SINGLES RANTING THREAD (Dating Advice)

The real life drama forum. Discuss your relationships or get to know the other members here.
Locked
User avatar
techie
Global Moderator
Global Moderator
Posts: 596
Joined: Oct 18th, '04, 02:37
Location: 99% sure, Studying.

Post by techie » Dec 22nd, '05, 08:48

Thats no good Valcun.

Be better than Dick-san.

Just tell him face to face the next time you see him.
(and I would use these exact words)

"Hey dick-san, at least get your sh** together when working and hold up your end!
Don't drop your work on others because youre lazy or something, and if you need help, ask. Dont just sneak off!")

Then I'd turn my back and walk off slowly.

Anti-team players like that should'nt work in a place dependant on team work.

It doesn't help the Aya situation but at least Disk-san can use the upper level head for a bit. Hmmpf.
:blink $zipCode = strtoupper($zipCode); // it is not the case of being sensitive... XD

User avatar
P0KEY
Fansubber
Fansubber
Posts: 368
Joined: Apr 15th, '05, 22:54
Location: California
Contact:

Post by P0KEY » Dec 22nd, '05, 08:53

Dick-san?

:: points to Mythrel :: :lol :lol :lol that has got to be the funniest joke EVER.

but i think when you like someone, you`ll take things out of proportion, and you tend to exaggerate a little. like if a normal person comes and says "hi" you wouldn`t think too much about it, but if the person you liked comes up to you and says "hi" you`d be like "omg, she/he said hi. that means she likes me. omg omg omg", you get my meaning?

so you may just be overreacting to it all, but maybe thats just the way i see it. good luck to yah, though.
"Bears Beets Battlestar Gallactica."

User avatar
techie
Global Moderator
Global Moderator
Posts: 596
Joined: Oct 18th, '04, 02:37
Location: 99% sure, Studying.

Post by techie » Dec 22nd, '05, 09:04

Yup... but I can fully sympathize with Vulcan.
oooouf... I really can't stand people like that dude though. :fight: oo :fight: oo ayaaaaaaa

Ganbare ne, Valcun
:blink $zipCode = strtoupper($zipCode); // it is not the case of being sensitive... XD

User avatar
x_XJules
Fansubber
Fansubber
Posts: 802
Joined: Jul 18th, '05, 22:52
Location: Seattle

Post by x_XJules » Dec 22nd, '05, 10:22

P0KEY wrote:Dick-san?

:: points to Mythrel :: :lol :lol :lol that has got to be the funniest joke EVER.

:D :D :lol :lol :lol :rofl: :rofl:

awww, so good.


edit: santa hats.. cute.

Xi@h
Fansubber
Fansubber
Posts: 858
Joined: Sep 23rd, '05, 09:27

Post by Xi@h » Dec 22nd, '05, 10:37

P0KEY wrote:Dick-san?

:: points to Mythrel :: :lol :lol :lol that has got to be the funniest joke EVER.
.
:w000t::w000t::w000t::w000t::w000t:
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

We killed Sojiro last night, we fried him, and we ate him :w00t:

User avatar
Kae
Posts: 69
Joined: Feb 13th, '04, 11:51
Location: Philippines
Contact:

Post by Kae » Dec 22nd, '05, 13:14

mokona424 wrote:kae-san ur from philippines too where exactly haha just curious
From Manila :)
Valcun wrote: I realized something, you guys can feel free to comment on this but it won't affect me on what you see. I realize that the concept of "love" is a fairytale that only comes from books and is shown on dramas. It doesn't really exist. Everytime I like a girl, she always chooses some jerk over me. I'm fed up with it. There is only one thing left for me... "THE GAME". These events fueled me in bettering my skills in the game.
I think that if you want to be happy or at least have a nice existence, you have to believe in love if not for you then for other people. I learned it while trying to be cool about my feelings and wanting to be happy. This is what I think Valcun-san so I hope you change your mind in the future.

User avatar
Mythrel
Posts: 463
Joined: Aug 11th, '05, 02:34
Location: Burnaby, British Columbia

Post by Mythrel » Dec 22nd, '05, 16:32

*burps* yep he tasted kinda like bitter tea :lol

damnit I'm not dick-san ;_____; Whyyyy god whyyyyy!!
Im making you aware. That if you dont like me well I dont care. Ill be exactly who I am and if you got a problem with it. Well thats your problem, man.

Xi@h
Fansubber
Fansubber
Posts: 858
Joined: Sep 23rd, '05, 09:27

Post by Xi@h » Dec 22nd, '05, 17:15

Mythrel wrote:*burps* yep he tasted kinda like bitter tea :lol

damnit I'm not dick-san ;_____; Whyyyy god whyyyyy!!

I've just heard someone saying this
"Boku wa Dick-san no koto daisuki desu"

Who's that? :P :lol:

User avatar
techie
Global Moderator
Global Moderator
Posts: 596
Joined: Oct 18th, '04, 02:37
Location: 99% sure, Studying.

Post by techie » Dec 22nd, '05, 17:41

I found a picture of Dick-san but it's perhaps not so politically correct to post a picture of him here as it might be offensive to some and plain not good for the many younger viewers in here.

I'll drop him in on my blog for those who are interested. :lol


Edit: Ok... dick-san is now uploaded or...  ぢくさん as he is now known on my blog.
:blink $zipCode = strtoupper($zipCode); // it is not the case of being sensitive... XD

User avatar
Mythrel
Posts: 463
Joined: Aug 11th, '05, 02:34
Location: Burnaby, British Columbia

Post by Mythrel » Dec 22nd, '05, 18:03

What Jeremiah lol. I have no idea what that says but I know what daisuki means. Damnit I wish I had a cooler first name like allabalallaa. Although according to that japanese name translator thing my first name is Ichisaburo which sounds cool.
Im making you aware. That if you dont like me well I dont care. Ill be exactly who I am and if you got a problem with it. Well thats your problem, man.

User avatar
x_XJules
Fansubber
Fansubber
Posts: 802
Joined: Jul 18th, '05, 22:52
Location: Seattle

Post by x_XJules » Dec 22nd, '05, 18:56

I did that japaense translator too!! mine is Fumie


i think.. or maybe it was a name generator thing...

whatever. you're name is dick mythrel.

Xi@h
Fansubber
Fansubber
Posts: 858
Joined: Sep 23rd, '05, 09:27

Post by Xi@h » Dec 22nd, '05, 19:18

LOL Richie.. I didn't say anything. I just heard someone yelling far away these words. Do you know who's that Dick-san is?

As for the Japanese name translator, I've lost the link lol

User avatar
Mythrel
Posts: 463
Joined: Aug 11th, '05, 02:34
Location: Burnaby, British Columbia

Post by Mythrel » Dec 22nd, '05, 20:46

I'm afraid to ask... :lol
Im making you aware. That if you dont like me well I dont care. Ill be exactly who I am and if you got a problem with it. Well thats your problem, man.

User avatar
Valcun
Posts: 128
Joined: Jul 25th, '05, 20:00
Location: Hawaii

Post by Valcun » Dec 22nd, '05, 21:50

Well, though I said I wouldn't want to post anymore. I have something to say.

Yesturday at work, the weirdest thing happened to me. Before I was able to clock in, I sat down for a second. Then all of a sudden my heart started to race and I felt this warmth in my heart it was such an incredible feeling. Then I started to invision a girl. It was like if she was calling out to me. She had her arms held out as if to hug me. She was so gorgeous but I couldn't see her face. Then soon as she said, "I love you". I snapped out of my daze. Then my co-worker walks by and pats me on the back and says I should clock in before I get late. I was scared, I didn't know what the heck just happened. But I realized that it was the girl I was looking for. The reason why we couldn't meet yet was because I wasn't ready. In order to be ready I need to be able to take care of my self before I can take care of her. Even though I'm legally a man ( 18 ), I'm mentally not one. I need to grow up more. Being a man Isn't having money or being macho. Being a Man is being able to sacrifice. Like to sacrifice your free time to wash your car. Later on in a relationship you need to be willing to sacrifice somethings to be with the one you love. "Never Giving up" is what helped me regain my belief in love. I have to keep going in order to get ready. I can't back down.

I also decided to give up the game. I don't want to game anymore. I feel like some divine power was behind this event. I don't want to play the game infront of her. If all these divine things have been happening, I wouldn't need to game infront of her. I wouldn't need the game to win her. I just need to beileive in my self. Even right now, I can still feel her.

I can never give up, I have to keep moving forward.

PS: Ty Techie for trying to cheer me up, especially with your blog picture :P

-Valcun
Last edited by Valcun on Dec 22nd, '05, 21:55, edited 1 time in total.
Image Image

User avatar
techie
Global Moderator
Global Moderator
Posts: 596
Joined: Oct 18th, '04, 02:37
Location: 99% sure, Studying.

Post by techie » Dec 22nd, '05, 21:54

No problem Valcun...
Just keep that picture in your mind and dont grow up to much here.
Heck, you'll overtake me with all that stuff. :P

Merry Christmas Valcun and welcome to the next chapter in your life. :thumright:
:blink $zipCode = strtoupper($zipCode); // it is not the case of being sensitive... XD

Xi@h
Fansubber
Fansubber
Posts: 858
Joined: Sep 23rd, '05, 09:27

Post by Xi@h » Dec 22nd, '05, 21:59

Valcun wrote: I also decided to give up the game. I don't want to game anymore. I feel like some divine power was behind this event. I don't want to play the game infront of her. If all these divine things have been happening, I wouldn't need to game infront of her. I wouldn't need the game to win her. I just need to beileive in my self. Even right now, I can still feel her.

I can never give up, I have to keep moving forward.

-Valcun
:cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: Very touched and I'm glad about your decision. We, draManiacs won't let you down. Myth, Jules, Pwner and I will root for you. Please do your best.

