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SINGLES RANTING THREAD (Dating Advice)

The real life drama forum. Discuss your relationships or get to know the other members here.
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Xi@h
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Post by Xi@h » Dec 27th, '05, 05:27

So much fighting over trivial matters. Well, I can't say that no one should change or shouldn't change. But let me tell you something, I've gone through this and changing you to suit a girl won't work out really. You'll only just hurt yourself in the process. The girl will only take it for granted and would you to change completely and what if you can't change completely? You'll find yourself lost and most of all, you'll lose your own identity. So beware before talking about change to suit a girl.

If you're talking to play a little around her to get her, then you might be wrong too. The girl would thought you're a player but infact your not. Let say she agree to date you as from now and how about you? You can't be a player all your life towards the girl you love the most. You would like to stop and what if when you stop the girl doesn't like you anymore because infact, it was not even yourself? Once again that would really hurt you. Geez seem I'm talking like a parrot because those are the words I was telling Valcun.

Remember, if you're not a player by nature, don't act like a player. It will only be worst later when the girl finds out you're not a player. Both of you will get hurt because the relationshop started with some what may say a lie. Let it be more dramatic, the girl may hate you for the rest of her life. Do you really want that to happen? Sure, you can play with any girl that interest you, but one question is, would you play with the girl that you love most and would you play with her in such a way she'll get hurt in the near future?

I hope that you understand what I'm talking about. Three cheers and just my 2 cents.. ick..!!

Mythrel.. oni-chan.. I thought there would be a hot pursuit.. Coward and you want to be a COP?? Come and get me Dk-san!!!! :P

Jules.. I don't know if it will be okay for the clubbing yet.. laid back.. I guess that's the only solution. Heh I heard you snoring again when you're having your daily nap :P

Pwner buddy.. huh.. I'm on aim.. you're the one that is not :P

Valcun.. ahum.. keep it going buddy!! Heh that torrent you told me is 13GB!!!
Last edited by Xi@h on Dec 27th, '05, 05:52, edited 1 time in total.

pankanshe
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Post by pankanshe » Dec 27th, '05, 05:45

I hate girls who play hard to get. You have to try so hard to talk to her and stuff... TT

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Post by slippyepic » Dec 27th, '05, 06:32

I hate girls who play hard to get. You have to try so hard to talk to her and stuff...
Fair enough. But, likewise, girls hate guys who have nothing interesting to say and only talk about themselves. As it goes, guys drink to be able to talk to girls. And girls drink to put up with guys who drink. :)

I think the generalization goes something like . . .
1) Men wish women wouldn't change them. The stereotype goes that a man falls out of love, particularly during marraige, because she isn't "the woman I fell in love with." Why can't she be "a good wife", "a good mother", "a good lover", etc.?

2) Women wished men would accept that they change, and it isn't a deception. The stereotype goes that women fall for "bad boys" or "players" because they want to change them. Why can't he "take responsibility", "share more of the workload", "think about what I want to do", "get better friends", etc?

Of course, neither is completely true for either gender. But when a long-term relationship falls apart, you'll see the same patterns from both sides. The guy complains that she made a mess of his life. The woman complains that he was living in the past or didn't want to make compromises or didn't "grow" with her. They see the same problem differently.
So, while I think guys have to learn to change, compromise, and so on, as part of a loving relationship, I also think women should accept men for who they are and not try to build their entire emotional well-being around their boyfriend or spouse. It goes both ways, and there's at least two sides to every relationship. Sometimes, it's a difference of language.
i wonder what therapist would behave and comment about our behaviors, maybe just people like us in general.
Long set of thoughts . . .
FWIW, a lot of my observations between men and women is just generic pop psychology and Cliff Notes you'd pick up in a gender studies class. In our society, our woman who was sexually or romantically aggressive was viewed as a "slut." But that has changed a bit, and now shows like Sex in the City, books like "The Rules" and "Men are from Mars . . .", and net/blog culture in general help mainstream the ideas that feminism espoused. Stuff like empowerment, role-play, nebulousness of identity, the grammar of relationships, etc. Or to put it another way, you never hear advice about women "being themselves"; rather, they're encouraged to explore their identity while "keeping it real" when it comes to communication and interaction.

To me, it's fascinating. When I was 18, I was all about "being me", "being real" and "being myself." Then after making more straight female friends and a few gay male friends, I was just really fascinated with how they could adapt to different kinds of people, interact in all sorts of different ways, and yet remain true to themselves. And I've always been a sucker for romance dramas/movies/novels and soap operas. I realized it was because, all during that time I was being me, I wasn't including anybody else in that equation. And when I thought I was changing to make relationships work, I really wasn't changing, and that was when I was losing myself in the process.

The idea of "being a player" to me is completely limiting, because it presumes social aptitude is a binary opposition based on casual sex as intention. The nice guy/player dialectic is a product of the chauvinistic moires that romance inplants in young men and women. That is, a man who is very skilled at social interaction with women is a "player" and obviously wants only sex. A man who is not skilled at social interaction with women is "a nice guy" and only wants a meaningful relationship. The truth is, there is no direct relationship whatsoever. Many socially inept guys are really horny. Many socially popular, flirtacious guys only want intimate relationships. Somehow listening and catering to subtext and emotional messages is empowering for a woman, but is deceitful for men.

But, then, in our society, because men still goes with that oversimplistic, either/or mindset, you have horny nice guys who truly believe a girl would like them for what they are . . . and then when they actually go into a relationship, they turn into sex crazy, chauvinistic, stubborn bastards. Likewise, you have socially skilled "players" who truly believe that sex is the most important aspect of a relationship, and just listlessly jump from relationship to relationship without realizing *they're* the problem, not the women.

So, let's put it another way. What really matters is matching your intention with your methods. If you truly want a meaningful relationship, you can't be deceitful, selfish, or self-centered. And you have to accept responsibility for your flaws, compromise, and change for the better. But if you're looking for just casual sex and are not in a place to do the heavy lifting in a relationship, don't seek out women with the presumption that you're wanting a real relationship. OR, if you're looking for just a way to avoid problems or insecurities in your life, you really don't want to start a proper relationship. If you try, you're going to resent them and blame the bejezus out of them for faults that begin with you.

You can't convince a guy who only wants sex that he wants a deeper relationship. And you can't convince a guy who only wants a deep relationship that he just wants sex. But once a guy switches teams, he has to make sure he knows it, knows what that means, and is following the right path. Having higher emotional intelligence is probably going to help you a lot more than just sitting there on your white horse and posturing to a woman why she should love you.

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splur
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Post by splur » Dec 27th, '05, 07:59

@epic - Read back a couple posts, and you said that eye contact is really important? Crap... I miss that thing my whole life? I can't keep eye contact for more than 5 seconds with anyone, not even with family. I guess I'll have to work on that. Anyways, you learn this stuff from a course or are you just really observant? I definately didn't pick up on alot of stuff you said from life. I saw Gender Studies, but just to make sure.

Also, let's say I already know the girl from before but she moved, would starting a long distance relationship be a terrible idea? I already know that having one is bad enough, but starting one? I smell disaster.

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Post by slippyepic » Dec 27th, '05, 09:29

Yeah, eye contact is the most important thing. It's not just rule #2 (behind rule #1 -- shower ;) ) of Dating 101, but it's also pretty high up there in Work 101. (Although if you're in the Middle East, eye contact can be considered rather rude.) A person can completely subscribe to Mythriel's Be Yourself school of dating and do pretty great with even strangers if they just are able to make and mantain eye contact with the other person. When people talk about being confident, this is really what they mean.

