is...I wonder if my bf told him...>> yeaahhh...I talk very easily online and around people I've known for a long time...but I have the tendency to freeze up around people I haven't known for that long/just met and apparently it makes them uncomfortable...which is understandable. It just didn't really hit me until now...b/c Im so used to being quiet. I guess I just thought the whole 'you like me, I like you' deal would make talking easier somehow...haha, dumb assumption.
So that's my New Year's resolution: Talk More.

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Post by Karo » Jan 7th, '07, 15:13

You sound so much like me... ^^ I'm a quiet and shy person myself and this gives me a lot of trouble getting close to people, cause they just end up thinkng that it's pretty hard to talk to me and try to avoid me. Though... it's getting better a bit lately... ^^ I work hard every day...

I have to say... I met my ex-boyfriend online, which made it easy to talk about a lot of things. We went to the same school and he tried to talk to me... but even then I was so shy, couldn't say more than 'yes' or 'no'. Later he said, that he was really tired because of this. Also, when we talked a lot more, he still said that I talk too less. Although we were talking for hours. I just realized some time ago... that maybe our relationship ended, because I wasn't talking as much as he wanted me to... We were together for 5 years, but in the end, we failed.

Hmm... I don't really know what advice to give you... ^^ Since you didn't know eachother for long... Try to get to know... Don't force yourself to talk. Forcing yourself, telling yourself "I need to say something" will give you a lot of pressure. And this means, you can't enjoy the time you have with your boyfriend and you can't be yourself.
I know that from my own experience. ^^
Maybe... try to tell him somehow that you have trouble to talk... This could help a little too. He'll understand you a little bit better. Tell him what you feel, when you try to say something. I know it's hard... I did that too and needed ages to tell him. My ex-boyfriend didn't really understand, but then he knew that this was hard on me as well.

And you know... we made a little question-answer game... ^^
You ask him a question... Something like. Is there something you really regret in your life and what is it?... or... what are you afraid of?
Your boyfriend answers you and asks you a question in return... So you have been asked something and it's easier to talk, since there is a reason to say something. And you get to know more about your boyfriend too. And he feels like you are really interested in him... ^^

Hehe... I don't know if this will help. Just be patient with him. ^^ And trust him... since you mentioned that he has been in longer relationships before, I don't really think he'd just give up.
And tell him somehow that you regret this 'wall' thing (since you really do so). ^^ Maybe he was hurt, because he was trying to talk to you... I don't know him hough... So I can only make a guess. ^^

I hope everything will work out... ^u^ Good luck!

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Post by hisa » Jan 7th, '07, 22:15

haha, thanks! It's comforting to know I"m not the only one with this problem ^^;
I find it especially harder to talk around those type of people who are loud and love to talk a lot...which is exactly the type my bf is.
The question-answer game sounds like a good idea ^^...and yeah I plan to tell him to try to forget I mentioned that 'wall' comment...><;
Haha, let's both try our best!! fighting!!

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Post by aNToK » Jan 8th, '07, 09:34

Hmmm......

I'm my lady's 3rd (and last...) boyfriend, and she was as shy and quiet as could be when we met. (of course, the language barrier may have had a little to do with that...)

Though she's a bit older, I was quite a bit more, uh, experienced, so there are a few parallels you could draw from it. One thing to be learned is that it's OK to let someone know you're vulnerable a bit. Does he know he's your first boyfriend? Just play it out something like, "You know, I really like you, but I'm totally inexperienced with the whole guy-girl thing, so I really don't know what I'm doing just yet. Maybe that's why I'm a little nervous and insecure around you, so have a little patience with me and let's just relax and be open and have fun getting to know each other, ok?"

Never know what'll happen. My example's kind of weird, but I've always been a bit fast, whereas my lady's always been slow and careful. Met her on October 27th, 1995, moved in together Dec 8 that year, asked her to marry me on January 13th (I think), and 2 weeks later, found out that she was pregnant from the first time we made love. Somebody up there trying to tell us something? Don't know, but almost 11 years later, she's still my snuggle-bunny and we're enjoying every minute of our time together and watching our son grow. Time for rugrat #2? Sometime this year, methinks...
I am not obsessed. I am just very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very focussed...

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Post by mimmi » Jan 8th, '07, 10:38

@ aNtok: Boy aNTok you sure do moved fast!!! like the saying goes: You want it, you go after it, and you take it!!!....ok, there's nothing wrong with that, but that's for those with confidence, but not for the shy ones.... and congratulations to you and your lady and to your on-coming #2 :-)....

@ hisa: hey, just try not to be so shy :-)....

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Post by nikochanr3 » Jan 8th, '07, 14:16

you just need to see how people act and go with it, i guess. things change as you get to know each other better too, me and my wife were e-friends for a while and my wife was more forward than i was, but that was over email. when we got together, she was so shy! :lol a BIT of a shock...i had to pull back real quick. but things worked out....