User avatar
Mythrel
Posts: 463
Joined: Aug 11th, '05, 02:34
Location: Burnaby, British Columbia

Post by Mythrel » Dec 22nd, '05, 23:32

Wow Valcun, thats good to hear. Thats the power of love lol. The feeling of someone thinking about you, loving you, missing you. It is like a warmth that rolls all over your body like a harmless flame. I know to some people that may sound lame but its what I felt when I was inlove. Maybe you are not in love with someone right now but you are in love with the idea and thats a good thing. I hope it motivates you in the right ways but it looks like it has. If you keep it up you might be able to discover more about yourself and reach heights you never thought possible. You will also be able to truely love someone with your hearts content and have much more meaingful relationships than moving from one to the next.
Im making you aware. That if you dont like me well I dont care. Ill be exactly who I am and if you got a problem with it. Well thats your problem, man.

User avatar
P0KEY
Fansubber
Fansubber
Posts: 368
Joined: Apr 15th, '05, 22:54
Location: California
Contact:

Post by P0KEY » Dec 23rd, '05, 01:07

omg. makino and sojirou both popped up.

:: waves to mythrel ::

hello dick-san. :-)
"Bears Beets Battlestar Gallactica."

User avatar
Mythrel
Posts: 463
Joined: Aug 11th, '05, 02:34
Location: Burnaby, British Columbia

Post by Mythrel » Dec 23rd, '05, 02:00

::waves back ;________;

*flying knee's Jeremiah
Im making you aware. That if you dont like me well I dont care. Ill be exactly who I am and if you got a problem with it. Well thats your problem, man.

slippyepic
Posts: 109
Joined: Nov 14th, '05, 04:49

Post by slippyepic » Dec 23rd, '05, 03:28

This is going to sound a little harsh, but I'm getting the feeling that Valcun is confusing probably genuine feelings toward Aya with the extreme highs and lows of severe anxiety built upon a restrictive environment (i.e. the workplace) and probably other stress factors related to the holidays or school. Notice how every other person in his accounts, be it a guy friend, her female friend, or whomever -- have become sort of an enemy or adversary in relation to his fascination with Aya. Which is passive, nonetheless. He's exhibiting passive aggressive behaviour and not doing what he knows he should do: ask her out.

He's having "cabin fever" and being here on the net is probably making it worse.

If this is true, there's really no point for Valcun to rationalize what love is or who he is at this moment, or to aspire for a cavalier purity. You won't be able to sustain such a goal because you're purely reacting from your current, hyperagitated emotional response. There's not even a point in thinking the situation through or analyzing your emotions for Aya (though, again, I think you're seeing yourself in her, not really her differences or separateness from you), because that too is reinforcing your vertigo.

I think what he needs is time off, and a lot of time spent with both male and female friends, reconnecting, and just talking it out with them. Then come January 2006, make a New Year's resolution to ask Aya out. If she says no, then at least there's resolution. And if she says, well then you get to see whether your image of her really reflects who she actually is. My bet is that she isn't, and you will learn a lot from the experience.

The worst thing you can do, Valcun, is shut yourself from the world and stew obsessively over her during the holidays. Genuine compassion and empathy and honesty and all that good stuff is with other people, not by yourself. If you have no experience with such, how can you love or feel love? Love isn't a summit to be climbed or an exercise in self-flagellation. And it isn't lonely. What makes it hard (and hard-won) is that it's with other people and often people you don't perfectly get along with. Family. Real friends.

If you want to do the sabbatical, then god speed. And if you find that it isn't right, then feel free to come here and just spill your guts and your insecurities or whatever. People care about you; a lot of those people don't see what you think you're seeing.

Remember this -- when people say love or life isn't what they wanted to be, they're really saying that *they* are not what they wanted to be. We are responsible for our disappointments.
it's some what appearing to me that us otakus, not sure if u consider yourself one, always have the desire to have more than what we get! LOL it's amazing how our temptation changes from 1 girl to many girls. anyways, i suggest you to go buy some more wines after a brief amount of time.
Nah, most guys are like this. And besides, it's not like Slackstation knows any of them well enough to make up his mind. He's in a sweet situation.
Slackstation,
Looks like you're doing great, and it seems that you did well with the eye contact thing. Nice!
If you do find yourself genuinely interested in more than one girl, then I would strongly suggest bringing a wingman and then with your buddy inviting multiple girls out to coffee (or a friend's party.) This way, you don't look like a player and you can get to know each person a little before making up your mind.

Other than that, if you see TJ-San, definitely ask her out the next time you see her. Observe something about her before you get up to talk to her. Usually most salesladies are wearing something in particular for the holidays. Make sure you have a ready topic that isn't anime. If anime comes up, great, but send off the signal that you're not a one-dimensional otaku. Make sure you invite her out to coffee or a bar. Ideally, see if you can ask them out right after their work. This enhances the informality of the situation, and usually they'll want to talk about whatever happened at work that day.

Now, if she says no, then try to finish out the convo with a joke, and don't be afraid of returning to that store. Still make her eye contact with her and a sign of acknowledgement. Sometimes, they change their mind when they realize they can feel comfortable around you even if they turn you down. And, in the meantime, you have free reign now to hit on the other salesladies. ;)

User avatar
x_XJules
Fansubber
Fansubber
Posts: 802
Joined: Jul 18th, '05, 22:52
Location: Seattle

Post by x_XJules » Dec 23rd, '05, 03:46

VALCUN i'm proud of you. you're 18 years old, live your life but stay smart and be happy. You're intelligent enough to know right from wrong so I trust you'll take good care of yourself and the people around you. You know the rest of dramaniacs are always here for you so even if you give up the forum just drop us a line.

take care. :D


edit:
P0KEY wrote:omg. makino and sojirou both popped up.
Hey pokey!!! how are you?? :mrgreen:

ahaw
Posts: 37
Joined: Jun 14th, '05, 09:12
Location: sg. buloh

ahnyong haseyo

Post by ahaw » Dec 23rd, '05, 04:11

to all nakama

breath!!!

breath!!

:pale:

User avatar
x_XJules
Fansubber
Fansubber
Posts: 802
Joined: Jul 18th, '05, 22:52
Location: Seattle

Re: ahnyong haseyo

Post by x_XJules » Dec 23rd, '05, 04:20

ahaw wrote:to all nakama

breath!!!

breath!!

:pale:
:D i'd be happy to share some oxygen with you. would that make you feel better?

ahaw
Posts: 37
Joined: Jun 14th, '05, 09:12
Location: sg. buloh

ahnyong haseyo

Post by ahaw » Dec 23rd, '05, 04:32

maybe...

:argue:

User avatar
mokona424
Posts: 53
Joined: Nov 29th, '05, 13:49
Location: Philippines

Post by mokona424 » Dec 23rd, '05, 05:03

LOL!!
kae-san kool,we're just near!!:)) i'm in Q.C.
kool!!
haha
sugoi makino and soujirou ar hir now it's complete:D:))=))
Image
PUU~~

Xi@h
Fansubber
Fansubber
Posts: 858
Joined: Sep 23rd, '05, 09:27

Post by Xi@h » Dec 23rd, '05, 11:04

Mythrel wrote:::waves back ;________;

*flying knee's Jeremiah
Wot? :blink

User avatar
Benoist-lover
Posts: 35
Joined: Nov 17th, '05, 21:16
Location: Sweden

Post by Benoist-lover » Dec 23rd, '05, 17:07

Hi everyone! I'm new to this thread but since it says Dating Advice I thought I could try and ask you guys here for some advice :) I have a really wonderful girl in my class (I'm on my 2nd year in High School), and I really like her very much. I always take an earlier bus than I have to just to be able to talk to her in the mornings before we start our first lesson, and whenever I meet her we talk. But there are often other people around us, I have never been able to talk alone with her :( I don't have the curage to just ask her if she wanna go to the cafe with me or something, but then I thought of something. She is from China and is currently studying Chinese letters, she doesn't know so many yet. And I'm stuying Japanese and Kanji. I'm thinking of asking her if she wanna study some Kanji with me sometime, what do you think of that idea? Then we have a reason to be together, to study, and we can both take benefit from it since kanji is both Chinese and Japanese, right? :D

User avatar
Mythrel
Posts: 463
Joined: Aug 11th, '05, 02:34
Location: Burnaby, British Columbia

Post by Mythrel » Dec 23rd, '05, 17:44

Welcome Benoist.Its all about how comfertable you are with yourself and being around her. Are you guys friends or just like aquantiances I guess. If you seen her in the hall would you stop to talk to her? would she do the same for you? I am guessing you are shy? like getting her alone to ask her these things isn't going to help much if you are shy unless you feel like you can say anything to her. I know highschool can be a vicious place and full of jerks but don't let them get in the way of your happiness. Do whatever you think is best for you. Go at a pace you are comfertable with. Just I got to warn you to not wait forever to make your move. Sometimes you got the throw caution into the wind and go for it. Sometimes it isn't always a pretty outcome but the ones that suceed make it all worth it.
Im making you aware. That if you dont like me well I dont care. Ill be exactly who I am and if you got a problem with it. Well thats your problem, man.

User avatar
dan12
Posts: 160
Joined: Nov 23rd, '05, 18:13
Location: USA

Post by dan12 » Dec 23rd, '05, 17:46

Attachments
DSC00131.JPG
DSC00131.JPG (54.17 KiB) Viewed 1483 times

User avatar
P0KEY
Fansubber
Fansubber
Posts: 368
Joined: Apr 15th, '05, 22:54
Location: California
Contact:

Post by P0KEY » Dec 23rd, '05, 19:27

Jeremiah wrote:
Mythrel wrote:::waves back ;________;

*flying knee's Jeremiah
Wot? :blink
ditto... what in the world...? XD

i`m happy!

china = cute guys = love :heart:

i`m going to meet someone there, just you watch. :-)
"Bears Beets Battlestar Gallactica."

slippyepic
Posts: 109
Joined: Nov 14th, '05, 04:49

Post by slippyepic » Dec 23rd, '05, 19:54

I am guessing you are shy? like getting her alone to ask her these things isn't going to help much if you are shy unless you feel like you can say anything to her.
This is very true.
talk. But there are often other people around us, I have never been able to talk alone with her I don't have the curage to just ask her if she wanna go to the cafe with me or something,
Wingman. That is, next time you talk to her, have your buddy distract the other people of group, so that you can talk to her personally. Ask her to look at something for you, and then just start a convo up with her. Moreover, she won't feel self conscious either.
.She is from China and is currently studying Chinese letters, she doesn't know so many yet. And I'm stuying Japanese and Kanji. I'm thinking of asking her if she wanna study some Kanji with me sometime, what do you think of that idea? Then we have a reason to be together, to study, and we can both take benefit from it since kanji is both Chinese and Japanese, right?
It makes sense if she is learning Japanese. If she isn't, well, keep in mind that she's a mainlander and mainlanders don't have a happy history with the Japanese. ;)

She's probably rather shy too and wants to make as many friends as possible in this country. Therefore, what I would do is, in any given social group, to make her feel especially comfortable or happy by making her laugh. And to make sure your eyes and her eyes meet a couple times, while you're making jokes. And if you're absolutely crap at humor, then at least make sure her eyes and your eyes meet a few times whenever in the group.