Explanation is here . . .
When you're making eye contact with somebody -- that is, focus on just one of her eyes -- it's actually much easier to get feedback and read body language. When you focus on a very small space (say just one of the eyes), you allow your peripheral vision to take over in picking up fluctuations in body movement. This is the most natural state in which the mind works when conversing with somebody, and it lets you concentrate on her and what you want to say.

Many people, in trying to look at somebody, basically try to see "the whole person" or "the whole face" while talking. This is bad, because it defocuses your vision and forces you to consciously look at various points -- eyes, mouth, hands, and yes chest -- in order to pick up body language. That in turn makes conversation suddenly very difficult, because now your brain is multitasking between holding a conversation (which is hard with a stranger) and looking for feedback.

Eventually, what happens is that you then completely avert your eyes. You look down or away. But, now, you have absolutely no feedback of body language whatsoever, and so now, you're letting your mouth run hoping for a verbal callback from her.

A person who is "shy with people" can be described as someone who wants to avoid the mental stress when conversing with strangers and acquaintances. But, that also describes "outgoing" people too. Both types of people want to make contact with the person with as little mental stress as possible. The difference is that the former reduces stress by looking away, and the latter reduces stress by correctly making eye contact and letting their peripheral vision give them feedback.

Men tend to be more shy in this respect than woman due to culture.

We men are raised in a competitive, self-centric culture and therefore we associate eye contact with being judged. We avoid eye contact because we hate being judged. Likewise, we find it much easier to make eye contact with younger and people of lower rank, because social status creates a heirarchal cushion whereby the flow of power has already been delineated. We men can be pretty shy about interacting with women, because again we're afraid of being judged for our appearance, manners, etc.

Women are raised in a cooperative culture and use eye contact in order to recieve and give feedback. They tend to score higher in emotional intelligence tests, because they practice teamwork a lot more than we do, and because they use their peripheral vision quite a bit more than we do. When you're not making eye contact, you're literally not working with them. You're not picking up her body language signals; you're not properly sending them back either. You're not really cooperating in a dating situation and don't realize you're really being judged by how well you work with her, not about how you look to her.

Thus, when you've really made eye contact with her, you've already begun to engage that person. You've already begun to create a connection. You'll find that the other person is easier to talk to, and often you don't even have to think about what to say next, because you're getting plenty of body language feedback from the other person without the mental stress. And you know you won't be looking at her boobs either.
Also, let's say I already know the girl from before but she moved, would starting a long distance relationship be a terrible idea? I already know that having one is bad enough, but starting one? I smell disaster.
Long distance relationships are hard. Really hard. If it's with somebody you don't really know, how would you know if you two were in a "real" relationship? On the other hand, if you feel that strongly about her, then really work toward the level of commitment, honesty, and trust that LD relationships need to work.

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Ohsu
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Post by Ohsu » Dec 27th, '05, 12:22

TRUTH:

Dave Chapelle: I hear women say this all the time...that Chivalry is dead. Don't you women feel that way? Like men aren't gentlemen anymore?
Chapelle: That's right. Chivalry is dead. Because WOMEN KILLED IT.
Chapelle: Our tests in life are different. A woman's test in life is material things. A man's test in life is a woman. Now by test I mean are the things we desire.
Chapelle: Men have nice cars. Not cuz they like nice cars, because they know WOMEN like nice cars.
Chapelle: You go to a woman's house, and their house be comfortable as ****. Women love comfortable surroundings.
Chapelle: Let me tell you something, if a man can f*** a woman in a cardboard box, he wouldn't have to buy a house.
Chapelle: But that's still not when chivalry got killed. Chivalry got killed by the femminist movement on them magazines that got women going crazy.
Chapelle: Because women got too much advice ABOUT men from other women.
Chapelle: And they don't know what the f*** they're talking about.

And I really doubt that "getting out of the bay-boy phase" theory. Why would a woman go for a "nice guy," when they never kept her panties moist as a "bad-boy did?

Eye-contact does not matter when they look at your face and simply get disinterested. if physical attraction isn't there, then nothing else will be.

And to women who say personality is all that matters and looks don't...get outta here! :cussing:

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Post by pwner4once » Dec 27th, '05, 15:02

personally i have some weird experience with eye contact too. when i was in high school, there is this girl who got a big eye. everytime i talk to her, it felt as if my soul is being draw toward her. kidna weird. but that's what it feels like. also ... epic is a good writer :D

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Post by pwner4once » Dec 28th, '05, 03:30

hm... so everybody is quiet today. well if so, i am just going to talk about my life today. I got up this morning and I forgot i had a dental appointment at 8:00am. so i rushed through and got in my car cast enough to get there on time. during the course, my stomache kinda quit on me. so i felt like crap the whole way. Got there around 8:00, did the paper work and ready to get my teeth cleaned. that's when all the bad drama start happening. first they had to check for any bad teeth. so the x-ray pretty much killed me since i gag alot when they put the bite splastic thing. after shopping and picking up clothes, got really hungry and drove home. on the way, i ran two red lights. almost ran a red light 'cuz u the freaking light was so dime. I thought it wasn't working. so i took it as a stop sign. meh that wasn't funny. so to summarize my whole day today. it's pretty crappy. nevertheless, pretty adventueous for me XD

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Post by slippyepic » Dec 28th, '05, 05:24

I'm rich biotch!!! Damn I love Chapelle. :D
And I really doubt that "getting out of the bay-boy phase" theory. Why would a woman go for a "nice guy," when they never kept her panties moist as a "bad-boy did?
Ever went out with a divorcee? They see through everything, mate. :D

I'm ambivalent about the women and money thing, because inevitably the discussion goes into the club scene, especially the aZn club scene, which IS kind of a bling-bling meat market. But, social common sense says that "like attracts like." If you want to date a model, it would sure help if you looked the part too. A girl with many degrees probably will be more attracted to a guy with similar accomplishment. It's partly human nature and partly how class influences society. I don't have a problem with that, personally; it drives me crazy when a guy who doesn't shave, doesn't work out, doesn't try to expand their interests, complains that they're lonely.

Your physical appearance is a book of messages that you send out to a woman. If you're tall and/or fit, it implies you are strong and possibly virile. If you're well-groomed and have nice clothes, it implies that you take care of yourself and your home environment. If you're also fashionable, you're sending out cultural messages. If you wear jewelry or accessories, you demonstrate both financial well-being and also a point of focus (i.e. the cleavage of a man) where you feel most attractive or most "skilled." But, in most situations, it's just enough to be reasonably well-groomed, clean cut, and have nice clothes. It's generic, sure, but that's actually good. If you're not sending out too many messages from how you look, then a girl will evaluate you by how well you get along with her, and whether she enjoys spending time with you.

Right now, you have very limited control over your social standing. And, there's a temptation to either work really hard at becoming something you're not, or to become utterly complacement, so that you don't even bother. If you're flashing expensive jewelry or nice car, you gotta understand that you're also implying that you have a lot of money, and that may cause issues with deceit and false expectations in the future.

The other thing is, though there's certainly a lot of anthropological evidence to explain why women (especially Asian American girls) are brought up to evaluate a man's financial potential, a lot of it still comes down to message.

Generally (and this is very big generalization because it's actually much less true as women get some of that power for themselves through their 30s and 40s), women are attracted to men who demonstrate power. This can be manifest in a guy with a muscular body, expensive clothes or high social status/popularity, charismatic that can sieze the attention of the room (this is where the bad boy thing comes from), or an endless bank account. The "verb" of power is control, and so what this means is that, in a given social interaction, you are able to make it your own with that person. There's an entire school of thought that goes into this; people who subscribe to this theory believe that what they do belies all of the psychology associated with the "rich guy", "bad boy", etc. Therefore, they can be themselves and be very attractive to a very high percentage of the female population.