:-) basically, this should be the most fun time, just getting to know each other and seeing everything for the first time, so whatever you do, dont make it a project, make it fun. things will work out.
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Post by Karo » Jan 8th, '07, 15:35

hisa wrote:haha, thanks! It's comforting to know I"m not the only one with this problem ^^;
I find it especially harder to talk around those type of people who are loud and love to talk a lot...which is exactly the type my bf is.
The question-answer game sounds like a good idea ^^...and yeah I plan to tell him to try to forget I mentioned that 'wall' comment...><;
Haha, let's both try our best!! fighting!!
Fighting!!!! ^^ We'll make it!!! ^^
This loud people are really hard... My ex-boyfriend says a lot then I think... 'erm, he said so many things at once... What should I say? I can't really think of anything'... ^^ And I end up saying 'yeah'... XD Haha... This is bad. And, whenever I want to say something, I can't because he wants to finish his speech... O.o Don't know if t's the same for you... :whistling:

This question-answer game worked well for me. ^^ We made this some times... And every time it was easier for me to ask a question and to answer it. You get to know eachother and you start to get rid of your own wall around yourself... This 'I don't know what to say'-wall. This stupid wall is in my mind and making me depressed sometimes. ^^ It's stupid actually to not talk a lot... Cause... everyone talks and lots of people say weird things... But still it's impossible for me.

Now... for my next boyfriend... I want to talk more... XD Haha... :lol
Aja!!! Fighting! XD

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Post by hisa » Jan 8th, '07, 23:04

@ aNToK: Haha, awww, congrats to you guys and your possible rugrat #2!
Yeah, that's one thing that scares me about relationships--being vulnerable...but that's just how it is when you like someone I guess. And yeah, he knows he's my first bf. To be honest, when he first kissed me I kept on laughing (well, he started doing those wierd 'kissy game' things) and then he asked me why. Then I told him it was my first time doing it and he was like 'woah...you should have told me that earlier.' So I think he must understand how it is...at least I assume. I think bc he's way more experienced he might get impatient and bored of me of something...I dunno.
@mimmi: Yeahhhh, that's my ultimate goal. Maybe I'll grow out of it, I dunno.
@nikochanr3: I hope so!
Haha, I wonder if it's a common thing that people who are real shy and quiet in real life are a lot more forward over the internet. I'm sure if i met someone online first they'd be shocked the same way you were if we ever met. It's great that things worked out between you two though. =)
@Karo: lol, we are very alike in this 'wall' aspect...a lot of people DO say wierd, stupid, random things, and aren't afriad of saying it...maybe we're a little too self conscious? ^^;
Yup, yup, I get the same situations as you with my boyfriend saying a whole bunch of things and me ending up not knowing what to say by the time he's finished. AND I seem to want to say something but he's saying something and so I can't. By the time he's done I've either forgotten what I wanted to say or I've lost the desire to say it...OR there just wasn't any more point to saying it.
But anyhow, let's take other's advice on this board and not make it a project and have fun!! It's more natural that way...haha, we quiet ones need to have more fun =)

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Post by nikochanr3 » Jan 9th, '07, 17:53

yeah, hisa it makes perfect sense to me AFTER the fact that she was more shy but i was surprised at the time. :lol her friend came to pick me up with her and she was terrified when her friend left. i was like OMG... :crazy: what do i do? but it passed....
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Post by hisa » Jan 17th, '07, 03:32

:lol hahaha, that's cute niko!

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Post by MatsuJunlover » Jan 21st, '07, 01:40

Yeah don't call them everyday...and well never assume the worst. I used to do that and well I look back on it now and think. "It all makes sense...."

You don't have to be a big talker, and well I'm horrid at expressing myself too...but what you do is you find a way that you can express yourself. I'm great at writing...so when I want to let someone know how I feel, I write it down in words.

Perhaps you like to bake...well bake him something like cookies..but don't get carried away.

Also don't force being in a relationship on the person...if they want to be in a relationship, they'll bring it up. Just enjoy it for what it is and wait for it to blossom into something more. If the person really likes you...they'll like you enough to want to be in a relationship.

Be careful when asking friends for advice too...don't ask for advice on anything you might not want getting back to your boyfriend!

Find things the two of you are both interested in, it'll give you things to talk about. But keep in mind it's good to have things that you're interested in and that he's not and the same for him. Like I tell my boyfriends when we start dating..."I like to have things that you're not interested in, that I like..." Like my past boyfriends weren't big Japanese movie geeks...which is cool, because it's something that I have...and something I can do when we weren't together.

I'm shy around people too...don't feel bad...I'm good at talking...but when it comes to boyfriends...I'm like "OMG what do I say?"

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