Once you both feel comfortable with that level of contact (I bet you have trouble making eye contact with her when you try talking with her), then go ahead and ask her out to coffee. You don't even need a real reason, and frankly she won't care if she's interested.

But before you ask, when you do decide to ask, understand that your "date" has already begun. And, so, you should try to make her feel very comfortable and happy around you -- give her a enjoyable time with you. Engage her. Listen to her. Make her laugh if you're funny. And if possible, make a little physical contact here and there, with maybe brushing her arm or shoulder, or playing with her school bag and touching her hand. THEN, once you get the vibe that she is comfortable with you, ask her to the cafe. You'll be fine from there on.

kotaeshiranaihito
Posts: 234
Joined: Dec 23rd, '05, 19:55
Location: New York

Post by kotaeshiranaihito » Dec 23rd, '05, 20:22

Kanji is derived from the chinese characters but have completely different sounds. Some chinese people even have a harder time in Japanese class because they have to learn the kanji in a completely new way. It would be much better if you just ask her if she wants to do something with you sometimes.

Anyway, about me. In the beginning of the semester I saw this really nice girl in school. I talked to her and got her number and started hanging out with her. But this one is different from all the other girls' whos numbers I got. All the other girls, I would just be cool and calm and get their number after talking to them for like 10-20 minutes or on like the 2nd, 3rd, or 4th time I seen them around. But this girl, as soon as I heard her voice, something inside me just snapped and I immediately (like almost no control over me) asked for her number.

Anyway we started hanging out and everytime we do time just really flies by. We always smile around each other and we even end up laughing about any uncomfortable silences we have. On like the fourth time we met I told her that I liked her (yeah I know big mistake, but it's the first time I really really really liked someone that way). She told me that there is a guy back in Japan (she's an international student, guess I should've mentioned that in the beginning), and she likes him, but she doesn't know how he feels about her because she never told him. ya, that's all well and good but she never told me how se felt about me, so a few weeks later I asked how she felt about me, and she told me the exact same thing and that I should only see her as a friend and then started crying.

Maybe I got my messages mixed but whenever I looked straight at her it seemed like she really has feelings for me, but I could be wrong.

I tried dating another girl, but my mind kept going back to her. I think the reason is because I still think I have a chance-even if I don't.

From what I experience it could be one of two things.

1) she really doesn't like me as anything more than a friend-the one I leaning towards.

2) it's possible that she has some feelings but even if she does she doesn't want to try anything because at the end she is going to end up leaving-she's always asking me over and over if I want to live in japan (I keep telling her no, that I only want to visit and maybe do business there), and when I asked her if she wants me to live in Japan, she said yes. And she said she'll definitely meet me their to show me around at least.

Im guessing I just really need to try to go for a straight answer from her, I just want to hear the words "I have no feelings for you except friendship" from her. Anyone agree with me on that one?

slippyepic
Posts: 109
Joined: Nov 14th, '05, 04:49

Post by slippyepic » Dec 23rd, '05, 20:40

Im guessing I just really need to try to go for a straight answer from her, I just want to hear the words "I have no feelings for you except friendship" from her. Anyone agree with me on that one?
Absolutely, and I have to say that you deserve much respect for wanting that kind of honesty from the other person. It means you're really in love with her, and you need the closure. Cheers, mate.
2) it's possible that she has some feelings but even if she does she doesn't want to try anything because at the end she is going to end up leaving-she's always asking me over and over if I want to live in japan (I keep telling her no, that I only want to visit and maybe do business there), and when I asked her if she wants me to live in Japan, she said yes. And she said she'll definitely meet me their to show me around at least.
Hmm, very strong happy signals coming from her side. I like your chances. :)
I'm kinda ambivalent about this myself, because if you've ever done the long distance relationship or had your girlfriend study in another country, you sweat this scenario pretty much everyday until you're finally convinced she has/wants no guy friends whatsoever. But, then again, it's her call.

If she does feel that way about you but is scared of committing, then basically you have a lot more power than you realize.

You can decide whether to keep pursuing this, acknowledging a relationship may not be possible without huge sacrifices from her or your part and that anything less than a relationship is way too unacceptable for you.

Or you can go, "you know what, I just really enjoy being around her, and I'm going to keep being around her until I can't." The difference here is that you have to still acknowledge she may never come around to a relationship with you. Instead, enjoy the time you have with her. Know that this is a finite situation, and that the best you can do is to give her and yourself the memories you would want anyway in a proper relationship. Be playful with her, make light physical contact with her, share intimate thoughts and such with her. The physical contact is especially important if you want her to see you as a potential BF.

In other words, act as her "platonic" boyfriend but don't make her feel uncomfortable. This is a proactive choice you can still make, a compromise that I think you'll be able to live with until you can't stand it anymore. You may still want to move on. But, it's better than doing nothing and feeling helpless.

kotaeshiranaihito
Posts: 234
Joined: Dec 23rd, '05, 19:55
Location: New York

Post by kotaeshiranaihito » Dec 23rd, '05, 20:51

I do still see her and hang out with her. The crying thing happened like over a month ago. She told me she wants me to live in Japan the very last time we met-a little over a week ago, then we both had to get ready for finals and right after she left for winter break.

Even though I really don't want to live in Japan (I mean I really REALLY don't) I feel like I would do it to be with her, but I still really don't want to.

Anyway I am going to see her as soon as she gets back.

slippyepic
Posts: 109
Joined: Nov 14th, '05, 04:49

Post by slippyepic » Dec 23rd, '05, 21:15

Even though I really don't want to live in Japan (I mean I really REALLY don't) I feel like I would do it to be with her, but I still really don't want to.
Definitely put that choice out of your head until you're actually in an involved relationship with her. Even if all that were truly that she was in love with you but wanted you to follow her, it would create an innate resentment and set up the relationship to fail. And, then, you'd be in Japan and single. Hmm, I kinda like that idea . . . ;)
It really looks like you'll be okay. I think you want to give this a shot and that she does too.

1) Work on increasing physical contact with her and increasing physical affection. Touching hands, knees, shoulder. The first time you see her, give her a big, warm, but platonic hug. Tease her a bit to make her hit you or want to touch you as well. Don't try to kiss her or do anything inappropriate. Just make her feel like she can feel physically intimate with you.

2) If you haven't ready, keep in your head what she wants in a boyfriend and what she wants from her current guy. Listen carefully and walk toward that.

Basically, what you want to do is create an image of her of what a relationship with you would be like. The advantage you have is that, when she's here, you're her "reality" whereas the guy on the other side is just a voice on the phone. You'll be her constant. And therefore, you'll literally be more real to her than he will.

To have a real relationship with her is to have her experience a relationship with you. I hope you're already on your way to making her see what it would be like to be with you.

User avatar
Benoist-lover
Posts: 35
Joined: Nov 17th, '05, 21:16
Location: Sweden

Post by Benoist-lover » Dec 23rd, '05, 22:22

Mythrel wrote:Welcome Benoist.Its all about how comfertable you are with yourself and being around her. Are you guys friends or just like aquantiances I guess. If you seen her in the hall would you stop to talk to her? would she do the same for you? I am guessing you are shy? like getting her alone to ask her these things isn't going to help much if you are shy unless you feel like you can say anything to her. I know highschool can be a vicious place and full of jerks but don't let them get in the way of your happiness. Do whatever you think is best for you. Go at a pace you are comfertable with. Just I got to warn you to not wait forever to make your move. Sometimes you got the throw caution into the wind and go for it. Sometimes it isn't always a pretty outcome but the ones that suceed make it all worth it.
Thanks! Well I get pretty nervous when I'm talking to her, there are so many things I want to tell her, I think I talk too much about myself when we are together but it's hard not to, I don't feel comfortable if it's quiet and I don't know exactly what to ask her either. I think I am pretty shy, or it depends what I'm supposed to do.
slippyepic wrote: Once you both feel comfortable with that level of contact (I bet you have trouble making eye contact with her when you try talking with her), then go ahead and ask her out to coffee. You don't even need a real reason, and frankly she won't care if she's interested. .
In this kind of situation I am very shy. Since there are always other classmates among us everyone can hear what we are talking about, and they will also hear if I ask her out, that would be very embarrassing. Everyone will wonder, why is he asking her out, what does he want? And she is going to wonder that too, "what does he want me?".I just wish I had a reason to be with her, like studying kanji together. But if kanji is that different from Chinese, that might not be such a good idea as I thought. Are the letters in the kanji alphabeth totally different from those in the Chinese, don't they use them at all there? It would have been so good, it could have been our special language that only we would understand. Since I'm currently studying Japanese and she is studying Chinese it would be fun if we could write that and understand eachother, that would create a special connection between us. And I'd love studying with her :D I don't think we know eachother so good that I can just ask her "Hey, wanna go out for a cup of coffee with me" like that would be the most natural thing in the world :(

kotaeshiranaihito
Posts: 234
Joined: Dec 23rd, '05, 19:55
Location: New York

Post by kotaeshiranaihito » Dec 23rd, '05, 23:35

Combined kanji usually have the same meanings as the combined chinese characters (like kazan - volcano -fire mountain). But like I said the actual word is different in chinese. You can still compare meanings, but don't do that too much, it will only annoy her.