That all being said, I just don't feel the money thing, even the "I want to look like Brad Pitt" is that relevant until after college. Yes, it comes up here and there -- do you pay for the girl's meal/date? what kind of gift do you buy your girlfriend? etc.
everytime i talk to her, it felt as if my soul is being draw toward her.
Yup. Romantic chemistry is mostly about body language. When two people feel very close to each other, or at least if you feel very comfortable with her, you automatically have no problem with eye contact, sitting close to her, maybe initiating physical contact, and so on. Your eyes will also dilate a bit. This physical state of comfort and intimacy mirrors what you, as a child, had with your mother. It's part of why falling in love is like being in dream, even a "return to cradle" sense of peace and joy.

In our society, women with larger eyes are considered more attractive, because the signals they send out with their eyes will be much stronger. To many men, it is easier to draw feedback from such eyes and get into an intimate, pleasurable interaction with said person. And not just eyes, but then we're also talking about an "open face" (a person who can easily show their emotions and thoughts through their face) and "closed face." In Asian culture, an open face (i.e. Zhao Wei) is considered the ideal. In European culture, the closed face tends to be more popular.
the way, i ran two red lights. almost ran a red light 'cuz u the freaking light was so dime. I thought it wasn't working. so i took it as a stop sign
I really hate this particularly intersection that I cross when going to work. It such a long red light and a short green light, that during rush hour, a line of cars can go back half a mile. Meaning, when that thing is green, you naturally want to test the yellow so that you don't have wait another bloody 3 minutes. So, what's the problem? It has a red-light camera sensor. Thus, rather than fixing the original problem by reclocking the lights, the city decided "hey, we can make $$$$ off road rage!"

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Post by kotaeshiranaihito » Dec 28th, '05, 05:35

I heard dave chappelle is finally doing the third season of chappelle's show. :D

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Post by slippyepic » Dec 28th, '05, 06:48

Yes they deserve to die and I hope they burn in hell! Drink muthafu*ka! :D

I think Comedy Central is just planning to release the skits that they finished for the 3rd season. Roughly half a season's worth. I just don't see Chapelle returning to his show. I heard the notoriety was ruining his standup act, because random audience guys who shout out they were Rick James, bit*h.

Plus, I heard he converted to Islam. Louis Farrakhan, biotch! :D

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Post by Ohsu » Dec 28th, '05, 11:50

Well, a friend's girlfriend who is a psychologist major, says 80-90% of women go for "The ones with the most resources."

I find that totally believeable. Anyone else?

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Post by surrealistic-destiny » Dec 28th, '05, 13:54

Ohsu wrote:Well, a friend's girlfriend who is a psychologist major, says 80-90% of women go for "The ones with the most resources."

I find that totally believeable. Anyone else?
this may sound stupid..but it depends on what resources right?

eye contact? serious? i find a bit unsettling at the same time =___=;;

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Post by splur » Dec 28th, '05, 18:44

So, I managed to ask her out to the movies. But I'm not sure if she got the right idea. I asked, but never made it clear that it was a date. So she might think it's just a friends thing. Is there an actual way of changing this situation for the better? Or should I just forget about it and play along?

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Post by Mythrel » Dec 28th, '05, 19:18

LOL women aren't stupid, if you are giving her all your attention or flirting or showing any signs you like her she probably gets it. Just go with it and see how it goes. Like I forget are you guys like just friends as it is? Like do you do otherstuff together? I couldn't even find the post where you explained this stuff lol sorry.

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Post by slippyepic » Dec 28th, '05, 20:07

Well, a friend's girlfriend who is a psychologist major, says 80-90% of women go for "The ones with the most resources."
this may sound stupid..but it depends on what resources right?
It's true, but it also due to interpretation. Just as it's true that the #1 thing for men is physical attraction, that too is often due to interpretation.
Also, there's a circular argument -- and again, this is just one school of thought -- that goes on here. Men do various things in order to feel casual-confident around women. Women sense that casual-confidence and associate it with a person who may be more mature, higher financial or social standing. Young guys, eager to demonstrate their worth to girls, advertise themselves and become overbearing, if not obnoxious. They mistake casual-confidence with its caricature, "drunk frat boy." Girls then gravitate toward more secure, more self-aware (i.e. older) guys who by default will be more financially stable. It perpetuates itself.

Now, none of this applies if you were actually dating a woman purely for sex and she was dating you purely for your money. But, then, you would already know this and it wouldn't be romance. That doesn't apply here, but it's certainly part of the clubbing scene if you wish to partake.
So, I managed to ask her out to the movies. But I'm not sure if she got the right idea. I asked, but never made it clear that it was a date. So she might think it's just a friends thing. Is there an actual way of changing this situation for the better? Or should I just forget about it and play along?
You're doing fine. The advantage to movies is that it's a low pressure date, and it gives you something to talk about with her afterwards. The disadvantage to movies is that you can't really interact with her during the movie. Contrary to every sitcom you've seen, don't put on any moves on her during the movie.

Now, I assume you plan to eat somewhere with her afterwards. Ideally, I would just walk with her to that restaurant. If there is an arcade or something, I would probably go there with her first before going to eat. Driving in a car to the restaurant is not such a great thing for a first date, because you necessitate a period of uncomfortable silence and non-eyecontact when you do that.

Anyway, the important thing is, right after the movies, just start engaging her. Obviously, talk about the movie first and then go onto more general subjects. Ask her how her Christmas has been. Ideally, before you actually get to the restaurant, you two are reasonably comfortable with each other and that she seems comfortable chatting with you. Smiling while you're talking as well as making eye contact will help.

At the restaurant, choose a booth and sit besides her. This will enable you to initiate some light physical contact. I don't mean touching her hand or anything so forward. I mean, bumping your shoulder against hers, your arm against her arm, and so on. Also, it lets you share food, which is always really nice.

Initiating physical contact is what actually establishes a situation as romantic. By sitting besides her (which wouldn't be done in a friends situation) instead of face-to-face, it's much, much easier to start this casually. It'll make you both feel more comfortable with each other. Eventually, during the dinner, you want to initiate physical contact more often. And again, nothing that would be inappropriate or out of your or her comfort level; we're talking just touching each other hands, shoulders, arms, the feet at times bumping up closer. Heck, play a little footsie with her and see if she plays back. Whatever. It's more about frequency of contact rather what you actually do. And, of course, keep having a conversation with her.

When the date is over, give her a hug. If the date really tanked, give her instead a handshake. And if she was laughing a lot during the date, kiss her on the cheek.

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Post by pankanshe » Dec 28th, '05, 23:55

I've been told a lot that girls like guys who pursue them. Kinda rough on the guy... having to do everything or making the first step all the time. I think I'm going through this stage at the moment... Any advices or idea?

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Post by slippyepic » Dec 29th, '05, 00:55

It's usually up to the guy to take the initiative. A girl who's already interested in the person may send out big-time signals, but it's rare (though more common these days) for a girl to outright ask the guy out or declare out loud that they like them.

That being said, it's actually guys who fall in love with "the chase" and mistake it for amorous feelings. Most of what is called "the game", or the "falling in love with falling in love" really is speaking from that. Plus, there's a very likely possibility that, the longer you pursue a person, the more disappointed you will be if she actually wants a relationship with you. The relationship may never be as exciting as the chase.

The *general* rule is that you should take the initiative and, if romance is your intention, work toward a romantic relationship with the person. BUT, don't chase after them; it's not good for your self-esteem and it's not good for developing realistic expectations with somebody.