User avatar
Mythrel
Posts: 463
Joined: Aug 11th, '05, 02:34
Location: Burnaby, British Columbia

Post by Mythrel » Dec 24th, '05, 00:34

Ya Benoist its what I thought. I think you need to seriously think about the situation you have. If you continue what you are doing you will never find out if you two could have ever been anything because you will always worry what other people will think. Don't let it ruin your chance for happiness who cares what others think. I know this is hard to just command and say it and make all the worries go away but forget about them. I mean I know you are worried she will reject you and you would never want to show your face but what if she says yes? You will miss that oppurtinity because you don't want to lose face. You just have to do it when you are comfertable. Don't be like me and do nothing trust me it hurts way more than a simple no.
Im making you aware. That if you dont like me well I dont care. Ill be exactly who I am and if you got a problem with it. Well thats your problem, man.

slippyepic
Posts: 109
Joined: Nov 14th, '05, 04:49

Post by slippyepic » Dec 24th, '05, 02:34

Since I'm currently studying Japanese and she is studying Chinese it would be fun if we could write that and understand eachother, that would create a special connection between us.
Erm, again, this is a risky situation because, if she's a mainlander, she'll probably have very mixed feelings over somebody who is interested in the Japanese culture. I might even say, "kinda hostile", but I can't speak for her. It's a risky card to play.
I just wish I had a reason to be with her, like studying kanji together.
Well do ya . . do ya do ya wanna . . . (sorry!) :D

Man, I wish Valcun was here. Our retired, lovesick PUA could show you how it's done. :D

Key thing to understand is that, even if you two shared the same subject, there is really no good practical reason why she would want to study with you. In fact, the only really good reason why she would want to hang out with you, in any capacity, is whether she has a good rapport/connection with you already. And, because she's a foreign exchange student, she's absolutely starving for that connection with somebody.

A connection has nothing to do with circumstances, but what you two make together. It's about communication and interaction. It's about you two having a really positive experience together that increases the level of trust and imtimacy between you two.

First rule of asking somebody out . . . NEVER ask somebody out until you've already established a good rapport with them. Even if you and the other person are already well acquainted, you and the other person should already be in a friendly, kind of flirtacious situation, before you ask them out to coffee. And if you two are virtually strangers -- as what seems here -- then you need to establish that kind of rapport with them BEFORE you ask them out.

IF you do, then you can go ahead and just ask her out. Whether you ask her to study with you or out to coffee, won't really matter. By then, she would have already made up her mind, regardless of what situation you give her. And, likewise, even if you're the #1 student in her class, she's going to fight you on this question because she doesn't really trust you.

But enough negativity, let's talk about opportunity.

1) #1 thing is being able to establish eye contact with her. You gotta practice feeling comfortable with having your eyes meet hers. You could be Dave Rick James Chapelle, but if you can't make and mantain eye contact with her while cracking out the jokes, then you've pretty much failed.

2) In the group situation, whenever you talk, always try to make eye contact with her. When you're telling a joke or something humours or smiling, make eye contact with her. Once eye contact is made with her, then it's your call whether to avert your look or not. Usually, you don't want to make it too obvious with a big group, and so you break eye contact once it's made, and then go back to it later.

3) In the group situation, whenever she is talking, mantain eye contact with her always and acknowledge what she said. Even if it's to ask her to repeat what she just said. And, afterwards, smile when she's done talking while mantaining that eye contact. Ask questions randomly to other people (as a smokescreen.) Then ask her that same kind of question. Smile only for her, whatever her response.

4) In the group situation, whenever somebody else is talking, again try to make eye contact with her. Then, acknowledge by either smiling, nodding, or (if you're brave) whispering "hi." Then break the eye contact, and repeat a few times during the convo.

By doing the above 4 steps, you'll be creating rapport with her in a group setting without looking like a dork. She'll probably pick up that you're interested in her, which is a good thing, but she'll also pick up that you're genuinely interested in her thoughts and respond well to her personality. You engage her without looking like a dork or a stalker. She'll pick up your maturity and poise because you're not afraid of looking into her eyes. Trust me -- most guys your age REALLY SUCK at this. :D

And the most important thing is that *YOU* start to feel genuinely comfortable around her, without having to put yourself on the line to make a connection or outside in the group. By making that eye contact, engaging her in a group with both body language and casual conversation, you're already building a connection with her without getting alone time with her.

5) When you're ready -- and give yourself a few weeks of this eye contact "toss and catch" with her -- I would *strongly* recommend having a buddy come over to help you distract the group, so you can mozey her over to the side to ask her out. Or, if you're in a situation where you two are alone, establish rapport and ask her out.

6) If other people go up to you and ask whether you like her, basically turn it around and ask questions about her. More often than not, and especially if they're female friends of hers, they'll be glad to help. If they (usually women) ask you what you like about her, mention something specific that she did/wore/said recently that you liked. That will circulate back to her that you find her very interesting. If they are guys, then just keep changing everything they say to questions. You don't want the guys circulating rumors. But the women will be allies for you.

User avatar
BorgmanJayce
Posts: 27
Joined: Jan 14th, '04, 15:28
Location: Runcorn, England aka Hades

Post by BorgmanJayce » Dec 24th, '05, 12:08

Damn, I can't believe this topic has gotten bigger than before...

Meanwhile, this time for me is a bitter-sweet one as it was around then that I got my heart broken badly by the girl from Singapore that I loved so much...

On another note, happy holidays everybody...
"Magi Maagi Maajiro!!!"

kotaeshiranaihito
Posts: 234
Joined: Dec 23rd, '05, 19:55
Location: New York

Post by kotaeshiranaihito » Dec 24th, '05, 18:46

From singapore? Is she an exchange student or a tourist or something?

User avatar
Souriance
Posts: 13
Joined: Dec 7th, '05, 16:09

Post by Souriance » Dec 24th, '05, 20:47

Merry Christmas everybody !!! :lol :lol :lol :lol :lol

User avatar
Benoist-lover
Posts: 35
Joined: Nov 17th, '05, 21:16
Location: Sweden

Post by Benoist-lover » Dec 24th, '05, 21:57

slippyepic wrote:
Erm, again, this is a risky situation because, if she's a mainlander, she'll probably have very mixed feelings over somebody who is interested in the Japanese culture. I might even say, "kinda hostile", but I can't speak for her. It's a risky card to play.

Key thing to understand is that, even if you two shared the same subject, there is really no good practical reason why she would want to study with you. In fact, the only really good reason why she would want to hang out with you, in any capacity, is whether she has a good rapport/connection with you already. And, because she's a foreign exchange student, she's absolutely starving for that connection with somebody.
Maybe I should have written it from the start, I'm sorry. She's not an exchange student, she was adopted to Sweden when she was very little, so she has lived here her entire life. So I don't think she has any hostility for Japan, maybe it's alright then if we study together or what do you think? :)

And she has many friends everywhere it seems, always busy with somebody else, it's hard to get near her I think :(
slippyepic wrote: A connection has nothing to do with circumstances, but what you two make together. It's about communication and interaction. It's about you two having a really positive experience together that increases the level of trust and imtimacy between you two.

First rule of asking somebody out . . . NEVER ask somebody out until you've already established a good rapport with them. Even if you and the other person are already well acquainted, you and the other person should already be in a friendly, kind of flirtacious situation, before you ask them out to coffee. And if you two are virtually strangers -- as what seems here -- then you need to establish that kind of rapport with them BEFORE you ask them out.

IF you do, then you can go ahead and just ask her out. Whether you ask her to study with you or out to coffee, won't really matter. By then, she would have already made up her mind, regardless of what situation you give her. And, likewise, even if you're the #1 student in her class, she's going to fight you on this question because she doesn't really trust you.

But enough negativity, let's talk about opportunity.

1) #1 thing is being able to establish eye contact with her. You gotta practice feeling comfortable with having your eyes meet hers. You could be Dave Rick James Chapelle, but if you can't make and mantain eye contact with her while cracking out the jokes, then you've pretty much failed.

2) In the group situation, whenever you talk, always try to make eye contact with her. When you're telling a joke or something humours or smiling, make eye contact with her. Once eye contact is made with her, then it's your call whether to avert your look or not. Usually, you don't want to make it too obvious with a big group, and so you break eye contact once it's made, and then go back to it later.

3) In the group situation, whenever she is talking, mantain eye contact with her always and acknowledge what she said. Even if it's to ask her to repeat what she just said. And, afterwards, smile when she's done talking while mantaining that eye contact. Ask questions randomly to other people (as a smokescreen.) Then ask her that same kind of question. Smile only for her, whatever her response.

4) In the group situation, whenever somebody else is talking, again try to make eye contact with her. Then, acknowledge by either smiling, nodding, or (if you're brave) whispering "hi." Then break the eye contact, and repeat a few times during the convo.

By doing the above 4 steps, you'll be creating rapport with her in a group setting without looking like a dork. She'll probably pick up that you're interested in her, which is a good thing, but she'll also pick up that you're genuinely interested in her thoughts and respond well to her personality. You engage her without looking like a dork or a stalker. She'll pick up your maturity and poise because you're not afraid of looking into her eyes. Trust me -- most guys your age REALLY SUCK at this. :D

And the most important thing is that *YOU* start to feel genuinely comfortable around her, without having to put yourself on the line to make a connection or outside in the group. By making that eye contact, engaging her in a group with both body language and casual conversation, you're already building a connection with her without getting alone time with her.

5) When you're ready -- and give yourself a few weeks of this eye contact "toss and catch" with her -- I would *strongly* recommend having a buddy come over to help you distract the group, so you can mozey her over to the side to ask her out. Or, if you're in a situation where you two are alone, establish rapport and ask her out.

6) If other people go up to you and ask whether you like her, basically turn it around and ask questions about her. More often than not, and especially if they're female friends of hers, they'll be glad to help. If they (usually women) ask you what you like about her, mention something specific that she did/wore/said recently that you liked. That will circulate back to her that you find her very interesting. If they are guys, then just keep changing everything they say to questions. You don't want the guys circulating rumors. But the women will be allies for you.
Eyecontact, eyecontact, I understand. If we're looking into eachother's eyes we're building up a connection. I will try to do that! And when we're in a group talking I should acknowledge what she says so I can show that I care about what she thinks about things, okay. And after a few weeks doing this I should ask if she wanna go out with me or study with me or something else? Whichever is good with me, I just wanna be alone with her and talk with her between four eyes :heart:

But now it's Christmas holiday for two more weeks so I should build up my strength and collect a few good advices here so I can be ready to start the big plan for the next year :D

User avatar
techie
Global Moderator
Global Moderator
Posts: 596
Joined: Oct 18th, '04, 02:37
Location: 99% sure, Studying.

Post by techie » Dec 24th, '05, 22:03

So ... about me.. finaly (Valcun gets a chance to get even :) )

I have this favourite Chinese restaurant two stores away from a place I work in.
One of the girls who work daytime normally, always, (hmmm well the past four times at least) takes of her glasses, grabs a tissue and starts singing while wiping the tables when I come in.

To me that means, she's happy to have a job, she likes singing but she doesnt necessarily wanna see me while doing it. :glare:

Anyway, I might just be slightly cynical or very hmmm baaah.. dont even know why I post this. Just bored outta my mind so late on x-mas eve.
:blink $zipCode = strtoupper($zipCode); // it is not the case of being sensitive... XD

slackstation
Posts: 8
Joined: Dec 11th, '05, 01:33
Location: Los Angeles, CA

Post by slackstation » Dec 25th, '05, 00:44

slippyepic wrote:Slackstation,
Looks like you're doing great, and it seems that you did well with the eye contact thing. Nice!
If you do find yourself genuinely interested in more than one girl, then I would strongly suggest bringing a wingman and then with your buddy inviting multiple girls out to coffee (or a friend's party.) This way, you don't look like a player and you can get to know each person a little before making up your mind.
That might be a bit difficult. My guy friends are mostly like me in that they are quiet, shy and otherwise your standard nerds. I'm actually the most outgoing guy in my circle of friends I know I'm still sort of shy when it comes to these things. I'm working on changing my shy habits like making sure I keep eye contact when I speak.

Other than that, if you see TJ-San, definitely ask her out the next time you see her. Observe something about her before you get up to talk to her. Usually most salesladies are wearing something in particular for the holidays. Make sure you have a ready topic that isn't anime. If anime comes up, great, but send off the signal that you're not a one-dimensional otaku.[/quote]
Yeah, not mentioning anime or any one boring topic for too long is something that I know. I've seen too many friends crash and burn when it comes to girls in this regard. And I don't even like Anime that much.

Yeah, I'm thinking about topics and such.
slippyepic wrote:Now, if she says no, then try to finish out the convo with a joke...
You've hit on probably my greatest weakness. Secretly in my heart-of-hearts, I find myself hilarious. Other people don't find me funny. Even my roommate who spends more time with me than anyone else; I can barely make him laugh and what little I get out of him is because I'm not scared of making a total fool out myself infront of him.

I think it's two things. My delivery sucks. I think it's the lack of confidence and such. The eye contact thing helps with that. For those that don't know, when your shy, you essentially hold back on making contact with people because you are scared of the rejection and because you act shyly, people don't respond as much to you and it's easy to take that as rejection. So, it's a sort of downward spiral. The eye contact is great in that it doesn't take any words that you could mess up or stutter or a joke that falls flat. You just look at the person and they feel connected with you. So, yeah, I should try telling jokes while actually looking at people and maybe I'll have more luck.

The second though, is material. I'm a pretty strange guy. You wouldn't know it by looking at me but, I'm very different in the things I like and think and talk about. Most of the jokes I tell require alot of context so, usually kill the joke by trying to explain why it's funny. Most of the laughs I get are based around how *not* funny I am. So, those jokes usually only come out after I've gotten comfortable with someone. Long story short, my humor isn't the kind that I can just just pepper a converstation with.

Now, this wasn't love at first site. It's just that becaus I'm kinda shy I usually put quite a bit of effort towards making a good impression and because I'm lazy or scared, I sometimes avoid interaction with people because I can't get myself together enough to make a decent impression. Why I'm thinking about this girl and why and I'm putting forward all of this effort is that she saw me when I totally wasn't trying to impress anyone. She saw my otaku shirt which I usually don't wear, without my hair combed and I wasn't focusing on making this great impression but, she still smiled at me. I know this is a long post but, she seems to have liked me when I wasn't trying so hard. It makes me think that she might like the me that I truely am rather than the great illusion that I try to make and hope that people don't find out about.

And yet, it was just a simple shirt and girl who likes anime. It could have been that she smiles at customers and the attraction I felt was just my imagination. I don't know why I'm psyching myself out like this but, it's fun. My heart is beating faster and the hope of something is enjoyable. I'm running out of groceries. I need to buy some soy milk. I could get some at another grocery store but, I'd feel like I was chickening out.

My roommate just came from Trader Joes. It's 3:30 now and the store closes at 6:00. He brings up a good point that it's Christmas Eve and that's a bad day to ask out a sales girl. But, I'm going to go there anyways, not to ask her out but, for myself. I should be this scared of doing things.

@ Sillyepic Thanks for all of the great advice. It's really helped me.

@ Everyone About the post length. Gomen.

@ Me Off to Trader Joes for Soy Milk!

slackstation
Posts: 8
Joined: Dec 11th, '05, 01:33
Location: Los Angeles, CA

Post by slackstation » Dec 25th, '05, 04:53

slackstation wrote:@ Me Off to Trader Joes for Soy Milk!
Just got back. She wasn't there. Next time I think I'll be able to ask her to coffee or something.

Happy Holidays!

Edit: Corrected Grammar

User avatar
mokona424
Posts: 53
Joined: Nov 29th, '05, 13:49
Location: Philippines

Post by mokona424 » Dec 25th, '05, 09:45

Benoist-san konnichiwa! :D
haha never thought i'd meet another HS 2nd year in this thread LOL~
well ur kinda similar 2 d guy i lyk well if u really want to talk to her alone i'd suggest to study wat she is studying well dats a very hard option. but there's always another one by getting her cellfone no. and communicate their dat way it'd be way easier 4 u 2 talk alone.
wen d tym comes and som1 notices dat u guys ar getting close den just go w/ it don't panic just simply explain ur just frends dat way u can get some tym to be w/ each other well it's kinda confusing but i'm kinda stuck in a pinch lyk dat nowadays and now i'm kinda making up my mind to confess to him or not....PUU~~
Image
PUU~~

slippyepic
Posts: 109
Joined: Nov 14th, '05, 04:49

Post by slippyepic » Dec 26th, '05, 01:43

She's not an exchange student, she was adopted to Sweden when she was very little, so she has lived here her entire life. So I don't think she has any hostility for Japan, maybe it's alright then if we study together or what do you think?
Ah! Okay, then, it's probably okay. I would probably ask her out to coffee and make studying part of the excuse.

Usually, you can frame a question a certain way in order to force her to think double before saying no. You do this by . . .

1) Creating a very specific scenario.

For example, instead of "go out to see a movie and have dinner afterwards", you go "go out to see King Kong tomorrow night at the Irvine Edwards." Because there are so many details, her first impulse would be to negotiate a different movie, different time, or a different activity altogether . . . or it would be to agree without fully processing that it's a date scenario.

The point is, that the more details you give a person, the less able they are able to see the question for what it is. And, the more likely you'll compromise before outright saying no.

2) Avoid "you" or "I." Avoid "do." Use the word "we" and "when, how, where."
Instead of saying, "do you want to go to a cafe with me to study?" You ask "how about we go to La Strada tomorrow night and study a little?" or "I would love to learn from you, and I have time tomorrow. When would it be a good time after class that we meet up and, say, go to La Strada to talk about this?" By using "we", she has to separate herself from the equation before saying no. By using the word "how" or "when", you change the question away from "yes/no." She'll had to think twice over before separating herself out of the question.

3) Add "fun" aspects (or other positive emotions) into the question. In this way, you describe how the date will be.

Instead of just asking, "how about we go see King Kong tomorrow?" You ask "how about we chill out from all of the studying and have a great time seeing King Kong tomorrow?"
And after a few weeks doing this I should ask if she wanna go out with me or study with me or something else? Whichever is good with me, I just wanna be alone with her and talk with her between four eyes
Pretty much. Basically when you feel that there's a rapport between you two. And before you ask her out, make sure you re-establish that rapport by working the "ask you out" question at the end of a convo.
Eyecontact, eyecontact, I understand. If we're looking into eachother's eyes we're building up a connection. I will try to do that!
Yup. Here's the usual procedure (a regurgitation of an earlier post in case you've missed it), so that you avoid staring . . .

1) Look at just one of her eyes.

Usually when you're staring, you're not properly converging your eyes. We can actually pick up how other people's eyes are dilated, and it gives us the message that they're starting at us or glazed over. This also enables your peripheral vision to pick up her body language changes without you thinking. So, you in turn can be more natural and confident.

2) To initiate eye contact, look at her without blinking until she picks it up.

This can be dicey at times, because it may seem that you're staring at the other person. If after a lengthy period she hasn't acknowledged your gaze (she may be distracted), then re-initiate another time.

3) When her eyes have met yours, start blinking your eyes and acknowledge back.

This is important, not only because you want to reward her response, but also to make her feel comfortable. Nod. Smile. Wink. Whatever. Don't avert your eyes when she looks back to you. That will make her feel uncomfortable. Don't go "stone face." That will plain creep her out. Both are part of the "staring" behaviour that you want to avoid.

4) In a group, once making this eye contact, it's easier to keep this contact going if either of you are leading the group convo. Therefore, when she is talking, you *always* want to initiate the eye contact. When you are talking, you want to initiate the eye contact once it's available to you.
You've hit on probably my greatest weakness. Secretly in my heart-of-hearts, I find myself hilarious. Other people don't find me funny. Even my roommate who spends more time with me than anyone else; I can barely make him laugh and what little I get out of him is because I'm not scared of making a total fool out myself infront of him.
FWIW, somebody who laughs at your jokes, is a sign that it's a good match. A really good match.

Conventional wisdom goes that making a girl laugh is a big part of the "asking a girl out" process. I argue, that if she finds you crazy hilarious, then she's already 75% interested in you and is 75% waiting for you to ask her out already.

In other words, making her laugh, while something that one should aspire to do, should NEVER be the #1 or the fall-back position. If it is, then you'll have to be completely dependent on whether the jokes work or not, in order to set up rapport. It's better to work on the other aspects, and then finally go back to the art of delivering jokes. If a joke fails, it should be allowed to die. Always undersell a joke, if need be. Never pedal it too hard. Likewise, if you've already taken care of everything else, then the jokes you do connect will enable you to stay on autopilot with her.