If you're already pursuing somebody, you should probably ask her out as soon as the situation becomes favorable. And you should work toward making that situation favorable as quickly as possible. If you sense that she's just not that into you, then let her go. No amount of suffering on your part will "prove" to her that you're "worthy" for her. Just the same, your chances are actually better the quicker you're able to establish a quality connection with her, so that you can ask her out.

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splur
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Post by splur » Dec 29th, '05, 01:22

Forget it, I've given up.

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Post by pankanshe » Dec 30th, '05, 01:56

Another question, for the girls... long does it usually take for a girl to get over a guy they like?

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Post by jeng » Dec 30th, '05, 06:26

pankanshe wrote:Another question, for the girls... long does it usually take for a girl to get over a guy they like?
it depends on how long the girls' liked them. for me, it took a year and a half, but i liked him for nearly two years...it depends on how the girl looks at the situation too. you'll usually get different stories about it. but i hated the experience. this is why i'll never believe in love again. :argue:

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Post by kotaeshiranaihito » Dec 30th, '05, 06:29

I never believed in love to being with.

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Post by slippyepic » Dec 30th, '05, 06:37

Getting over somebody is like detoxification. All of the joy becomes poison; all of the memories tempts you for another hit, and then the come-down. It feels a little bit like death.

But it slowly drains away, and maybe then you can enjoy the memories you've had with that person. My rule of thumb is that it can be as high as twice the length you've really been close to the person. So, if you were dating somebody for 6 months, it could take you 12 months to completely get over that person. (Though that shouldn't stop you from seeing other people.)

But it seems that we guys take longer to get over the relationship. And, honestly, I would say 90% of the twenty-something guys I personally know, who "play the field" so to speak, are coming out of a long relationship. Most players are disappointed romantics who vow never to give up that much control over something so whimsically brutal as a serious relationship gone wrong.

At least for me, I've learned to accept that no moment, no secret, no anything you share with someone is so exclusive that the same person may share it with somebody else. They will get over you; they will find happiness with somebody else; they may forget you eventually except during the odd times through the year when the seasons shift and random bits of "oh, I remember when . . . " amusement juggle in your head. But, then, so will you. Such is life, which has no endings but one.

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Post by kotaeshiranaihito » Dec 30th, '05, 17:45

It took me less than a month to get over someone I was with for 3 months and it didn't feel like death or poison. But I did feel down a lot.

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Post by splur » Dec 30th, '05, 18:48

It depends on how close you were with the person and how sensitive you are. Going out with someone for a long time, let's say more than a year, and not going out with the person you love are very much alike. But one is losing a love, while the other, you hold regret for a long time.

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Post by Mythrel » Dec 30th, '05, 20:48

I think pankanshe might have been refering to how long a girl will generally like a guy before they move on and look for another person to like. (like crush... I think.. who knows maybe you guys even answered that and I didn't notice :lol)

Getting over a relationship is varied from one person to the other. Some people can blame the other person soley and believe that is justified and move on. It all depends on the person and their personality. My last girlfriend that I broke up with years ago I still have or had feelings for her. Haven't talked to her in years but I miss what I let slip away. I am over her, but not 100% I guess. There will always be a feeling there weither it be hurt,anger,mistrust ect.. So maybe we don't totally get over someone we just chose what to feel for them.. I also think Jeng you shouldn't deny yourself of something because of a guy who left a bad image in your mind. Not everyguy is going to treat you wrong or give you bad memorys. There are jerks out there that can't be avoided, but try and see the silver lining. I don't know much about what happened or know you, but it sucks to hear that :( Hopefully your next experience will not be like the last.

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Post by slippyepic » Dec 30th, '05, 23:20

It took me less than a month to get over someone I was with for 3 months and it didn't feel like death or poison. But I did feel down a lot.
There's a lot of variation between people and of course situations. For example, two of my relationships . . .
During high school and first year in college, I was in love with my best friend. Or to put it another way, the first person I shared all the things that are involved with first love, I shared with the one other person -- male or female -- that I trusted the most, outside of family.

When that on-and-off again relationship ended, which went on for roughly 3 years, it probably took me the rest of college and maybe the first year after that, to really get over her. I thought about going to my high school reunion, cos I still wonder how she is doing and all that. She's married (I met her husband a few years ago and was even formally invited to their marraige ceremony) and probably is a mother now. I associate my high school years with her, since most of my happy high school experiences were with her.

But that didn't stop me from liking other people and seeing people. About 3-4 months after that ended, I went out with another person and that went on for about 3 months. That relationship ended really badly; where it wasn't so much my heart that got hurt, but my pride. (Heh, she was a real . . . . :D ) Well, I got over *that* relationship pretty quickly. Maybe a month, and even then, it was that slow due to me seeing her all the time around the dorms.
And so it goes. I think two things outside of the relationship influence how quickly you're able to move on -->

1) Do you have friends with whom you can just WHIIINNNEEE your brains out for the first month? I mean, friends who will let you be a total emo-boy and dominate your cell phone as they go through all of the stages (shock, denial, anger, bargain, acceptance.) Friends who know never to talk about your temporary state of insanity after you've moved on and wore out their patience.

2) How good are you at dating? In other words, after you've cleared most of the debris, how willing are you to go back onto "the scene" and meet other women? It doesn't matter whether you're interested in a proper relationship, rebound relationship, casual sex, or just another pillow to cry your brains out. Regardless of your intention, can you and will you meet other women?

So, guys, rent Swingers and learn. :D
There are jerks out there that can't be avoided, but try and see the silver lining. I don't know much about what happened or know you, but it sucks to hear that
I'm going to sound like a traitor to my gender, and impart this golden rule. The best thing a girl can do to avoid bad guys and bad relationships is to listen to her girlfriends. Your girlfriends are usually right. If a girl starts thinking "oh he really isn't like that, you just don't understand him!", she's getting set up for a big, big fall. It's really tempting to rebel against the sisterhood and prove them wrong, but the truth is, that's also how most relationships are allowed to turn seriously bad. She's fallen in love with Mr. Abuse, not Mr. Nice Guy.

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Post by kotaeshiranaihito » Dec 30th, '05, 23:34

It's not betraying our gender, I actually agree with you on that one.

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Post by Mythrel » Dec 31st, '05, 00:52

ya how is that betraying us lol :blink If anyone of any gender can spot a jerk why not tell her. Its the right thing to do lol.

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Post by slippyepic » Dec 31st, '05, 01:56

Well, it's part of the "boyfriend vs. girlfriend's best friend + social circle" drama. Ever been in a situation where her girlfriends start telling her every single thing that's wrong with you, and then their advice affects the relationship? Ever been in a situation where her best friend and you are basically fighting over her? It's like an initiation process.
Social behaviour is also different between women and their female friends, and men and their guy friends. Long spheel to follow . . .
Women generally like to seek approval of their guy with their social circle, and it's sort of their intention to include the relationship into their social gestalt. Therefore, when her best friend doesn't like him, it sets up a competitive situation, or a power struggle. A lot of players take advantage of said situation and will try alienating her from her friend. When this happens, that is when a malovolent player can do the most damage. Generally, the older the female, the more apt they are to heed the advice of their best friend and trust their judgement. Therefore, it's much harder for a player to game an older woman because the Mr. Abuse tactics will backfire. But, it also means that, when you ask a girl out, it's *very* intimidating to break into the girl's social circle. That is why guys use wingmen; it is a way to isolate the girl from her pack, so that her friend's collective thinktank doesn't influence her opinion of you when you're initially courting her.

Guys aren't like this per se, because men tend to compartmentalize their friendships and relationships with people. That is, you have your "school friends", your "coworkers", your "family", and "your girlfriend." If they intermix fine, great, because it means that you can switch between the different groups without issues. But, if the girl and the guy's best friend hate each other, there isn't the same competitive situation. The guy isn't seeking validation from his guy friends; therefore, he'll eventually isolate his guy friends from his girlfriend, so that he has peace of mind. If they fight, he just accepts "well, my friends don't like my girlfriend. Oh well."