Key thing, really is to listen. And if, at the moment, you have nothing to say, then you can just rephrase what she just said. She'll like that, since it shows interest on your part. And when you ask questions, most of the time, you're really asking a two-stage question . . .

1) What do you like? (Get detail)

2) What about that detail do you like? How does it make you feel? (Get the feelings behind the detail.)

And then, you just keep going with 2), setting up other questions like it.
It's just that becaus I'm kinda shy I usually put quite a bit of effort towards making a good impression and because I'm lazy or scared, I sometimes avoid interaction with people because I can't get myself together enough to make a decent impression.
I think I'm a bit of the same way. Most of the time, I could care less how I look. But, when I go to a party with the intention of meeting women, then it's a very big deal for me.
It makes me think that she might like the me that I truely am rather than the great illusion that I try to make and hope that people don't find out about.
True, true. I think it's important that she understands you're into other things besides anime. Once she sees you as a well-rounded person, if she already is a bit of an anime fan, then you can bring that side of yourself in. The other thing is, it's REALLY tempting to go into "authority" mode and start showing off how much you know about this or that. You don't want to do that. You don't want to show her necessarily how much you know. You want to elicit her values and emotions from her hobbies/interest, and then build on there.

I guess it also depends on how much you like talking. For me, it's easier to get her to start talking. I feel better when they talk. So, often, in order to keep them talking, I'll rephrase what they just said and pick up roughly what kind of person they are. What they like. What feelings they like.

A friend of mine, who's not really good with words, basically does that again and again. He'll ask a question about them. He'll rephrase what they just said. He'll go to another question. That's not ideal, per se; he should probably ask more about what they feel or think behind those questions, and he should bring more of his insights. But, the fact is, he's able to mantain a conversation with a woman without not necessarily having a lot to say about her or the subject.

Now, if you can do the above and throw in occasional jokes that'll make her laugh (much easier to set up jokes when you have loads of observations), then you'll do great.

Another technique -- especially if anime ends up becoming a big part of the convo -- is do a joke as a "reframe." Basically, you state the obvious (i.e. acknowlege what she's thinking), describe the convo you and she are, and then poke fun at yourself for that. From there, if she agrees in a positive way, you have control over how you want to reframe the conversation.

Something long the lines of "yes, i like anime. yes, i'm kind of an otaku who likes cartoon drawings of children with big guns and big boobs with big eyes. i love big eyes! i wish my eyes covered half of my face. i wished i had purple hair two-feet high. wouldn't that be awe-some? okay, so here we are, talking about cartoons with big eyes, how strange is that? Doesn't it feel weirdly comfortable?"
And yet, it was just a simple shirt and girl who likes anime. It could have been that she smiles at customers and the attraction I felt was just my imagination. I don't know why I'm psyching myself out like this but, it's fun. My heart is beating faster and the hope of something is enjoyable
It can be terrifying, especially if you're been building yourself for it. But I found that, once you're in the moment, you actually start to feel really calm. That is, once I've made eye contact with the other person, I can allow myself to go in the flow. Whereas if I'm always looking around the room, or unable to rest my eyes on her eye without looking at, say, her chest, then yeah huge problems.

I guess I have a good feeling about this. I'm really excited how it turns out for you!

User avatar
pwner4once
Posts: 465
Joined: Sep 6th, '05, 01:49
Location: Unite States
Contact:

Post by pwner4once » Dec 26th, '05, 02:40

to slippyepic~

:blink That's a long post man... :O
lol j/k
well just want to say Merry Christmas everyone!
Hope you guys aren't surfing this forum right now like me staying at home sitting in front of my computer doing nothing.
Well if there is anyone who's like me. reply fast and talk! :D

User avatar
Mythrel
Posts: 463
Joined: Aug 11th, '05, 02:34
Location: Burnaby, British Columbia

Post by Mythrel » Dec 26th, '05, 03:45

Epic what is your deal? I guess there are always going to be players around. Maybe its just me who has a problem manipulating a situation and being something i'm not but whatever. Is being yourself not good enough anymore? If a girl cannot handle who you really are then your relationship will start off with lies. I guess he is looking for advice but I cannot agree with your point of view on things. You are smart ill give you that epic but that won't change what you really are, a predator. Maybe I got you all wrong and that is a good possiblity but its not what you project.



Oh hi pwner how was your christmas?
Im making you aware. That if you dont like me well I dont care. Ill be exactly who I am and if you got a problem with it. Well thats your problem, man.

User avatar
x_XJules
Fansubber
Fansubber
Posts: 802
Joined: Jul 18th, '05, 22:52
Location: Seattle

Post by x_XJules » Dec 26th, '05, 04:36

Mythrel wrote:Epic what is your deal? I guess there are always going to be players around. Maybe its just me who has a problem manipulating a situation and being something i'm not but whatever. Is being yourself not good enough anymore? If a girl cannot handle who you really are then your relationship will start off with lies. I guess he is looking for advice but I cannot agree with your point of view on things. You are smart ill give you that epic but that won't change what you really are, a predator. Maybe I got you all wrong and that is a good possiblity but its not what you project.



Oh hi pwner how was your christmas?
Merry christmas to you pwner!

oh and mythrel, don't worry that's just your common sense and conscience talking.

User avatar
pwner4once
Posts: 465
Joined: Sep 6th, '05, 01:49
Location: Unite States
Contact:

Post by pwner4once » Dec 26th, '05, 06:21

it's actually going pretty good.
haha it was shitty moments ago. well hope u guys had a good or having a good one

good night guys :D

User avatar
Valcun
Posts: 128
Joined: Jul 25th, '05, 20:00
Location: Hawaii

Post by Valcun » Dec 26th, '05, 06:27

Gomen, mina-san

I've been silent on this thread lately. But I needed some time to sort things out. Now I have returned. I've been thinking about the things thats been going through my life lately. I just want to bring up Aya-san. Slippyepic, your right. I was using her as an emotional point, But I guess I was wrong with the analysis of it being not hanging out with friends. I learned that Love is a Priveledge, not a right. This whole time, I was using the concept of a true love in a wrong way. I understand completely now why I'm searching for her so desperately and why I was acting the way I was. To tell you the truth, I was weak. I was trying so desperately to find my true love because I didn't know what my purpose was on this world. On the outside I'm normal, but inside... I'm torn up all inside and its hurting everyday. I didn't even know what I was doing anymore. But I understand now. I can't give up. I can never give up. I need to be strong. My purpose in this world is to live a strong life. In middle school and two years of high school, I was always ridiculed and outcasted. I had no real friends. But to tell you the truth, I have no regrets that this happened. I'm actually glad it happened in my life. Only people who have been put through this know the true meaning of strength. Another reason why I used Aya-san as a emotional point was because I didn't beileve in my self. I have to beileve in my self or living is just worthless. I need to work hard if I'm going to be strong. Even if I work hard and become strong, If I don't beileve in my self it'll be useless. The Game and being a player is just trash. I hate it. I don't want to have nothing to do with it anymore. I finally found who I am. It took me 18 years of my life to find out. I'm starting to live happy now.

I'll be starting martial arts classes in two weeks. I figured if I'm going to become strong, I need to be one with my mind,body,spirit and heart.

Baka!!! Makeinu ja nai!

-Valcun
Image Image

ahaw
Posts: 37
Joined: Jun 14th, '05, 09:12
Location: sg. buloh

ahnyong haseyo

Post by ahaw » Dec 26th, '05, 06:43

vulcan

dont feel sorry to much cuz it is normal for a man to feels like that, thats what human are!!!
we feel alone, emptiness, scared, confuse and ol sorts of thgs... sooner o later ya'll find ya'll reallize what ya really want....

n after along time reading this thread i think they are seriously here to help ya n others single

:salut: :salut: :salut: :salut: :salut: :salut: :salut: :salut: :salut: :salut: :salut: :salut:
i just a poor servant..... servant of allah s.w.t :lol

Xi@h
Fansubber
Fansubber
Posts: 858
Joined: Sep 23rd, '05, 09:27

Post by Xi@h » Dec 26th, '05, 10:14

Hello, almighty guys.. back from a silent life..Good news.. well sort of, my cousins will go clubbing which is a good thing. Just now need confirmation from my love interest :D

User avatar
pwner4once
Posts: 465
Joined: Sep 6th, '05, 01:49
Location: Unite States
Contact:

Post by pwner4once » Dec 26th, '05, 18:07

Jeremiah wrote:Hello, almighty guys.. back from a silent life..Good news.. well sort of, my cousins will go clubbing which is a good thing. Just now need confirmation from my love interest :D
haha guess that's why you've been absent from aim these days. well it's good thing to hear from both Vulcun and Jeremiah. Vulcun can pick things and moral quickly. Unlike me, Im in a pretty similar situation right now. Everytime i have a break. I'll just stay home and do nothing. Even if I get the potential trouble of not studying or even doing anything productive; I'll just ask myself is it even a purpose for my life? It's so blank. There is no happiness or anything. maybe i should find a purpose too. yet i don't know ther purposes.

nicpkh
Posts: 104
Joined: Aug 29th, '05, 17:02
Location: Somewhere In Fantasy World

Post by nicpkh » Dec 26th, '05, 18:47

Hei everyone, it been awhile since i away from tis forum...
@Valcun, Well valcun-kun, i been reading your post...even though i not 100% read it and not 100% really understand ur situation...I guess i only can wish u gambateh in your life.. beside u are still young... and 1 day you will meet the one you will be looking for deep inside your heart....Like you said, live in reality different from the one in the drama... the chance to get your true love just like in the drama are very low chance...that wan i agree with you...it just been a fairytale afterall....

User avatar
Mythrel
Posts: 463
Joined: Aug 11th, '05, 02:34
Location: Burnaby, British Columbia

Post by Mythrel » Dec 26th, '05, 18:57

Valcun thats good to hear we will always be here for you so don't feel like you can't post your problems away.

Jeremiah woooooooo :cheers: hopefully things work out for ya.

pwner you make life is fun as you make it. If you don't enjoy what you are doing with your life change it. I know its not an easy request to just straighten up and move forward but you have to do it. Your life is not pointless you are just stuck, just find a way to unstick yourse,f. Find something you enjoy no matter how lame it is a do it. Meet new people, go to places you have never been to before. Think long and hard of what you want to be and where you see yourself in the future. Picture your dream and see what you can do to make it happen. I am 22 and still haven't found my footing yet but im trying. I will either be in school next year or have joined the police force i'll have to see how it works out. Just don't give up on yourself yet.
Im making you aware. That if you dont like me well I dont care. Ill be exactly who I am and if you got a problem with it. Well thats your problem, man.

User avatar
pwner4once
Posts: 465
Joined: Sep 6th, '05, 01:49
Location: Unite States
Contact:

Post by pwner4once » Dec 26th, '05, 19:10

thanks for the comment Mythrel. I think you are right. Be good and have fun at what I do best is what I should build my life around. Not about what other's think. More about what I think. Im going ot think over it and see what i can come up with. thanks everyone

User avatar
x_XJules
Fansubber
Fansubber
Posts: 802
Joined: Jul 18th, '05, 22:52
Location: Seattle

Post by x_XJules » Dec 26th, '05, 19:48

Mythrel wrote:or I'll have joined the police force i'll have to see how it works out.
5-O 5-O Po Po!!

police?? POLICE?! eww... i support you but you better not become one of those bored cops who pull you over for going 2 miles over the speed limit. stupid pigs.. gah... but you're a good person and probably would be the only good cop.

@pwner4once: that's definitely not a fun position to be in but I believe most people our age (and slightly older) are all in the same predicament. LoL, dramas and friends are my escape from a boring reality. if you can find ppl that have similar (or new and different) interests you can at least distract yourself. these are some of the best years of our lives, try to have as much fun as possible.

@Valcun: I know i've said this a thousand times but I'm so proud of you. :D

@Jerry: hey, how's it going? that's soooo awesome that your cousins DID decide to go (although i'm sure you wouldn't have minded going clubbing with just her).

Xi@h
Fansubber
Fansubber
Posts: 858
Joined: Sep 23rd, '05, 09:27

Post by Xi@h » Dec 26th, '05, 20:13

Oh my! Oh my! Richie a COP?? Oh my oh my!! That's a good laugh.. woops.. Mythrel... damn you bloody bastard.. you just make me pee in my pants while laughing... I guess I drank too much beer LOL.. Hold on.. Be right back!

User avatar
Mythrel
Posts: 463
Joined: Aug 11th, '05, 02:34
Location: Burnaby, British Columbia

Post by Mythrel » Dec 26th, '05, 20:15

Don't make me arrest you for public urination.
Im making you aware. That if you dont like me well I dont care. Ill be exactly who I am and if you got a problem with it. Well thats your problem, man.

Xi@h
Fansubber
Fansubber
Posts: 858
Joined: Sep 23rd, '05, 09:27

Post by Xi@h » Dec 26th, '05, 20:26

LOL I'm waiting for ya.. where's my beretta? Where did I put it? Damn!!

slippyepic
Posts: 109
Joined: Nov 14th, '05, 04:49

Post by slippyepic » Dec 26th, '05, 20:56

Mythriel,
Epic what is your deal? I guess there are always going to be players around. Maybe its just me who has a problem manipulating a situation and being something i'm not but whatever. Is being yourself not good enough anymore? If a girl cannot handle who you really are then your relationship will start off with lies. I guess he is looking for advice but I cannot agree with your point of view on things. You are smart ill give you that epic but that won't change what you really are, a predator. Maybe I got you all wrong and that is a good possiblity but its not what you project.
Most of my friends are women, and most of the time, we end up talking about what men and women do wrong and how they miscommunicate. Most women my age complain how guys will often look at their chest or something else instead of their eyes. Most women also complain that guys just don't want to change. The problem with the conventional wisdom of "being yourself" is that it reinforces the male belief that guys don't have to change (i.e. grow up) in order to have a loving, successful relationship. Women change in a long relationship; so should men. And, in terms of courtship, it reinforces the male belief that "being noticed for who you are" (whether that be confident, funny, whatever) will engender attraction from a woman. Men assume that, just because they notice a girl looks or acts that way, that the girl do the same. For most women, it's about interaction, body language, messages in subtext, and yes your personality will dictate that stuff anyway. You can't help be but who you are.

Let's put it another way. I never ask anybody to lie. I never ask anybody to suddenly become a comedian, or a Smooth person, or to create an artificial sense of confidence by putting down the other person. I never bring up showing money or treating the woman as an object or anything like that. If it seems like a person is taking control of a situation -- well, I make no apologies for that -- because in a situation where you're asking a person out whom you're not friends with or are strangers with, you have to be proactive. All you *really* want is the opportunity is for them to become better friends with you. Women are not helpless; in fact, women are generally much smarter than you are. They're already sending you signals good and bad, and it's up to you to send them back.

That's what I'm really speaking to. I have been through many different kinds of relationships, and it's been quite a few years since I've graduated. Social dynamics change once you're out of school. In college, it's much easier to develop an organic friendshp or relationship with other people, because you can just hang with them in a non-committed or platonic state until you realize that one day you're really interested in somebody. And, simultaneously, because they've already known you so well, having built already rapport with that person, you can look toward switching to a romantic relationship or stay with friendship.

The working world isn't like that. Beside the office, male/female parties may become your principal social network to meet new people. And usually, they'll be at best acquaintances. Most single men and women go to these parties, with sort of the implicit intention of meeting a potential partner. It's, therefore, up to you to make your best impression, to listen to them as best you can to pick up whether they're actually somebody you want to get to know, and finally set up a situation whereby she may want to hang with you later. Whether that be casual sex, friendship, or traditional romance is up to you.

I'm not a player either; sooner or later, you learn that most women speak with (often emotional) subtext and that everything begins with eye contact. Both are also true when you work in a corporate atmosphere, you gotta look at your boss straight in the eye, and you gotta pick up what your coworkers are really saying. The things you learn there applies to all aspects of the adult life.

If the men or women were asking about relationship issues, then I would speak to that. But if they're asking about how to ask a person out, well there ya go.

1) Most of the time, I'm telling Valcun that he's misreading his own emotions, and that he was projecting his own issues with himself onto Aya and the other guys. Note that I didn't encourage Valcun to pursue Aya or to "game her", because IMO, it would just push him into a deeper hole. If you go into a relationship hoping that the other person will "fix" or "save" you, then you'll put yourself into a completely unhealthy situation. Right now, he's confusing "true love" as an object or emotional state, when it's really about the act of loving somebody as best you can.

Valcun is going in the right direction; instead of using women to cover up his insecurities, he's now working toward dealing with those insecurities and hopefully building friendships with both men and women to become a happier, more fulfilled person. What will likely happen -- and it will take a few years -- is that he'll get a better sense of who he is, and then use some of the "tricks" he picked up in order to acquaint himself with women better. Because, at that point, he won't be using women to validate who he is, and he'll realize that being a player and being just a really great guy is mostly a matter of intention, not method.

2) Benoist is frustrated that he can't get her to notice him in a group, that right now he doesn't feel comfortable or familiar around her, and he doesn't quite know how to talk with her without drawing too much attention from the high school rat pack. Yes, he could just plain ask her out to study, out of the blue, but think about it from her point of view. She doesn't know he liked her. She doesn't really know him. She doesn't really trust him. If he's fidgeting big time while asking her, now she's not even sure if he's being serious. Finally, Benoist's study situation is somewhat tenuous to begin with. For all of these reasons, it's up to him to build something of a familiarity with her.

3) Slackstation met somebody who seems to like him for who he is. She may share same interest. Then again, she's also a salesperson who's trained to serve the customer. Therefore, jumping on the otaku bandwagon immediately is not a good way to start a conversation with her. Even if she loves anime, she'll probably be more agreeable toward you if you can talk about other interests and particularly if you can show interest in something they like. Slackstation brought up that his humor can be a little dicey. I bring up that, if a woman laughs at a guy's jokes, then she's probably a good match for him. But I also bring up that being funny is completely subjective and unpredictable. You can't force "funny" anymore than you can force being something that you're not.

Which is the point I'm trying to make. When you ask a person out, and really the first 2 or 3 dates, you want to make a good impression. And most of that good impression is about being engaged in conversation and interaction with the other person, getting a good feel for each other's underlying personality, and negotiating what you want the relationship to be.

For some guys, if being yourself means not really listening to the other person, talking about only yourself, judging the other person, and staying in their shell while indulging in self-loathing and self-pity -- well, then, that person has to grow up. Same guys often indulge in the fantasy that "if a girl really gets to know me", then they'll see how special they are. Hell, I was one of them. And I think a lot of younger guys start like that, and then someday they realize that it's more self deception.

I respect you Mythriel and applaud your intention of becoming a police officer. I assure you I'm not a predator. I would never brag about a "conquest" or a woman's attributes, or my own skills. What I'm seeing from a lot of the young guys here is that they want to learn how to ask somebody out. But I'm really getting at, is that to become a better lover and a better friend, you have to be able to listen, not judge, and really make the effort to make a connection with somebody. For a lot of guys, who are not used to doing these things, if it means changing who they are, then they'll be better people for it.

kotaeshiranaihito
Posts: 234
Joined: Dec 23rd, '05, 19:55
Location: New York

Post by kotaeshiranaihito » Dec 26th, '05, 22:02

No way in hell am I reading that extremely long post he just wrote, but I can assure you he's right... at least more right than you.

People who believe that being yourself actually works are insane. The fact is you have to be yourself AND MORE. Epic never said you have to change your whole life just to get a girl, because the fact is you shouldn't have to do such a thing. However, if it is some small thing that will not drastically change your life, then stop being a baby and do it. We all have to change a little for others.

And epic, you yourself are making a huge mistake. NEVER believe women for advice about women.

One reason is because every girl is different and what one likes, the other could hate.

And the main reason is because like 99% of girls lie. To others and to themselves. If you ask a girl what she wants from a guy, almost any will say "a sense of humor", but almost none will say "money". Now Curly from the 3 stooges probably has a great sense of humor, but I don't see to many girls drooling over him. Donald Trump has the sense of humor of a ... well watch him on TV some time and you'll know what I mean, but I can promise that almost any girl would plow through each other with knives, pitchforks, flaming sticks, and anything they can find for just a chance to have a date with him. How many times did he get married, like 5 or 6 now?