It's understood among guys that dating is essentially a solitary, non-inclusive endeavour. That is, figurative speaking, men go that scary place where women live and either come back empty or with somebody. Men, therefore, spend most of the time trading pointers, so that they have more success in their relationship. And that is why about 80% of what men talk about in regards to relationships is how to get the girl. The 20% of what men talk about is when the girl is threatening the boundaries which the man has created for himself. That is, does the girl accept her place in the man's life? Whereas 80% of what women talk about in regards to relationships is whether and how to keep the guy. And the 20% is whether the relationships reflects the lifestyle or life choices which the girl and her friends are living. That is, does the guy want to improve her life or ruin it?

Therefore, the adage that "a woman really should listen to her friends" translates into "guy has to win over the girl and her friends in order to be "right" for the girl." Most guys go "bullcrap. I don't care what her friends think." Well, of course you don't; you're a guy and guy rules don't apply here. Whereas the converse statement of "a man really should listen to his mates" translates to "a guy should not let the girl dictate his social life." Most girls go "well, I should be more important than his stupid friends!" Well, of course, you think that way; you're a girl who wants to bring the man back to your nest. Similar words, very different messages.

The make-female platonic friendship is the 3rd type. This one has the most leeway because neither set of communication styles completely fits. The great advantage to this type is the level of honesty that can be shared. The great disadvantage is that both genders can misinterpret what the other is saying or observing. Therefore if you ask a girl what women want, you gotta translate what she really means into, erm, "guy-think." And if a girl asks you what men are thinking, you probably should go out of their way to put yourself in her situation and describe how her emotions are being affected by the relationship or the guy.
If you have a female friend and you spot a jerk, the way to go is to leverage her friends over him. Who really cares about you? If you're a woman and your guy friend is seeing Ms. Evil, the way to go is to show him how exactly she's taking over his life. How is she manipulating you?

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Post by Mythrel » Dec 31st, '05, 02:06

It all depends on if their intent is in her best intrest. If they are telling her all his faults to be rude is one thing but if they are correct its another. It all depends really, I have been in a situation like that but it was more of her friend not wanting to let her go. Like she felt I was taking her best friend away. So sometimes its just being selfish or protective. If its for all the right reason though and not a jealousy thing then I don't see a problem with it. You are saving them from a world they don't need to see or should ever see like an abusive relationship. If they are your friend you should try to protect them and be honest, just not overprotective. The only problem is friendships break up over stuff like this even if it is in their best intrest.

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Post by slippyepic » Dec 31st, '05, 02:20

It all depends really, I have been in a situation like that but it was more of her friend not wanting to let her go. Like she felt I was taking her best friend away.
One person I was dating had a kinda evil best friend. Basically, if the best friend had no guy, she (person I was dating) could have no guy. I think she kinda knew that too, but they had gone so far back and was deeply attached to her friend and their circle.

A friend of mine dated her before I did. He got into a classic standoff with the best friend and her social circle. Now, he was correct in his accusations about her best friend and their circle; and basically, she agreed that she really did deserve better friends. But, because he wouldn't budge and her best friend kept on getting into her head, she was constantly having to choose. She eventually broke up with him and chose her friends.

Later, when I dated her, because I really cared about her, I tried to smoothen out the conflicts instead of making it either/or. I basically told her, "your friends kinda suck. but, if we don't work out, it's your friends that will be there for you." Her friend still saw me as adversary, but I didn't want her to choose and give her best friend the power. And, so, during the relationship, her best friend had very little influence over our relationship.

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Post by kotaeshiranaihito » Dec 31st, '05, 06:44

You know what I meant.

She should listen to her friend if her friend truly believes that she is in trouble (or will get into trouble), same thing for guys. Obviously if a friend simply doesn't like him/her for whatever reason, the person should take their friend's advice into consideration but ultimately decide for themselves whether the person they're dating is the right person for them.

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Post by Ohsu » Jan 1st, '06, 02:16

I'll ask you guys this question.

What is the opposite of love?

hint: It's not the first thing that comes up in your head.

ps. The circle of friends "approving" the guy is utterly nonsense. I've seen that happen to many times to my friends and the girls go out with bastards when they could of gone out with a better person...but in the end...it always depends on resources/looks.

Guys don't always go for looks. Girls don't always also, but that whole circle approving thing just ruins that defense.

Take me for instance. I LOVE girl who wear glasses. That's right. Glasses. Braces are cute to me for some reason as well. It is well known that the "more beautiful people" don't have glasses/braces on them.

But damn, I sure do love them!

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Post by pwner4once » Jan 1st, '06, 04:06

Ohsu wrote:I'll ask you guys this question.

What is the opposite of love?

hint: It's not the first thing that comes up in your head.

ps. The circle of friends "approving" the guy is utterly nonsense. I've seen that happen to many times to my friends and the girls go out with bastards when they could of gone out with a better person...but in the end...it always depends on resources/looks.

Guys don't always go for looks. Girls don't always also, but that whole circle approving thing just ruins that defense.

Take me for instance. I LOVE girl who wear glasses. That's right. Glasses. Braces are cute to me for some reason as well. It is well known that the "more beautiful people" don't have glasses/braces on them.

But damn, I sure do love them!
;O
i guess your point of view about girls with braces are pretty coherent to your avatar. Anyways, I say hatred is the opposite of love. Although these two median is too close to each other to differ at times. It's just how people say about crazy and smart people. Just a little differences and one can alter to the other. Therefore The real opposite of love is love itself in a mutant way. As for girl's attribute, I guess i'll go with skinny girls. Even if they don't have any stuff( you noe wat i mean). To me, faces are more important than physical attribute. I mean... gosh how old are we? When you grow up, you don't just look at sometimes and scream " you got a hot package" or something alike. You say she has a good personality with a pretty look. hm... i guess tha's all i gotta say

Happy New Year gals and guys!! XD

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Post by Ohsu » Jan 1st, '06, 07:52

pwner4once wrote:
Ohsu wrote:I'll ask you guys this question.

What is the opposite of love?

hint: It's not the first thing that comes up in your head.

ps. The circle of friends "approving" the guy is utterly nonsense. I've seen that happen to many times to my friends and the girls go out with bastards when they could of gone out with a better person...but in the end...it always depends on resources/looks.

Guys don't always go for looks. Girls don't always also, but that whole circle approving thing just ruins that defense.

Take me for instance. I LOVE girl who wear glasses. That's right. Glasses. Braces are cute to me for some reason as well. It is well known that the "more beautiful people" don't have glasses/braces on them.

But damn, I sure do love them!
;O
i guess your point of view about girls with braces are pretty coherent to your avatar. Anyways, I say hatred is the opposite of love. Although these two median is too close to each other to differ at times. It's just how people say about crazy and smart people. Just a little differences and one can alter to the other. Therefore The real opposite of love is love itself in a mutant way. As for girl's attribute, I guess i'll go with skinny girls. Even if they don't have any stuff( you noe wat i mean). To me, faces are more important than physical attribute. I mean... gosh how old are we? When you grow up, you don't just look at sometimes and scream " you got a hot package" or something alike. You say she has a good personality with a pretty look. hm... i guess tha's all i gotta say

Happy New Year gals and guys!! XD
...Yeah...my avatar means I care about boobs... NOT BECAUSE I LIKE FAMILY GUY A LOT! HURHURHURHURHURKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKE!!!!oneoneoneon1!!11!!1 Even when I think large breasts are pretty nasty.

And no. Opposite of love is indifference. If you hate someone, you still think about them, when you hear their name, you cringe and wish they're dead, yada yada yada, etc etc.

When you're indifferent to them, you don't even care for them at all/think about them. They get married? "Great, have a nice life and a wonderful family." You hate them? "Man wtf who would want to marry that fool lalalalala omg i hope he/she dies!!!"

And people who are around 20, even 30 still go "Wow you got a hot bod/nice pakage!" Age won't mean a thing when physical attraction is always wanted.

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Post by pwner4once » Jan 1st, '06, 17:45

lol i totally agree with you about physical attraction. I always thought physical stuff is just too irrelevant to love as tires to a car ( not sure that's a good analoy or not). but i guess as we grow up older, it's becoming an issue. However, i think it's only like this in US or more Western countries. They are more influenced by such notion, e.g. rated PG-13 movies. As people or even shows in Korea barely shows any skin in movies. Therefore only goes for the look, not the hot body. I do think more pureness will be obtained if physical attribute wasn't considered in the relationship.

about family guy... lol i didn't even recognize that since i don't watch it :-( :O :lol
I do think huge boobs are gross... well iono. i guess the majority is always the "normal" standard.

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Post by ruthii9 » Jan 2nd, '06, 03:56

I'm a terrible person, really. Reading through these last pages have made me think. But I've never been into a relationship ever before, and I'm starting to think that I never will be mainly because of my fear for men. Is that weird? It's almost like have split personalities. I'm fine with them only as friends, and when they know that the current relationship speaks friendship in every possible way. But when the other party begins to think otherwise, I panic. I'm not afraid of rejection, I'm just afraid of the prospect of 'love' in my life. I really don't know what to do. And most of the time in the end, I begin to have terrible feelings towards these poor guys. I know fully well that they have done nothing wrong. I am in the wrong every single bit, I know that, but it's almost as though I can't control my actions. Then I begin to do all that I could to make them hate me, because hating me would be better than liking me, right?

The reason why I say this is because I still haven't gotten over a bad trauma when I was a child. And it's hurting my relationships with my guy friends, and I completely adore them for themselves and their ideas, etc. That's why I need help. Right now...I'm beginning to think that only I, myself can change myself. sigh. But I have made effort, and looking back, they were ultimately weird. WEIRD. LIke...I try to say something to make it weird, and then when it comes out, it's abrupt and high pitched, very cold sounding, like nobuta saying "AKIRA" for the first time in Nobuta Wo Produce....hahaha.

But I do want a strong relationship with a guy...in the future, with love. I really don't care if he's poor, has defects, hated in society. But I don't wish him to be entirely silent...like those guys who go " well I once had,..uh...had uh..had.....*silence*" all the time...it's difficult for me because I don't know how to respond. I know for sure because there's this guy I was fond of and I could not, no matter how hard I try, speak a full conversation with him because of his stupid ideas ...which also lead to his ability to not speak.... I do want to love, and I'm searching...a little, but the guys around me are immature, caring for themselves, egotistic. And my guy friends, I can't...they're like my brothers.

But of couse that isn't the real problem, it begins with me, huh?

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Post by kotaeshiranaihito » Jan 2nd, '06, 04:02

what was the trauma and how long ago was it?

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Post by ruthii9 » Jan 2nd, '06, 04:09

Someone I knew very well as a kid, and someone I had respected, who touched me and sexually used me to release his tensions. I was a child then...6 or 7. It's the first time I've wrote this...but no one knows me here, so it's all right.

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Post by kotaeshiranaihito » Jan 2nd, '06, 04:16

And when you get close to guys what do you feel? Do you feel the same way you felt when your were 6? Is it fear? anger?

Also I heard self defense classes help people who were overpowered and traumatized when they were young.

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Post by ruthii9 » Jan 2nd, '06, 04:25

hmm. depends on what "close" defines. I've gotten over it enough to have friendships. For some reason, whenever I muse about it, I've begun to believe that this had changed my way of thinking. Afterward, I always thought that because my uncle went after me was because I was a girl and easy to do what he wanted to do, but furthermore, that all men are like this, as in thoughts more sexually orientated with than women. So I always tried to do the opposite, to make myself less 'desirable,' to be hated, and I'm guessing that this kind of..continued, even now. ^_^*. All I feel is more of fear though, and awkward...uncomfortable, wanting to run away and ask myself why do they feel like that? What did I do to invoke such feeling?

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Post by Ohsu » Jan 2nd, '06, 04:41

I don't know if this is post will be offensive to you or not, but this is what I see in the post and some thoughts. I doubt it's offensive, but I'll hide it anyway.
Mm...this is such a bad trauma; but you decide to share it on a board with random people? I don't know whether to say you're super brave or completely out of your mind...that's some crazy stuff.

And yes, you and only you can change yourself. You can't rely on others or depend on others for changing yourself...accepting faults and doing what you'll say and think will of course change you.

God I hope you're not an Emo...please don't be >_>

If it's one of the things I hate most in the world...are emos...esp. the ones on Myspace and LJ/Xanga...they threaten so much to kill themselves, but they can't even do it, give excuses, then get mad at the people who prove that they can't and blame them for "wanting them to do it" so they know "more people hate them" to the list, and continue to whine and blame others for their own problems. They can't even do it right either...you don't cut across your wrist, it's up the arm.

"It's not across the block, it's down the street." -4chan /b/ Random board. :lol:
I don't know the other hide function...only see spoiler x_x;[/spoiler][/code]

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Post by ruthii9 » Jan 2nd, '06, 04:47

I almost had a severe breakdown thinking to death...hahahahah! but no! no no...I'm not emo, not at all! ZEN ZEN. DOn't worry...I really do dislike that ambiguous word "emo" it's almost loserish...emo pictures are fun..but no, I'm not emo, I'm just me. heh.

And I certainly wouldn't want to kill myself. It's a stupid idea...and stupider to think of it.
ANd besides, like I said, the only reason why I wrote all this, because no one knows me here, so it's all right, because lately, it's been troubling me, and there's no one I can speak to, no one meaning friend or family. if that ever happened...I have no idea how to handle the chaos. But thanks...and you're right...it depends on me to choose to change. Extra effort huh? When Nobuta finally says his name correctly...haha.

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Post by kotaeshiranaihito » Jan 2nd, '06, 05:57

well, like he said above, you are the one that has to make the decision: "is this who I want to be for the rest of my life?" And remember a girl peaks at around 27, just because it's easy for you to get guys now, doesn't mean it will be easy later.

It's good that you're not an emo, because I honestly do not and probably will not feel sorry for you. Why? because you have control over your situation. It seems that you're just too scared to take that control. I always believed that fear is an excuse for stupidity because unless it is justified (something that is actually dangerous like going to a dangerous neighborhood). But unjustified fear that prevents a person from taking control of their life (afraid of going to the gym because you are afraid of what people will think of you when they lift 500 tons and you can only lift 35 pounds) is just in reality stupidity. I never give these kinds of people sympathy, because although they may feel bad any sympathy will make them believe their fear/reason is justified, when in reality it is not.

Apparently you understand what's going on and the consequences, all you really need is a good kick in the ass. So, go out there and try. You can do it at a pace, but make sure you actually do it. You don't have to necessarilly have sex with anyone, but at least try kissing a guy at some point. Also do something to improve your self esteem, like take self defense classes, or go to the gym more. It will make you feel stronger and help take out any aggression and anger.

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Post by Mythrel » Jan 2nd, '06, 20:46

Hey ruthii9, its a shame you ever had to experience something like that. Its a shame anyone has to go through tramatic stuff like that. Don't be so hard on yourself. You can't change what happened only try and deal with it. I know it isn't an easy to thing, not that I have been through anything like that but its something very dark and scary. You don't want to things to get to far cause you fear where they will lead. You have to trust a guy, give him that bit of faith. You could always start by telling someone you are close to about what happened. You don't have to and don't if you do not feel comfertable doing it but you shouldn't suffer alone. Don't feel you will never be able to make someone happy, or be able to love them you have to give it a chance first and see. At least you know what you were doing that was driving them away. As long as you are concious of what you are doing you can change that the next time. You are not a terrible person you are just going through something that you shouldn't have ever had to go through. When that guy walks into your life and you can truely feel comfertable with him go from there. Hell if immature girls were going for me I think I'd panic too XD So don't sweat it. If you are not truely ready for a relationship then you shouldn't force yourself into one. If you really are then look for someone you can trust and feel comfertable around. You have good reason to be cautious with men, there is some real evil in this world. Just don't let that fear control you where you can never be happy because that would be a shame.

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Post by Xi@h » Jan 2nd, '06, 21:11

@ruthii9: So sad you to have lived up such trauma at such a young age. You need to move on no matter what. Try some counselling and see if that helps you out.

How's everyone been doing? Well, as for me, day's are over I guess :P

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Post by pwner4once » Jan 5th, '06, 05:23

God. finally i can posts replies. ruroshi really need to solve this connection problem.
so how is everyone doing?
Come one guys. some1 start ranting. ^_^
if not, i'll start ranting about something :D

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Post by kotaeshiranaihito » Jan 5th, '06, 05:40

Fine, one rant before bed (too tired from work and gym today).

People shouldn't baby those that are having a hard time, that way they will never grow. They will only believe they are justified for feeling the way they do and continue to feel that way for much longer than they should. The only time it is truly ok to sympathize with someone is if his/her situation is beyond their control and they tried their best to solve the situation. For example people who are sick with cancer or diabetes, or people who have bad genetics that make them fat and no matter how much they diet or exercise they can't lose any weight, or even people who are losing their hair. These are all things that can truly sadden a person and are pretty much uncontrollable. People like these deserve sympathy.

However, people who have complete control over their problems, but are too afraid, or lazy to actually take the initiative in getting their problem solved (ex: fat people who cry and eat ice cream all day and not even try to go to the gym), deserve no sympathy. I'm not saying they don't have real problems, I'm sure they do, but the best way to help them take initiative to overcome those problems is to not sympathize with them and give them a strong push forward (ex: your friend is upset because his girl dumped him, so you get him up and take him out to a club and show him there are many other hot girls out there and force him to talk to some of them). The people who are willing to do that work for their friends are true friends.

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Post by Xi@h » Jan 5th, '06, 05:52

pwner4once wrote:God. finally i can posts replies. ruroshi really need to solve this connection problem.
so how is everyone doing?
Come one guys. some1 start ranting. ^_^
if not, i'll start ranting about something :D
About what? :blink Geez this thread is dying.

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Post by splur » Jan 5th, '06, 05:54

not enough singles here? I'm sadly still single. But nothing to rant about... girl practically rejected me. What can I do about it eh? lol, move on.

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Post by Xi@h » Jan 5th, '06, 06:47

splur wrote:not enough singles here? I'm sadly still single. But nothing to rant about... girl practically rejected me. What can I do about it eh? lol, move on.
We all got rejected by girls.. we can't help it though. That's humanity :P

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Post by pwner4once » Jan 6th, '06, 04:58

:cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry:
imma gonna cry 'cuz this thread is dying...
i mean posters decreased exponentially.... what a dramatic change. reality i guess. well the old members all kind stopped talking, come on new members!
start pore in ur thoughts and commenT NOW!

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Post by kotaeshiranaihito » Jan 6th, '06, 04:59

I poured out mine and no one commented.

Do I sound a little vindictive in my posts? Be brutally honest.

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Post by Ruroshin » Jan 6th, '06, 05:04

Well what happens when you love 2 girls and they both love you and they both know about each other. On top of that they agreed to let you date each one of them to figure out which one you love best. Is this a wierd situation?

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Post by techie » Jan 6th, '06, 05:06

Ruroshin wrote:Well what happens when you love 2 girls and they both love you and they both know about each other. On top of that they agreed to let you date each one of them to figure out which one you love best. Is this a wierd situation?
ooooh boy. That is surely dorama material. :D

And if they both agree to let you date both of them??? hmmmm :blink

Be careful Ruro... they might play you and both turn out to love eachother instead. hmmmm :scratch: Not sure I'd wanna go there. :whistling:


Cant you come up with something simple like last years dung fever and a short visit to the hospital instead. :lol

-- in my case...

the waitress stopped singing suddenly and now the owner of the place (a lady btw) asked if they should start keeping open til midnight so I can get my delayed breakfast. Hmmmm ... choices, choices...
Last edited by techie on Jan 6th, '06, 05:10, edited 1 time in total.

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Post by Ruroshin » Jan 6th, '06, 05:10

techie wrote:
Ruroshin wrote:Well what happens when you love 2 girls and they both love you and they both know about each other. On top of that they agreed to let you date each one of them to figure out which one you love best. Is this a wierd situation?
ooooh boy. That is surely dorama material. :D
I was thinking anime material myself. You know whenever I watch something like kimagure orange road or similiar wishy washy anime main character I felt like reaching in the tv and hitting the sod over the head to just decide already. But now I understand, its bloody hard. :-(
techie wrote: Be careful Ruro... they might play you and both turn out to love eachother instead. hmmmm :scratch: Not sure I'd wanna go there. :whistling:
the problem is they're the extreme opposite of each other, one is kind, gentle and shy the other is witty, fun and energetic. I actually rejected both of them at different times but its no use, we still end up together. Right now I'm dating one and the other one is waiting for a decision and is just my close friend for the time being.

This problem has me going nuts over the new year holidays. Its also hard because one of them is in another country *sigh*
Last edited by Ruroshin on Jan 6th, '06, 05:13, edited 1 time in total.

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Post by techie » Jan 6th, '06, 05:12

Ruroshin wrote:
techie wrote:
Ruroshin wrote:Well what happens when you love 2 girls and they both love you and they both know about each other. On top of that they agreed to let you date each one of them to figure out which one you love best. Is this a wierd situation?
ooooh boy. That is surely dorama material. :D
I was thinking anime material myself. You know whenever I watch something like kimagure orange road or similiar wishy washy anime main character I felt like reaching in the tv and hitting the sod over the head to just decide already. But now I understand, its bloody hard. :-(
I bet it's hard... find out which of the girls suggested the split dating test and pick the other one :)

Then again you dont want to end up with a "Fridays Lovers" dorama all over again :P
The one who is willing to compete like that is probably to sure of her self and will give you up quicker. Just my take on it.
Ruroshin wrote:This problem has me going nuts over the new year holidays. Its also hard because one of them is in another country *sigh*
Dont tell me the friend is in your country and the date is in another... that wont hold up to long. You sure pick them right huh ?
Last edited by techie on Jan 6th, '06, 05:16, edited 1 time in total.

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Post by kotaeshiranaihito » Jan 6th, '06, 05:15

Do want Salamon the wise did. Have someone say they're gonna cut you in half and each girl can get one half. The girl that says "no please, she can have him just don't hurt him" is the one you pick.

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Post by Ruroshin » Jan 6th, '06, 05:16

techie wrote:
I bet it's hard... find out which of the girls suggested the split dating test and pick the other one :)

Then again you dont want to end up with a "Fridays Lovers" dorama all over again :P
The one who is willing to compete like that is probably to sure of her self and will give you up quicker. Just my take on it.
Actually...it was me that suggested it but I wasn't expecting both of them to agree! I figure the one that loves me the most would probably do anything to keep our relationship but that plan backfired. :|

kotaeshiranaihito wrote:Do want Salamon the wise did. Have someone say they're gonna cut you in half and each girl can get one half. The girl that says "no please, she can have him just don't hurt him" is the one you pick.
heh, if only it was that easy.
Last edited by Ruroshin on Jan 6th, '06, 05:19, edited 1 time in total.

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Post by techie » Jan 6th, '06, 05:18

kotaeshiranaihito wrote:Do want Salamon the wise did. Have someone say they're gonna cut you in half and each girl can get one half. The girl that says "no please, she can have him just don't hurt him" is the one you pick.
Sounds like a smart advise except... given what happend with the dating choice, if both of them agree to that too, then you get in a lot more trouble.

So much for being practical huh Ruro.

Consider the practical facts of country of residency, and so on...
In particular for to reasons

1) Infatuation is nice... for a while but will it last and distance makes it harder?
2) Distance is cool, as long its not serious.
3) When you are "In Love" you can overcome everything but while being "Loving" it sometimes becomes painful and distance makes it harder to maintain.

besides... agewise in my case it would be much different compared to yours.
being an old-fart I guess we're happy it's warm, alive and still kicking :D
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Post by Ruroshin » Jan 6th, '06, 05:22

Well, I'm just going to give it some more time, maybe time will give me my answers.

I promised the other girl I will see her again in the Easter holiday, after that I think I will have to make a decision otherwise its going to be miserable for the 3 of us. The only thing I hate is one of them is going be very sad because of me and its not because I don't love her it will be because I can't.

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Post by kotaeshiranaihito » Jan 6th, '06, 05:25

Ok, for a serious answer, how about you introduce one of them (the one you're not seeing) to a good friend of yours? You could all go out on a double date and everyone will end up happy... hopefully.

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Post by techie » Jan 6th, '06, 05:25

Well that always happen. Life is not about keeping everyone happy but retaining some of your own sanity in trying to do the right thing for a select few.

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Post by techie » Jan 6th, '06, 05:26

kotaeshiranaihito wrote:Ok, for a serious answer, how about you introduce one of them (the one you're not seeing) to a good friend of yours? You could all go out on a double date and everyone will end up happy... hopefully.
Maybe that works for some but...

Personally I would never tag along as a fifth wheel to a foursome date, knowing one has the affection of both girls. Thats just even more absurd a situation for the second guy.

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Post by kotaeshiranaihito » Jan 6th, '06, 05:27

Well he says he loves her and obviously wants her to be happy. At least this way he knows she will be going out with a good guy instead of some bum who just wants to get some.

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Post by techie » Jan 6th, '06, 05:29

kotaeshiranaihito wrote:Well he says he loves her and obviously wants her to be happy. At least this way he knows she will be going out with a good guy instead of some bum who just wants to get some.
Her current infatuation is not a second guy introduced at such a scenario.
She wont have eyes for anyone but the person at hand, so I think
such a thing would dramatically fail. However, it is equally so not possible
due to the distance.

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Post by Ruroshin » Jan 6th, '06, 05:31

kotaeshiranaihito wrote:Ok, for a serious answer, how about you introduce one of them (the one you're not seeing) to a good friend of yours? You could all go out on a double date and everyone will end up happy... hopefully.
Ok, let me tell you what happen in the middle of last month. I was seeing the one I'm not (girl B) dating now (girl A). We were introduced by her aunt who used to work for my parents, at the time I kind of had feelings for girl A but we hadn't said anything to each other yet just good friends. Girl B confessed to me but since I had feelings for Girl A I had to reject her. Afterwards I suggested her Aunt introduce her to a couple of more guys, Girl B got majorly pissed off at me for this and I had a long night that night apologising. So no, do not suggest to a girl who loves you that she should see another guy, I've learnt my lesson.

While its true that whichever one that I can't be with I would like to know she is happy finding someone else but just don't say it to her or she'll be even sadder.
Last edited by Ruroshin on Jan 6th, '06, 05:35, edited 1 time in total.

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Post by techie » Jan 6th, '06, 05:35

Ruroshin wrote: So no, do not suggest to a girl who loves you that she should see another guy, I've learnt my lesson.
Correction, dont suggest to her aunt... :P

Well seriously speaking.. you have to give it some time and see if the long distance girls infatuation builds to more, and see what the Near distance girl tells you too.

Things like this have a way of working themselves out in ways we cant really control.
Just be careful not to run into something you are not sure about although I'm with you about the thing getting agitated over slow indecisive sods on shows too.

I am completely with you on that not dragging your feet after you.

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Post by kotaeshiranaihito » Jan 6th, '06, 05:38

how far apart are you guys? And how often can you see each other?

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Post by Ruroshin » Jan 6th, '06, 05:41

7 hours flight apart. We've known each other for about 5 to 6 months but last month I was with her every single day. I guess its hard to avoid feelings when you see each other everyday. I had no intention of falling in love, I even tried to resist for awhile but when it arrives you just can't stop it.

I also learnt another thing, all those love dramas I watch, they were no help :P
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Post by techie » Jan 6th, '06, 05:44

Ruroshin wrote:7 hours flight apart. We've known each other for about 5 to 6 months but last month I was with her every single day. I guess its hard to avoid feelings when you see each other everyday. I had no intention of falling in love, I even tried to resist for awhile but when it arrives you just can't stop it.
You should ask yourself how much you feel like that now that yore back home, and with your current situation.

It's not heads or tales, but how much are you willing to put on a stake what youve got for what you could have, without falling for the age old dilemma of being affraid to give up what you have (could have) for something else.

To win takes risk, and you have to risk to lose it all.
The stake in love always seem to be everything or nothing.
Life is ironic that way.

Edit:

In fact I dont think anyone can tell you what to do in these matters.
You have to make the choice yourself and stick to it, even regardless what these girls say.
I must say, it seems both of them are very nice though agreeing to your suggestion.
It's something I'd say they offered you a great deal of responsibility with.
Something I've only seen in doramas before in fact, and never in real life.
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Post by Ruroshin » Jan 6th, '06, 05:48

techie wrote: It's not heads or tales, but how much are you willing to put on a stake what youve got for what you could have, without falling for the age old dilemma of being affraid to give up what you have (could have) for something else.
exactly, I was pondering this all new years eve. But its undeniable what I feel, maybe it is just something short and sweet I'm feeling but it hasn't past by yet, whenever I think about giving it up it hurts a lot so here I am still in this mess.

Well i'm not looking for any advice because i've already decided on what to do. Just thought I might feel better sharing this bizzare situation I'm in.
Last edited by Ruroshin on Jan 6th, '06, 05:49, edited 1 time in total.

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Post by kotaeshiranaihito » Jan 6th, '06, 05:48

If I was an idealist I would say go for the person who you love more, but the fact is, I'm not. I am a realist, and in reality long distance relationships (esp that long) tend to not end well. I would say go for the one that is close to you. realistically speaking that relationship has a much better chance of working out.

Who knows, what you feel for the other girl might not even be love, but longing. The fact that she's not here everyday to show you her faults makes your picture of her rose colored.

I know I may sound harsh, but reality is harsh. And unfortunately reality isn't something you can click off if you don't want to face it, like you can your computer.

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Post by techie » Jan 6th, '06, 05:51

kotaeshiranaihito wrote: Who knows, what you feel for the other girl might not even be love, but longing. The fact that she's not here everyday to show you her faults makes your picture of her rose colored.

I know I may sound harsh, but reality is harsh. And unfortunately reality isn't something you can click off if you don't want to face it, like you can your computer.
Thats very true.
Oh ruro.. i did an edit above too. :whistling:

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