However most of the advice you've given is pretty sound, and by coincidence is exactly what I did whenever I got the girls.

User avatar
Benoist-lover
Posts: 35
Joined: Nov 17th, '05, 21:16
Location: Sweden

Post by Benoist-lover » Dec 26th, '05, 22:18

mokona424 wrote:Benoist-san konnichiwa! :D
haha never thought i'd meet another HS 2nd year in this thread LOL~
well ur kinda similar 2 d guy i lyk well if u really want to talk to her alone i'd suggest to study wat she is studying well dats a very hard option. but there's always another one by getting her cellfone no. and communicate their dat way it'd be way easier 4 u 2 talk alone.
wen d tym comes and som1 notices dat u guys ar getting close den just go w/ it don't panic just simply explain ur just frends dat way u can get some tym to be w/ each other well it's kinda confusing but i'm kinda stuck in a pinch lyk dat nowadays and now i'm kinda making up my mind to confess to him or not....PUU~~
Konnichiwa! Hmm, I would feel like a total idiot if I just came to her and said Hello, can I have your cell phone number :roll Maybe if we go out together a couple of times I can ask her that, so I can get to know her better first I think I should do that first. I wish you good luck with your love too! :)

Okay, now I've got alot of good tips written down, so next semester after the winter break I'm gonna try my best! slippyepic and all other people who gave me advices, thank you! I'm gonna ask her out for coffee and studying, wohoo :D

User avatar
Mythrel
Posts: 463
Joined: Aug 11th, '05, 02:34
Location: Burnaby, British Columbia

Post by Mythrel » Dec 26th, '05, 22:27

kotaeshiranaihito I forgot I was talking to you. Your first sentanced proved you are an ignorant jerk. So change right now for me and keep your little thoughts to yourself. At least epic knows how to speak to others.

Makes me sound like an arrogant **** but maybe I am. I probably shouldn't post in a bad mood :lol .
Last edited by Mythrel on Dec 26th, '05, 22:36, edited 1 time in total.
Im making you aware. That if you dont like me well I dont care. Ill be exactly who I am and if you got a problem with it. Well thats your problem, man.

slippyepic
Posts: 109
Joined: Nov 14th, '05, 04:49

Post by slippyepic » Dec 26th, '05, 22:30

Okay, now I've got alot of good tips written down, so next semester after the winter break I'm gonna try my best! slippyepic and all other people who gave me advices, thank you! I'm gonna ask her out for coffee and studying, wohoo
Remember not to sweat asking her out until you think you're ready to ask and she's ready for you to ask. Have fun. Be jolly. Wish you the best! :)
And epic, you yourself are making a huge mistake. NEVER believe women for advice about women.
I guess I'm taking the middle road here. To me, there's a lot of self-deception between men and women. Me included. I'm still learning the differences between men and women. I'm still learning to be a better guy.

That's basically why I never ask a guy to act or fit any role. The interaction is, again, most important and it's going to vary person to person. You have to be interested in the other person. (If the other person is SO boring to you that this isn't possible, then well there ya go, she isn't a good match.) You have to make and mantain eye contact. And it would help if you start initiating some light physical contact. Make her feel like interacting with you is actually something she's like to do. That's it.
If you ask a girl what she wants from a guy, almost any will say "a sense of humor", but almost none will say "money".
There's truth to that, and there is a list of player-oriented techniques one can do to "appear" rich to a girl, especially during a club. In fact, some coworkers were discussing this with me a few months ago. I prefer not to think about it, I guess. And, no, I don't use those techniques. *That* would make me feel bad about myself.

All the same, most of the people here are students, interacting with other students, and at this point, it really is more about finding the courage (and the technique) to properly ask each other out and interact. Go through enough relationships, and they're going to learn most of this stuff eventually.

User avatar
Benoist-lover
Posts: 35
Joined: Nov 17th, '05, 21:16
Location: Sweden

Post by Benoist-lover » Dec 26th, '05, 22:33

slippyepic wrote: Remember not to sweat asking her out until you think you're ready to ask and she's ready for you to ask. Have fun. Be jolly. Wish you the best! :)
Sure thing, I'll do it when the time is right :) Arigatou gozaimasu! :salut:

User avatar
splur
Posts: 27
Joined: Dec 18th, '05, 01:50
Location: Canada!

Post by splur » Dec 26th, '05, 23:00

Question, what would you do if you really like a girl, but had no idea whether she likes you back? Would asking her out be risking awkwardness?

I know that is a very situational question, depending mostly on the girl. I've been in previous relationships, and they were quite upfront. But this girl...she's different, it's like going back to square one with her. She is willing to spend time with me, but it 'seems' to be more of a friend thing than anything else. She doesn't flirt, she doesn't show any noticable signs of liking me back. Her personality? She's quite shy, hides most of her emotions and has low self-confidence (sadly, that sounds like me). On IM, she never starts a convo with me, I must start it, but once I do, she talks alot. She's not a phone-person.

My second question is, does it seem like she likes me? Or no, which is what I think.

(That was scary...I never post personal stuff online)

slippyepic
Posts: 109
Joined: Nov 14th, '05, 04:49

Post by slippyepic » Dec 26th, '05, 23:20

Question, what would you do if you really like a girl, but had no idea whether she likes you back? Would asking her out be risking awkwardness?
Generally speaking . . . you never ask a girl out until you have rapport with her. She has to feel a connection with you before you ask her out. In other words, she has to already be kinda interested in you before you pop the question.

To do that, you . . .

A) Establish eye contact

B) Engage her in a conversation

C) Eventually initiate some light physical contact
My second question is, does it seem like she likes me? Or no, which is what I think.
Doesn't seem so, but it's also possible that she feels you don't like her either. It sounds like you prefer being with women who kinda let you play more of a passive role, where you listen or react to them. It may just be that you're more compatible with a more proactive, outspoken person than one who needs somebody to "make the first step."

But, if you really like this person, then next time, you talk with them . . . .

1) Smile a lot. Speak more softly. When they make eye contact with you, make sure you reward them with a warm smile.

2) Making a shy person laugh is really the easiest way to get them out of the shell.

3) Ask more questions and be genuinely interested with something she's thinking. Then she'll be more open to say more.

4) Move closer to her, lean into her a little. Body distance is usually a good way to determine whether a shy person is opening up to you.

5) If she doesn't seem to be fighting 4), then lightly initiate physical contact with her arm or shoulder. This is a good way to guage whether she's interested in you or not. If she looks comfortable, then she really was just shy and didn't feel attractive around you. If she looks uncomfortable, then back off.

If you see her often, I would probably do the above for awhile until asking her out. I think she needs to learn to trust you before you can ask her out.

User avatar
splur
Posts: 27
Joined: Dec 18th, '05, 01:50
Location: Canada!

Post by splur » Dec 27th, '05, 03:27

Thanks alot epic. Actually helped me alot. Even though it crushed a bit of my hopes, you've opened my eyes from my blindness. I'll approach this with some caution along with your suggestions. Gonna see how this will turn up :mrgreen:

User avatar
x_XJules
Fansubber
Fansubber
Posts: 802
Joined: Jul 18th, '05, 22:52
Location: Seattle

Post by x_XJules » Dec 27th, '05, 03:51

hey only like 50% of women go after money (or maybe it's like 60-40).. but the point is some are money lovers and some are hopeless romantics... and 99% of women don't lie... it's more like 100% :lol

*i know i shouldn't add to the topic and just let it die instead... but meh*

i'm sure we can all agree that you have to adjust and compromise in order to get along with anybody. i understand both points of view. it is important you be yourself but also respectful of how it affects the other person. so how's this for an opinion: it's okay to attract attention (and even change.. i mean that in a maturing or growing kind of way) but it's important to never lose yourself.

Peace everyone?

slippyepic
Posts: 109
Joined: Nov 14th, '05, 04:49

Post by slippyepic » Dec 27th, '05, 04:16

i'm sure we can all agree that you have to adjust and compromise in order to get along with anybody. i understand both points of view. it is important you be yourself but also respectful of how it affects the other person. so how's this for an opinion: it's okay to attract attention (and even change.. i mean that in a maturing or growing kind of way) but it's important to never lose yourself.
I think a great example of the above would be Donmyoji from Hana Yori Dango . . .
In most romance dramas, the "bad boy" usually goes through a "domestication" process whereby the guy becomes a gentler, nicer, more socially acceptable version of himself, who simply can't live without the girl who made him right.

Not Donmyoji. Nope, he's still a jackass up to the very end, and he's still calling Makino all sorts of things in the dictionary. He still looks down at commoners. He's still very much himself.

And yet, he did change. He admits he has absolutely no idea what it's like in her position, and he's right. But he asks her questions and tries to fit in her lifestyle, just as she had to with his. He considers her side of things. He really listens to her, and if he gets it wrong, he works at it. And this is the big thing: he always, always expresses to Makino how he feels. How guilty he felt about what he did to her; how much she hurt him; etc. He was never afraid to look into her eyes and show where he stood.

The beauty of their relationship is that, with all the crap they've done to each other, they learn to accept each other for who they are, be honest and yet sincerely considerate of each other, and in doing that, they both learned to change and grow as people. They both started out with a lot of pride and prejudice, a lot of deception and gamesmanship. But they worked toward what is "basically" a model of what relationships should be, give or take one crazy Donmyoji. ;)

User avatar
pwner4once
Posts: 465
Joined: Sep 6th, '05, 01:49
Location: Unite States
Contact:

Post by pwner4once » Dec 27th, '05, 04:28

okay... wow... that's a lot of reading :cry: :cry:
my eyes hurt :-(

anyways, i think epic's analytical proving of Vulcun's behavior toward women or people in general of our society is right. Sometimes I just want to go back to Aesop's peoms and start reading them and rediscover some moral from them. sometimes i wonder what therapist would behave and comment about our behaviors, maybe just people like us in general. one of my friend who has a Ph.D. degree call this an internet disease. yet i think it's more of a theraputic thing :D

Locked

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest